Dermot comes on doing rock devil fingers but then does a theatrical twirl. Perhaps he is channelling the hit musical We Will Rock You. Either way, everything about his entrance (ooer) is ever so wrong. And my god, what is Cheryl wearing? She has raided the Band of Gold wardrobe and looks ridiculous! They producers play Sex On Fire while the judges walk on stage. I could make a million jokes about this but I choose to rise above it all because look! It's time to face the music and get bland because it's time for...

JOE:
Once again Fight For This Love plays during his VT because it's all about Cheryl. Honestly, you don't have to ram it down our throats, it's number one! There is a lot of talk about rock week being too devil horny fingers for Joe. And it is. He comes out in a (p)leather jacket. Rock and/or roll dude! Throw that tv out the X Factor house window! He's singing Don't Stop Believing (in the style of popjustice song of the day Glee) and it's more High School Musical than School of Rock. The two dancers are far more interesting than Joe could ever wish to be. His voice is very good and he seems a lovely lad, but for me there is something missing. Simon has shaved his chest, btw. You can see a dead straight line where he has trimmed it. Joe says everyone in the North East loves that song. Everyone Joe? That's a very sweeping statement...
LUCIE:
They show the "you sang like an actress" quote twice in less than thirty seconds. If only tesco sandwiches had as much filler as this show does. Lovely Lucie sings Sweet Child O' Mine which starts off as a pared down piano version. This reminds me if the show ever needs a big piano moment on stage, they can always save money and use Joe's teeth. Which if you think about it, yes is a bit insulting (they are quite large) but also a compliment (they are also a lovely white hue). Ooo, it's gone all rock and Lucie looks like I imagine Avril Lavigne does if she would ever just take a good hot shower. The vocal is really good though she seems a tad uncomfortable. During the comments, I can't take Cheryl seriously in that dress - it's just too Lady Cuckoo bizarre. And Lucie's eyeliner is so caked on, she can barely keep her eyes open! Great performance though :)
DANYL:
Sigh. Heavy sigh. As Simon introduces Danyl you know it's going to be all about him being in the bottom two because he (Danyl) couldn't believe he was there. Which if you are in the bottom two because the public thinks you are arrogant is actually quite arrogant of you. It's a no win situation. Danyl says he is more hated than Hitler. Oh please, the twins have had far worse press and get booed every week but you don't see them perfecting the best actor award for quivering bottom lip. He starts singing and he's horribly out of tune and his poppy is rather ostentatious. His finally finds the note for the chorus of I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing and is quite subdued. His shirt could use a good iron to be honest. He's a broken man, which yes, isn't particularly nice but the music industry is a vicious bitch and you have to take the criticism. The judges basically say, oh you were in the bottom two, so were other people. Louis points out the twins don't throw their dummies out the pram over bad press. Rock on Louis. Once again, I'm torn over the whole Danyl issue...

LLOYD:
Actually, I'm far more interested in Lloyd fronting up a new boyband than I am in any of his solo X Factor performances. The VT basically says he is coasting on his looks. Which is true. Cheryl "Boys can't sing girls songs because it is ridiculous" Cole gives him I Kissed A Girl to sing. It doesn't work lyrically if the lyrics aren't changed to boy when a guy sings it, it just makes Lloyd sound like he's lived a far too sheltered life, which his "sexed up" (oh dear) look contradicts. Vocally it's all over the place and there is a gawdy rock spectacle going on behind him. Dreadful, dreadful, dreadful! Dannii tragically (but wisely) doesn't comment on the boy/girl gender issues :P Lloyd's poppy is also annoyingly ostentatious - it's a symbol not a bloody fashion statement.
STACEY:
I'm ready for Stacey to be brilliant. Simon meanly, but rather wittily states "stacey is going to have to do something rather difficult this week - move!" Ho ho etc. This means everyone will cheer Westlife style if she stands up from a stool! She does Somewhere Only We Know - a gorgeous song and the first 60 seconds are absolutely mesmerising. She adds a few vocal varieties to the tune and her voice is just wonderful to listen to. Her hair looks ace too. Simon says singing a 5 year old Keane song makes her relevant. Hmmm. "I can breeve, I can walk, I really enjoyed that" Stacey says in less than 1.7 seconds. Marvelous.
JAMIE:
This week is really made more for Simon's acts than any other group in the competition. Bring on disco week and see how they do! Oh no, the bloody scarf is back in his back pocket. How annoying. He sings "Rocks" but not as well as the Sugababes. He's trying to hard to look effortless and r'n'r but it just comes across as laboured and corporate suit. Yawn. I'm too bored by the whole Jamie thing so go and get a cookie.

RACHEL:
I hope Rachel finds her own personality this week. She's doing One by U2 in one of Cheryl's tiny dresses. Quite rightly it's all about the vocal this week because let's face it, unless Jamie wins, the winner is not going to get near rock with a ten foot Red One pole on their debut album are they?! The girls rule the show this week and Rachel delivers a gorgeous performance. Nothing else needs to be said :)
JEDWARD:
See, Jed get booed every week and you don't see the producers writing in a scripted sob story for them!! Basically, it's not their fault they are in the competition - they applied, got through and haven't been voted out yet so stop the debating and just enjoy the ongoing horror! And it is horror, but by golly it's so bloody entertaining and like nothing else on the show this year! They bugger one bit up completely, their vocals are dire and the stage dive moment is too hilarious! Brilliant. Look, they are no worse than Ant & Dec and they were always ready to uh, rhumble! Dannii practically pisses herself laughing. I can't imagine them as popstars but they at least embrace the totally bonkers fun element that pop should have and it's always amusing to watch them throw their all into it.
OLLY:
It's a beatles song. Come Together. All I can think of is that Olly will be visiting William Young's hair plug person in about 5 years time. Vocally it's good, but sweet Blossom Russon the facial expressions are less 'intent passionate singer' and more 'i really need a big poo' which isn't pleasant to watch. Or even think about. Sorry :/ The shirt rip at the end is beyond embarrassing. He also needs to stop licking his lips - it's embarrassing (though Dermot gets all Triga and calls him prime Essex meat. Saucy!) For about the 5th time tonight, Louis again gives an act (this time obviously Olly) a place in the final 3. It's getting awfully crowded there isn't it? Cheryl thinks the shirt rip worked. Unlike her dress. Ho ho.

Join me in the comments later for Bon Jovi! (?!) JLS!!!!!! The sing off!