The X Factor 2011 ~ Live Shows: Week 8 (Guilty Pleasures & Heroes)

After this week there are only 2 more weeks to go with the factor that purports to have the "X"... Dermot is feeling particularly perky at this thought and does his most mortifying yet oddly engaging dance routine to date. Nice waistcoat though which reminds me it's £25 off if you spend £100 online at Burtons today. Hurrah! He reminds us that this week, no one is safe, which has surely been the point of the show the whole time?! The judges enter and Tulullah defies OFCOM by doing double arm advertising for her perfume, which I'm pretty sure has the tagline "Tulullah - it's the scent that lingers longer than she does". Classy. Dermot has a quick chat to Louis to fill time, and the wee fella says he wants to see someone who will have a career in the music industry. He will. Janet will be making his tea for years to come down at Walsh Enterprises...

• LITTLE MIX ~ My wavering between loving Little Mix and absolutely despising them veers towards "love" as they head off to Winter Wonderland and do a passable acapella of Mariah's All I Want For Christmas. THEY KNOW HOW TO WIN ME OVER, those little muffins (Wha?!) How fun. Their first song is actually 2 songs and gets off to a dodgy start with a wobbling vocal. Once the added pre-recorded vocals come in, it's much improved. I think once I accept that they are not the greatest girl group to come out of the UK ever (hyperbole much, KellyNotClarkson?!), I'm oddly drawn to their medley of Justin BeiberFever's Baby and The Supremes' Where Did Our Love Go, though it's no Streets Have No Name (Can't Take My Eyes Off You) by Pet Shop Boys. Looking back over the series, it's been subtly and not so subtly set up that a girl group gets this far. The boys were jinxed by musical chairs within their line up, throwing goddawful contestants like Frankie into the (little) mix (literally, probably the horn dog) and harping on about how girl groups never do well. If Eternal reformed with this as a blistering dance mix single, I would probably like it more...
• JANET ~ Janet is not a Christmas person. SHUT THE FRONT DOOR! DEVIL!! Based on that very statement alone, I am done with the devil-in. She has literally turned her back on the birth of santa and the greatest time of year?! Bah humbug to you evil genius. Bah humbug. A pox on your house. Ooo my pox has worked. Her version of MmmBop? Never has the song sounded less like a good time; her dancing is awkward and awful; her right arm flails around as if independent of her actual body... Even before she misses her cue, it seems as if she just can't be bothered. "It was a real mess" says Gary sagely (he does sage so well. And stuffing. *insert rude joke here*) The audience inexplicably boo at this, as if it wasn't a real mess. BONKERS!
• MISHA B ~ Let's just forget last week's outfit happened. Hurrah! Misha is happy this week so no more devastatingly cringeworthy conversations with KellyNotClarkson. I'm not sure in which universe Girls Just Wanna Have Fun is a guilty pleasure, but Misha has obviously been listening to the Happy Feet 2 soundtrack and decided that, like Pink, putting Rhythm Nation as the backing track to another popular song works wonders. And it does. The rap is hilariously rapid fire brilliance, though I am slightly distracted from it by darren doing a booty dance. In a snuggie. I have just noticed by the way, that KellyNotClarkson is wearing Kath (of Kath and Kim fame)'s dress from the episode where she has a hen party and spray tanned the wrong shoulder. Amaze.

• MARCUS ~ Ooo you can really see his alleged botox. Marcus has a nice practice in Gary's recording studio and goes on about how amazing it all is, even though he has obviously been in a recording studio loads of times before, not least to record the X Factor Charity Single (now with even less Cocozza!) He does Wham's Im Your Man (as a tribute to poorly George apparently) and of course it's gleeful, playful and a little bit sexually flirtatious in parts. Oh my. He steals the Aston-Marvin JLS move of flashing his stomach and then proceeds to thrust his crotch in Louis' face. Oh my part two. I love Marcus. It was a tiny bit shouty, but I adored it. I would buy that tomorrow if it were a proper studio recording...
• RETURNING-ACT ~ Apparently her fans are called Lilies. Dear Lord. "Do It For Middlesbrough" says some really gruff builder in the VT. Well that's a ringing endorsement for her then. KellyNotClarkson says we will see a different side of Returning Act this week. This means China In Your Hands, which starts off all soft, then gets very shouty. She just about straddles the line between powerful controlled vocal and shouting in the chorus, but the shouting always wins through. I literally had to turn down the volume at one point. Clearly I heard something different from the judges/rest of the world because they loved it. I think it must have been nostalgia for the song!! BESERK!!

• LITTLE MIX ~ We are onto heroes songs now. It all gets a bit serious and preachy as Little Mix become ambassadors for loving yourself. Or something. They are doing x factor staple Beautiful by Christina Aguilera. Returning Act and Christina lookalikey will be furious. She'll have to pretend to be Kelly Clarkson now. Look, it's not as good as Damien doing it in Mean Girls and like Girls Aloud's See The Day, it's all very well intentioned but ultimately quite boring. It's not manipulative at all either that they get Jessie to do the bit at the beginning and end. Perhaps if they stopped harping on about her supposedly non-conformist size, we could all just get on and concentrate on the singing! I've veered towards not liking them again now. Will have to rewatch the medley...
• JANET ~ The VT about the stress of learning 2 songs is now brilliantly appropriate. She then says that she doesn't want to mess up the words!! What a stitch up! KellyNotClarkson says Janet's musical tastes are quite alternative as the Devil-in starts to sing Under The Bridge by multi million selling, world renown act All Saints... uh, I mean Red Hot Chilli Peppers. The dreadful wailing like a banshee at the end of the tune is just downright awful on a level not seen since Frankie. Gary and Tulullah give brilliant passive-aggressive backhanded compliments. The heroes section of the show is on a one way track to dullsville. Bring on Misha B!!
• MISHA B ~ please don't do a ballad Misha. This half of the show is a snooze. Oh, it is a ballad. it's Killing Me Softly. It could still be saved by some Fugees style arrangements and a "one time". Yay! Fugees it is. It's quite understated, lovely and still a little bit dull. She does immerse herself into the song though which enhances the performance greatly. Oh what a concise analysis from me. Onto the next then!

• MARCUS ~ I do like Lately by Stevie Wonder. S Club 7 (mostly Bradley though) did a lovely version (no really!) so I will judge it on that. Firstly, Marcus in a tux? Yes please. Secondly, it's better than S Club. It's almost but not quite on a par with Over The Rainbow by Shayne Ward, which remains my favourite X Factor performance ever. Loved it. LOVED. IT. KellyNotClarkson spouts some shit about it that is factually inaccurate. Ignore her cos as the Borelow says, it was sensational.
• RETURNING-ACT ~ That Happy Feet 2 commercial was inspired genius. "you look like a rainbow" "yeah a rainbow with man titties" Amazing. Returning Act cannot top that, though as predicted (no, I genuinely wrote the bit about her being Kelly Clarkson before she came on!) she is doing a KellyActualClarkson song. That. Is. Uptempo. Hurrah. It's all fine, but then it's earplug time as she literally bellows her way through the choruses and middle 8 (where she doesn't even attempt Kelly's high notes) with all the grace and emotional depth of a rampaging hippo. I'm speechless...

THE RESULTS SHOW:

No dance for Dermot tonight, but there is a solid gold (presumably) tie pin and an inordinately long "previously". Dermot "woofs" when he announces Jessie J is on the show. I'm not sure what this means (but I am weirdly looking forward to Olly Murs performing with the Muppets. Will it be Olly and the Murrpets?!) Tulullah has a hula hoop on her thumb for when she is peckish later. Kelly Not Clarkson couldn't be arsed with her hair so did a plait. Lazy...

• OLLY ~ I do love this song. It may well be - nay is - his best single to date. The whole Muppets thing is ridiculously cutesy but as a huge muppets fan works for me. Miss Piggy just makes me smile and the whole thing has me busting out the A Muppets Christmas Carol DVD (so good, blu ray it already Disney!) Two things - first, Olly in a tux? Oh yes please and may I? Two - the short haired dancer at the front looks like my friend Mark. Is she a man in drag? Whatever, she makes Tulullah look feminine so that's a plus. Best muppets collab since Kylie and Kermit did Especially for You...
• JESSIE J ~ like with Little Mix, I waver in my devotion to Jessie J (the J stands for Jay). Sometimes she is ace and releases songs like Price Tag and Who's Laughing Now. Then she goes and compares her busted ankle to being an amputee. The goon. I'll have to tolerate her if I'm going to blog the voice next year (heaven help you all). She has stolen the set of Janet Devil-in's Kiss Me, but forgot to light the lamps. It's all very nice if you like that sort of thing...
• CHARITY SINGLE ~ Now just the contestants aren't good enough, so there is added JLS and One Direction. However, great cause. Misha and Marcus shine, Sophie is surprisingly good, Amelia shouts, Charlie Nu Risk is still quite hot, Frankie is absent and Kitty gets mercifully little screen time. Buy it. Download it. Investigate the cause.
• RESULTS ~ Oh the tension. I can't bear it. Oh wait. I can. Phew. Oh vile. In the continuing tradition of "if you were bottom two last week, we'll announce you are safe first this week", ReturningAct lives to bellow another week. At least Marcus is through. Thank Christ. I find myself shouting Come ON MISHA at the screen but it doesn't work as muffin munching little mix (hey, words can't bring them down) love themselves through to the semi final. Misha is never going to win is she? At least this means a far more innovative and exciting debut album is in the works...
• SING OFF ~ KellyNotClarkson does her best sad face, the one you couldn't see when she did her best sick voice a few weeks back. Janet forgets to put on a skirt and does Chasing Cars. If she lies on the floor a la Izzy in the season 2 finale of Grey's Anatomy (DENNY!), even I'll bloody vote her back in. She doesn't - instead, she makes me wish I was still on time delay so I could fast forward because BY GOD THIS IS DULL. KellyNotClarkson looks like she has had a stroke during Janet's snoozeathon which isn't surprising. Misha B does Out There On My Own from Fame. Every note is amazing. (Next year's charity single should so be Starmaker). The girl is stunning. So i'm kind of glad Misha was bottom 2 so I got to hear this majesty :) Luckily the judges agree, Janet is dispatched. She looks elated and basically says FUCK YOU to the X Factor, in a round about sort of way, forgetting that it us that put her where she is now, and we can put her back down too. The ingrate. She didn't even know what conditioner was before the factor of X!!! SHEESH!

See you at the semi finals? I love a good semi, I do...