The X Factor ~ Live Shows: Week Ten (FINALE)!!

Ok, so last night in my life, it was the annual 8th X(Mas) Factor Finale Party. I wore this. How Marcus, etc. And for the first time in the 8 year history, we didn't actually watch the finale! We were too engrossed in the delicious looking gingerbread men (see here) and getting 3 sheets to the wind (see here); all whilst dancing to that "shorty with you" Christmas song by Justin Bieber, a healthy dose of various versions of All I Want For Christmas Is You (but mostly Mariah and Love Actually) & getting a bit "rowdy". So a good time was had by all :) Which lead to a more subdued and manageable (in terms of writing up notes) X Factor viewing with the team this morning. Here is what occurred...

INTRO:

We can't just have a finale anymore. It's a 2 night event at Wembley for crying out god's sake. Dermot now has a whole Austin Powers sized skit forward slash dance routine to cope with (now with added Goldie!) to show that this is bigger, better, louder, harder! Faster pussycat, kill kill! The judgets get some live and let die music, but really the world is just wondering why Tulullah is a) still pushing the Female Boss thing and b) wearing a dress she can't sit down in. She looks like one of those ghastly toilet roll dolls that old people think make their bathroom look classy. The finalists get the Carmin Burina music, possibly to emphasise how scary it is that this show doesn't contain Misha B anymore.

• GROUP NO ~ ooo it's Greatest Day. How rousing. JessiePreFix still has far too much hair as she goes into over-exaggerate/accentuate/emote mode. Marcus sounds very good & even preFix sound ok once Shouty McReturningAct, Marcus and the swelling instrumental drown them out! KellyNotClarkson is very excited. You can see her eyes thinking, "I wonder if I could sell out this arena based on my number 56 album, Here I Am?" Bless.
• MARCUS ~ That Yeo Valley boy band ad plays again. Some of the fellas are well fit and it reminds me how much Tulullah fucked over The Risk-Keys in order to get Little Mix ahead/giving head. Bah humbugger. Right, onto Marcus - oh we're getting those "returning home" montages. I can't help but feel those school kids are screaming with joy because actually they are missing double physics for this. I do love Marcus though and his family seem absolutely delightful. And this VT is still better than that goddawful and mortifying dinner Shayne Ward had to have with Louis!! He comes on stage (not literally, this isn't Triga) all Catch Me If You Can The Musical style before launching into Hey Ya. Let's face it, I'm amazed they've sat on this song so long as it is perfect for Marcus. It gets even more perfect when some well defined lads in high-viz (ooo get me with the lingo) vests prance onto stage. It even has an unintentionally amusing moment when the plane he is dancing on presumably takes off. Brilliant. I'm a bit emotional. The home support video link is actually in the studio this year. It doesn't make it any less chaotic, but at least good golly, it's Olly :)

• preFIX ~ Why the fuck does Tulullah call them her little muffins? It's as much a mystery to me as the appeal of preFIX. I can't help but feel the nation is gripped in a "well The Saturdays were never as good as we hoped & have now imploded; Girls Aloud have gone awol and oh this will just do for now, won't it" strain of frenzied panic thinking, all aided and abetted by the incessant "ooo a group could win/a GIRL group could win" media hype that's prevalent in this country - all of which make preFIX appear much better than they actually are. Their VT, like every other finalist ever, is full of tears and inspirational music. When Tulullah introduces preFIX at a local gig, she shouts "who are you here to see?" and i'm pretty sure the audience shout back "NOT YOU". Kids can be so cruel. preFIX arrive on motorbikes on stage (how Girls Aloud Wake Me Up of them) before shouting some inaudible rap of dubious N-Dubz "quality". They do You Got The Love. JessieHeavyHair is still exaggerating every single move and nuance. Some of the vocals are a bit breathy but overall it is entirely perfunctory. Tulullah impersonates ReturningAct by shouting at them how much she loves them. "Why would anyone vote for Little Mix" asks Caroline Flack Hyphen Styles. Her unfortunate emphasis on 'anyone' means the question lingers in the air like an unwanted fart. Oh, just like Tulullah's perfume then!!
• RETURNING ACT ~ I am having visions that Returning Act will shout her way through that lovely new Madonna song, Masterpiece, and rename it Middlesbrough. *SHUDDER* That pink bloke is now making a living out of popping up on national television. RA doesn't arrive on a plane or motorbike, she just walks onto the stage. I would say this doesn't bode well for her chances but she is more popular than Marcus in the polls :S This week, Michael, she is going to be Christina Aguilera and therefore does Ain't No Other Man. Imagine if she had done Dirrty. JUST IMAGINE. Despite the huge venue, for the most part she reins in the shouting and it helps me see why she made it this far. So kudos Returning Act, kudos. Of course that means you will now be voted off first. It will be all my fault. I apologise. Louis calls her raw. Or R.A.W - Returning Act Woman.

JLS v ONE DIRECTION:

This could be as exciting as Alexandra and JLS performing together in the Joe-Stacey-Olly face off of 2009! I'm sad JLS don't do that bastardisation of Do You Hear What I Hear, which I have come to love. Still, their choice of She Makes Me Wanna totally makes sense as everyone knows it and it's a jolly good time. Then One Direction come on and perpetual end person Niall is allowed to stand in the middle, although as punishment they have dressed him in a blouse that your Aunt Mildred would fashion a nice brooch onto. (Louis T looks proper ace though). They do What Makes You Beautiful and THEN IT ALL GETS GENUINELY THRILLING - it's a She Makes Me Wanna Beautiful mash up. And a proper mash up. AMAZING. Release this now. NOW!!!

• MARCUS-GARY ~ I hate these "x factor helped me make something of my life" speeches. It shits all over people who work hard at jobs that they love & who don't necessarily want the spotlight! Ooo rant over. *Sings Wind Beneath My Wings* They do a lovely Always A Woman, perhaps the best since that advert or Garth Brooks. Gary gives lovely piano as always. It's quite heavenly. Based on their recent album debuts of the mentors and translating those into votes, Marcus is a shoo-in to win. (Take That = 12 for Progress Live; NDubz Greatest Hits = 38; and the aforementioned 56 for KellyNotClarkson, though i believe it will rise 'somewhat' this week). Have i doomed Returning Act again with this new scientific formula??
• preFIX-TULULLAH ~ Thank god they have called it a medley not a mashup. Jessie is still over-acting and gazing at Tulullah lovingly (but still can't beat the Alexandra-Beyonce Snot Off of 2008). Jessie is actually truly terrifying when she tries to be all street and beatboxes. She's about as street as Miranda's mom. Such fun. It really is only ok overall. "How do you feel about a fifth member" asks Dermot, and the girls look petrified knowing that is an absolute reality on this show. Some silly girl has a tattoo of Little Mix on her arm. Not shown? Rhythmix inked out on the other arm...
• RETURNINGACT-KELLYNOTCLARKSON ~ RA can't believe she got KNC as her mentor (so what a kick in the knickers when she booted her off week one). KNC knew that RA was something special (which is why she booted her off in week one). Their River Deep Mountain High is not bad thanks to more unintentionally hilarious moments (the adlibs, Kelly dancing, Kelly doing a 'cry' movement to match the lyrics, etc.

• LEONA ~ What happened to Leona and Alexandra? Surely both should be enormous still across the world? Instead they are in the same pop void that destroyed poor Shayne Ward. God knows what she is singing but i assume it is from her new EP of rushreleased covers as a gift to the fans in time for Christmas. Someone needs to explain gift to Leona. You don't buy your own gift!! It's no Run or Stop Crying Your Heart Out is it? It's far too quiet at the start and doesn't really go anywhere. The judges do a standing ovulation which shows they really will stand up for anything...
• THE BOOB ~ though i do prefer the Mans Zelmerlow and Matt Dusk swing into xmas albums, the Boob's festive offering is proper good all by itself. A reet bonny treat. Plus THANK GOD SOMEONE IS ACKNOWLEDGING IT IS CHRISTMAS. That is all. *watches All I Want For Christmas Is You by Same Difference*
• RESULTS ~ based on my scientific formula of album sales by mentors, in addition to temporarily liking her, i doomed Returning Act and she will be Returning no more! See you for part two later on then...

NIGHT TWO:

Are you weeping that it's all over and you won't get to read my blog about it every week?? :D I'm always at a bit of a loss as to what to write about after this cos as usual I've spunked all my energy on xmas and x factor!! What will I do now?? Anyway, enough about me. The judges arrive and Tulullah literally has to be hoisted down the steps as she has decided to come as wrinkly thrown away purple quality street wrapper. Bring back Dannii, Will Young for the Voice, etc...

• GROUP NO ~ Marcus surely shows the girls how to strut, even though of course 4 vocalists in a group are bound to drown him out. Oh! All the other finalists minus COCKOZZA are here. VIVA THE RISK, MISHA, 2 SHOES & JONNY!! Jesus Christ, Goldie is here? For someone who didn't want to be on the show she sure is lingering like Tulullah's perfume this weekend. Fuck off Goldie. And Kitty Litter.
• MARCUS ~ Song of the series. I did love Higher & Higher. It was absolutely exuberant. I hope it's as tremend tonight. Phew. It is. Though i hope they don't get him recording it for an album. Originals only please. I want UK Bruno Mars, not the new Ray Quinn. He certainly is more natural and engaging on stage than preFIX...
• preFIX ~ oh my god, yes a girl group has made the final and could win. Can we stop harping on about this now. Tulullah introduces them with the same words as she used last night. Verbatim. This does not bode well for the originality of the Little Mix career. It's Don't Let Go. I still think ET was their performance of the series and the one that made me almost like them. Jessie is by far the weakest member of the group. He "whoa oh uh ah" thing was appalling. And they can't even walk down the stairs in precision. It's the little things that count. Still even for a preFIX grinch like me, it's hard to begrudge them their moment to shine...
• XMAS MARCUS ~ A Christmas Cracker?! SQUEAL! I'm in heaven. I was bemoaning on twitter the lack of festiveness. So glad they listened :D It's Last Christmas and despite it's weirdly edited intro and some dodgy camera work it's all quite pleasant. Would it really really kill Take That to do a Christmas song by the way? PS Kelly is SO drunk tonight...
• preFIX XMAS ~ They do Silent Night. I'm secretly hoping for a rap breakdown. Louis writes something down and underlines it. That is how thrilling the performance is. It is one of their better vocals though (when the blonde one isn't overegging the pudding, which is about 90% of the time).

WESTLIFE ~

They are singing to a montage of highlights that it is hard to pay attention to. I will probably quite miss Westlife to be honest. They are not everyone's cup of tea, but I've enjoyed an awful lot of their records and you can't deny their success. I bet Gary is secretly furious they are not singing his Lighthouse song which rocketed them to no. 32. I'm a bit sad they aren't singing You Raise Me Up though...

• MARCUS ~ CANNONBALL: The way Gary says "X Factor Story" makes it sound like sex factor story. I wouldn't mind seeing Marcus and Eton Roader David Heath having a smooch if I'm honest :P Anyway, Cannonball for whoever the winner is? I'm not against it (as I haven't heard it as i type this), I just think it's a massive step backwards. Where is the individually picked song for the winner (regardless of whether a cover version or not). Marcus does make this sound utterly delightful though (there had better be a key change). (there is. He 'smashes' it). (AMAZING). (Whether he wins or not, this is now my winning single)
• LLITTLE MIX ~ CANNONBALL: I will grant them their name as it's the finale. They sing it well. Not as well as Marcus though.

COLDPLAY ~

I'll be sad if they don't do Viva La Vida or Christmas Lights. Theblogthatmarkwrote will be sad if they don't do Paradise. I'm made happy by the fact that everyone in the audience has glowing wristbands on and look amazingly colourful. They eventually get round to Paradise as the second song, which does sound like an XFactor Winner's song. That Chris Martin - what a sweaty betty!!

THIS IS IT... Oh. Well that's that then. The winning reprise of Little Mix's song is an absolute shambles. When the finalists descend on the stage, Little Mix stop singing, and have a jolly good chat. So unprofessional. How weird that their vocals carry on when they aren't singing. Hmmm. Pre-ordering the Marcus and Misha albums now then...

SEE YOU NEXT YEAR (when Little Mix are as big as Joe McElderry and Marcus is as big as Olly Murs)!!!!!!!!!