The X Factor 2012 ~ Auditions (Week One):

Blimey. It's back. Doesn't it just seem like it's finished? And doesn't it seem like Little Mix's "Wings" song (a greatest hits tribute to all girl groups ever, if ever there was one) has been around forever but not actually been released yet? Anyhoo, despite not giving Kelly NotClarkson's job to Geri "mad as a box of frogs" Halliwell, the X Factor is back! Back, bitches! And here's what happened in the first episode...

THE INTRO:

• In the beginning, there was a slightly altered reality of X Factor history. This history includes Leona, JLS, Alexandra snotting all over Beyonce one more time and of course genuine world wide phenomenon, One Direction. What, no Steve Brookstein?!
• Lots of clips play of what to expect this series - it's groundbreaking stuff. People waiting to audition, bad people auditioning, good people auditioning, people getting upset, Gary Barlow telling the world they found a little popstar... and CUE THE MUSIC!!
• Hurrah! It's the return of Dermot O'Leary. He's looking mighty fine as always. The man never ages, he just gets better. Like a PWL Kylie Minogue record. He tells us that thousands of people are auditioning to see if they have the X Factor and then does a nice pre-recorded walk through of stars gone by, like Olly Murs (in a nice jumper with a highly acceptable quiff), Alexandra Burke (thanking her lucky stars that she is still allowed on after the roaring success of album two) is "alright babe"-ing dot com while pretending to record new material; and of course One Direction who get up to all sorts of manly hi-jink by leaping all over Dermot. *PAUSES* *REWATCHES*
• Then lots of people who probably don't have the X Factor (ie, this years auditionees) tell the camera that they have the X Factor. This is a precursor to getting to the judgets - Gary Barlow, Tulullah, l'il Louis Walsh and of course Nicole "not very good on the US X Factor" whatsername.

THE AUDITIONS:

• SHAY ~ He apparently can't wait to meet "his boy, Derms". Dear god. He has the horn for Pixie Lott, which is nice. She eats at Nandos. See, popstars are just like you and me!! He's quite irritating. He gets cheered for being 17. These people will really cheer anything won't they?! He flirts with every single judge, not amusingly, and the whole nation thinks, OH JUST GET ON WITH IT. He sings What A Wonderful World in exactly the same style as Louis Armstrong sings it. Surely to god this must be a joke. "You have a raspy croak" says Tulullah in a classic moment of tv's biggest scripted drama. He takes a drink, sings a second song of Leave Right Now and isn't any better. Dear lord. We've reached the nadir of You've Been Framed X Factor television. NEXT!!
• FE / RICK / TASHA ~ 20 mins into the show and all we've had is one audition, Shay. On the plus side, the new series of Downton Abbey is coming soon! YAY!! However, FE is quite good and the judges seems to like her. She gets about 30 seconds of screen time though. She is followed by Rick, the singing fireman, who is a growly rock type, but not a Shay growly rock type. He also goes through and gets about 17 seconds. Tasha literally gets her 15 seconds and does an ok version of Nothing's Real But Love. She's also through.
• JAHMENE ~ He is allowed a bit more time, as there are footage shots of him doing the "whoops" stickers in Asda Walmart. He has had some good media training from the store as they get some good advertising time and he is jolly polite. He looks a bit nervous and kindly tells us that he might wee himself. Which is going to really show on that grey suit. Ooo he's very good indeed. He's like a male Mariah. His opening few notes of At Last made me think he could quite easily have Vision of Love as his debut single, then record Merry Christmas without missing a bit. At least he gets a decent amount of screen time. The judges quite like him. Tulullah says he has the shock factor, which usually just works once. Silly girl. And she mispronounces his name. He's obviously through. Hurrah, etc (*gets a bit emotional*).

• THE LOOKALIKES ft ZOE ALEXANDER (BURKE) ~ A Tulullah lookalike auditions. She's not had any bookings yet. And she works in a fish and chip shop. There but for the grace of god, eh Tulullah?!? Then Prince comes on and struts his funky stuff. Sadly he does not do Get Off or Sexy MF. Bah. Rod Stewart auditions. He is equally stars-in-your-eyes mediocre. Then P!nk auditions - well the P!nk tribute act. She's really just Zoe Alexander. She should have a double barrelled surname, such as Zoe Alexander-Burke. That would be even more confusing. She decides that she needs her own identity and therefore does So What by P!nk. It's all a bit shouty. You know I don't like shouty. It's all very uninspiring. "I'm trying to get away from P!nk" says Zoe and therefore gets a second song. More scripted emmy winning stuff! She's got a high irritant factor. She may well be this year's Katie Weasal, except she's not very good at all. It's no no and no. Moving on then...OOO hang on, before we move on, it all kicks off as Zoe says "you told me to sing a P!nk song". Well of course the production crew did - it was part of their lookalikes montage. But she did also get a second song I suppose. She throws her microphone across the stage and KICKS OFF! "Nooo baby" says a clearly vicodin'd Nicole as P!nk-Zoe comes on, screams her head off, attacks everyone and generally has a mental breakdown. LORD LUV A DUCK!

• CURTIS ~ we're now at the Mel B auditions. Wouldn't it be better if all the Spice Girls were just the entire judging panel? Or they should just do that as a new tv show next year? That would be amazing. But onto Curtis. He's a nerd. Or a geek. He can't work out which. He's actually a dork :D Bless. Oh jesus, there's a guitar. Anyway, he sings quite well and Gary does the series first "SMUG NOD" as if he is entirely responsible for the noise that is coming from Curtis' mouth. (Gary can be responsible for the noise coming from my mouth anytime, etc. FILTH!) Anyway, everyone loves a dork so of course it's four enthusiastic yes (which I typed before I even knew that there were four yes from the judges and actually there were only 3 because Mel B is clearly on her period. CURITS IS DEVASTATED that his idol Mel B hated him).
• MONTAGE ~ mel B continues to be a right moody little so and so. She is giving scary spice realness to all the contestants, and to be honest most of them need it. She's right to destroy the young lad who came on kick-dancing all over the stage though... ANYWAY! some nice old geezer called Lou auditions and he's 82 so she's bound to be nice to him. She's not. She decides not to be patronising and tells him she wanted to fall asleep. Well you've got to admire her honesty!!
• ELLA ~ you just know Ela will be the one to turn Mel B around. Although I don't think it's a good idea that she's singing her own song, even if it does have "emotional resonance" for her. Unsurprisingly it's a ballad. And quite a slow one. Even Beverley Craven would probably think it's a bit too slow paced. But she does sing it quite well. Gary has the series first "stunned mullet" expression going on. Wow, they actually let her sing almost all her own song. That's not going to boost some random cover back up the iTunes chart then is it?! Everyone, including Mel B, quite likes her. Everyone is crying. That is a lot of tears. You might need to stand under her umbr-ELLA. Ella. Ella. Ho ho, etc.