The X Factor 2012 ~ Auditions (Week Two)

So. A full week has passed since the P!nk tribute act went a bit do-lally on stage and led to two memorable-but-i-wish-i-could-forget judges moments. The first was Tulullah going "Stay on the stage! Stay on the stage!" That girl knows how to defuse a situation. Worse/More amazing of course was Nicole proving her infinite worth by standing up and whining "Oh baby no, no baby no", like BonkersP!nk was a naughty puppy that had piddled on the carpet for the very first time. Anyway, let's see if this week is going to be as exciting (and by exciting, I mean as well scripted as the premiere episode, obv)...

• THE INITIAL FILLER ~ (the bloke whose head is in the tv of the talktalk bit is quite fit innit?!) Anyway, there's quite like a long recap of what happened last week, a show which in itself was a bit elongated in itself anyway. Then there is quite a long preview of what is about to happen. Honestly, it's more padded than Homes Under The Hammer...
• RYLAN ~ Oh Jesus. Rylan is like a gay Jesus. He introduces Claire as his beauty girl who is responsible for how he looks. She should be taken out and shot. Or probably and more humanely put on an NVQ Hair and Make Up course. Level 2. To be fair, Rylan does say he looks a bit like a drag queen now. Drag Queen Jesus. Oh lordy lordy, I'm going to hell. Rylan spends far too long chatting to the judges. Just get on and sing will you "matey". He sings Kissing You from Romeo and Juliet. It's fair to say that it takes quite a while to get going. I'm an instant gratification sort of boy - and oh my days, after a quite nice beginning, he turns it into a massive rave anthem. His vocals leave quite a lot to be desired, but he probably can turn water into wine, so one wouldn't want to say no. Guest judge Rita Ora a) can't believe she is famous and b) quite likes Rylan. He's the sort of polarising character that would make the live shows. So of course Louis ensures his place at boot camp. I exhibit absolutely no surprise whatsoever...
• KYE ~ Kye is a chimney sweep. It doesn't sound like Charles Dickens at all. It sounds like Dick Van Dyke in Mary Poppins. Sheesh, get your pop culture references right per favor. Kai is doing a mash up. He probably means medley which is entirely different to mash up. I blame Glee for this common misconception. I think it is actually a medley of his own song (NOT A MASH UP!!!) and RIP. It's all a little bit dull, though I'm sure he was going for mesmerising and haunting. I really wanted him to launch into Nicki Minaj's Starships to give it some pep. However, clearly I know nothing (which I'm quite happy to admit) as the whole bloody audience is on their feet, including Dame Frigging Gary Barlow. I'll have to rewatch after the show to get a second opinion. Rita calls him a superstar. Bless her. I'm amazed that the amount of lipstick she has on doesn't glue her lips together...
• LUCY ~ Rita's gone and Moody Mel B is back. She was quite good at the Olympics though wasn't she?! Lucy stops people and takes photos of their babies. That could be a little bit illegal, but I 'm sure she's well intentioned. Prior to Lucy they weirdly decide to show Shannell whose only connection to Lucy is that she chatted to her in the waiting area. The judges eviscerate the poor lass and Lucy looks like she has thrown up her breakfast and is now chewing it. Lovely. Oh dear, she's singing her own tune - although I'd say it was more of a pastiche of Lily Allen and that woman whose song went on about "you must eat so many lemons, cos you are so bit-tah" (I forget her name). It's actually quite witty. She's definitely a cross between Lily Allen and Victoria Wood though (and that Bit-tah woman). It's definitely a bobby dazzler of an audition, but how is that going to translate into the themed weeks of the live shows?? She might just about be able to do Does Your Mother Know in Abba week, but she will be screwed in rock week... Anyway, the main three judges love it. AND MEL B LIKED IT!! (She's definitely headbutted her make up case this week!) I think it was a yes. I liked.

• BILLY ~ I'm treating to myself to a bit of Kendal Mint Cake (chocolate covered) as i'm at the cottage in the Lakes. Just a bit of an insight into my fascinating life for you there. Anyhoo we've not only ditched Rita, but also cast off Mel B because the show is in Newcastle and Nicole "Oh baby no, no baby no" is back. Brillo. Billy is the first they focus on and he's just like a male Cheryl Cole isn't he (other than he's not like Cheryl Cole AT ALL). Tulullah looks at him like he is shit on his shoe, and Nicole desperately looks around for a translator. I'm not sure I can sit through a Don't Stop Believing audition so I nip to the toilet. Even over the drizzle of my piddle, I can tell that he's pretty awful. They're wasting as much time on him as they did on that Shay chappy last week. It feels like the show just hired a stand up comic to fill a bit of time for "comedy value". What an absolute disaster... "I came from Los Angeles for this" says Nicole who I now christen NotDannii...
• SOPHIE ~ after a montage of dreadful auditions including a tiger (I kid you not), Sophie pops on in an outfit that Rita Sullivan from Corrie would send back for being too outlandish. She believes that the fact that she shouts the lyrics means that she is amazing. She is completely wrong. Bizarrely I actually think there's some potential there, but it's all over the place. They let her sing for far far too long and NotDannii spends the whole performance doing her best "O" face. Instead of saying "baby no, oh baby no", Nicole gives her some constructive criticism. Back to the school of the deluded.
JAMES ~ more dreadful audition montages fill the time until the producers decide it's time for someone good to come on. Will James be that person?? He's bought a guitar, so he's clearly a bit confused about whether this is Fame Academy or The X Factor. There's an AWFUL lot of back story that seems more suited for Jeremy Kyle than The X Factor. Apparently he puts all his feelings into music. I tend to put my feelings into cheesecake which is why I'm typing this and he is singing (though I do have mad piano skills). (PS, the youth of today need to stop thinking that appearing on the X Factor is the salvation to their wayward teen years). He's doing an acoustic version of Tulullah;s song - it's what it would sound like if Ed Sheeran did Tulullah's song. It's not entirely terrible but it's just not my sort of thing. Good God, I've been negative this week. I don't want to have been, I've just not been blown away (though I do really increasingly like Lucy). He gets very shouty at the end, which people who visit here regularly will know is an absolute pet peeve of mine. Gary tells James that no one should touch what he does, which means he's not suitable for the X Factor at all because they will mould him into exactly what they want him to be. Of course it's four yeses. Hurrah etc.

(Eee, by gum, I'll try to be more perky next week :)