Snap Crackle (Fizzy) Pop: Week ending 8th June 2008

Usually the week after I get back from a holiday goes incredibly slowly - perhaps knowing that I had my romantic anniversary weekend break coming up sped things up a little. Though really that should have slowed it down again? If you follow my logic! Sigh - so few people do! Talking of random thought processes ~ Does anyone know how to get stuff from a cassette tape to an mp3? I have this tape of mega rare unreleased Deb Gibson songs and no tape player :( I'm so new millenium sound system (ie something i just shove the iPod into!) Anyway, i will shovel the last delicious bit of Galaxy Caramel down my gullet (in your face less tasty Cadbury's Caramel!!!) and get on with the weekly wrap up...

FREAKS AND GEEKS:
Oh my. It's back. The tv "phenomenon" that is Big Brother 2008 has returned to our screens. Davina is more irritating than ever, though fantastic figure! The thing about Big Brother is that it really showcases the worst of British society which in turns lets me and millions of others completely judge them without feeling guilty. This year it is the usual bunch of egomaniacs looking for fame at any cost, and of course I will be watching for all 93 days. Maybe not every day, because, well I have a life, but most days :P Here are 3 very vital points about Big Brother before i opine on the contestants (is "opine" even a word?)

1. The contestants will always be loud, aggressive, argumentative and rude. They will attempt to justify this appalling behaviour by saying they "are just being honest". Apparently honestly trumps tact, kindness, good natured, being the bigger person and decency every time...
2. The first week is always too noisy and irritating; you also have to cope with Davina being smug about the twists that she doesn't reveal at the time she mentions it. It's like popjustice putting "something brilliant we can't tell you about yet" in the popjustice almight...
3. Heat and OK magazine will try to outdo each other in terms of how much coverage they can fit into a weekly issue. Heat will refuse to give up it's alternate "skinny celebs/porker celebs" rotating front page though...

OK, time for first impressions of the fame hungry whores...

• Mario and Lisa ~ Ooo a couple. How daring of Big Brother to er, borrow the concept from countless other bbs from round the world.
• Luke likes to wear suits. He is a complete geek, ergo i am preprogrammed to adore him. His shirts aren't particularly well fitted though. OK mag will sort that out though...
• Stephanie is the first of the "i'm so pretty and amazing" girls. She is very blonde. She has to pretend to be Mario's girlfriend to pass the task. Cue Mario looking very pleased and Lisa looking - well nothing, cos her face is so botoxed she can't express. Milk either i should imagine!
• Rachel is training to be a teacher. She is so hyperactive that the poor kids will probably put her on ritalin to calm her down.
• Dale fucking loves himself. Nice leather coat tho. He is too "Brad Pitt mental in 12 Monkeys" for me, but i can imagine the right hands of FMForum readers getting very tired over the next 13 weeks...
• Sylvia. I can't even remember her but i don't think i liked her. Yes i make snap judgements. Sue me.
• Oh Jesus Christ. No, don't panic christian soldiers, he hasn't descended to go in the house. Big Brother has chosen a loud camp gay dancer to go in. He thinks he looks fabulous. He does not. Black is only slimming on slim people! (Unless you choose carefully - Dennis didn't)
• Mikey is a radio producer. And has a terrible sense of humour though that could be nerves. His poncho is fucking hideous...
• Alexandra is evil. She thinks she is inspiration because she had a kid at 15. Yes that is something to aspire to. Sadly i will never achieve those giddy heights. Quite rightly the crowd boo the shit out of her (what a vile expression) - probably for at the very least abandoning her 8 year old kid for 13 weeks (or one week most likely)
• Some chef goes in. He has a £13,000 rolex. I therefore conclude he has more money than sense. I will not be moved on this theory :P
• Oooo political, etc. An asylum seeker goes in. He is a toy demonstrator and wears a suit like its 1979. He has a wicked fro though. That beast will be massive by the time he (Mohammed) gets out...
• Rebecca is from Coventry. Which is where i used to work. Its a shit hole, but now has a starbucks so it's going up in the world. She is brilliant. Big girl you are beautiful, etc., etc...
• Darnell is an albino. I hate it when people categorise individuals by their "disability" (not that i think albinonessism is a disability PC crew) and I just did it. I am chagrinned. Not as chagrinned as the housemates should be for thinking his name is Daniel or Donald. And not as chagrinned as he should be for wearing socks with sandals.
• Jennifer is a delight. Wipe yourselves down people because that sentence was dripping with sarcasm. She thinks she had a rough life cos she is another who got knocked up at 15 and it's ruined her fun. There's a tape to play at the 18th birthday party. She hates asylum seekers who get more than she does and is probably going to get a job writing headlines for the Daily Express.
• Finally its the most delightful thing in pink since jordan squeezed herself into that catsuit for eurovision. Kathreya is from thailand and fucking rocks. She is 5ft and addicted to cookies. I freudianly misspelt that as cockie. My bad.

Let the money making machine roll on...

OTHER BITS AND "BOBS":

• The greatest dance anthem ever (aka I Just Wanna Fucking Dance) now has a nice theatre version (above) to add to it's brilliant movie video. I still prefer the movie version, but it's nice to get a bit theatrical from time to time...However, THIS version tops them all. Bur-rilliant!
• Sex and the City (The Movie) was brilliant. Nice to see the famed "credits" tutu make an appearance. Bonza. Though wallowing Carrie went on a bit too long...
• I am all about rereading the freaking hilarious Georgia Nicholson series in honour of the films upcoming release. More on that (and the films now real boyband Stiff Dylans) next week...PS also very hilarious is the ongoing chav diaries of Shiraz. Now she is in i-beef-a, innit. Surely i'm the wrong target audience for these things? :P
• I'm re-obsessed with Everwood again. Bring back the WB i say (oh they are - online). I just finished season 3 and am feeling all sniffly. Nina - pick Andy! Choose Andy! LOVE Andy! Greg Berlanti is a god...
• Same Difference have posted another cutesy adorable blog. Those crazy kids...

TOP 21 FIZZYPOPTASTIC SONGS OF THE WEEK:

21 ~ Kylie, In My Arms
20 ~ Duffy, Warwick Avenue
19 ~ David Jordan, Move On
18 ~ McFly, One For The Radio (NE)
17 ~ Rongedal, Just A Minute
16 ~ Mariah Carey, Bye Bye
15 ~ The Feeling, Turn It Up
14 ~ Ola, Love in Stereo
13 ~ The Feeling, Without You
12 ~ Madonna, Give It 2 Me (NE)
11 ~ BWO, Bells of Freedom (NE)
10 ~ Jesse McCartney, Bleeding Love
09 ~ Madonna, Four Minutes
08 ~ Blake Lewis, How Many Words
07 ~ Enrique, Can You Hear Me?
06 ~ BWO, Lay Your Love On Me
05 ~ Alphabeat, 10,000 Nights
04 ~ Jack McManus, Bang On My Piano
03 ~ Jason Mraz, Lucky
02 ~ Maroon 5 ft Rihanna, Never See Your Face Again
01 ~ Kylie, The One (NE/1 Week)

Previous 2008 number ones: The Feeling, I Thought It Was Over (4 weeks); David Jordan, Sun Goes Down (4 weeks); Jesse McCartney, Leaving (3 weeks); Madonna, 4 Minutes (2 weeks); The Feeling, Without You (4 weeks); BWO, Lay Your Love on Me (3 weeks); Maroon 5, Never See Your Face (2 weeks)