The X-Factor Week 6: Boot Camp!

Lions and tigers and bears, oh my. The auditions are over and it's time for bootcamp. Without Cheryl (buggy) or Dannii (Placenta-y). Imagine half your workforce not turning up! Still there is lovely Nicole standing in. Again, i state that the US X Factor must sign her up stat! I guess she is like the temp from Randstad that you really like but don't have a permanent position for... :P Oh let's just get on with it and see what changes are in store for the 211 (!) acts put through so far...

• INTRO ~ Everyone arrives. Louis and Simon arrive. Simon's shirt is absolutely hideous. The time keeps popping up on the screen like it is some high octane drama a la 24. It is not. At best, it's like one of the better Hollyoaks. All the acts are split into the respective categories and each act in the category has to sing the same song! Gasp! The innovations!
• THE OVER 25s ~ they get Poker Face. It does not suit anybody, except 50 year old check out operator Mary. And perhaps Marlon from last week. Mary pronounces Lady Gaga as "lady gag-her" which makes me smile quite a lot. As much as one can smile with raging toothache.
• THE REST ~ Oh clearly the producers are bored of this part of the proceedings already because they are just whizzing through it montage style. Tobias fucks up Man In The Mirror and has a good cry with Dermot. Oh Tobias - Idina fucked up Defying Gravity in her audition for Wicked, said a curse, nailed it, and got the part anyway. So all is not lost (despite Simon saying there are no second chances. Perhaps he means figuratively. Like when people say "oh i literally laughed my head off" Well you didn't, so clearly you mean figuratively).
• THE GIRLS ~ did the groups and the boys even happen? I popped two co-codemol and must have missed the montage. Chloe turns up late because she has been on the lash and her mouth tastes of sick and vodka. She is class all over, though at least honest. Ghastly. As are many of the vocals in the montage. Madonna-Katie sings, is only ok and says it's in the lap of the gods. She means Simon's crotch.
• DECISIONS1 ~ Simon & Louis talk about people whose pictures we cannot see, so it is all a bit meaningless. This is yet another X FACTOR CLICHE that I had forgotten about. Tobias is still crying. Someone needs to give him a valium. Lots of people go home, though honestly it's really hard to tell who. This episode is all over the shop. On the flip side, lots of people are through and X FACTOR CLICHES abound including the "you are not...." (long pause) "...going to be disappointed, you are through!" fakeout & people calling their folks and holding the phone like they are on The Apprentice (UK version)...
• DAY2 ~ Dermot has a new shirt on. He looks as good as ever. The acts are back on stage. And being taught to dance. It's not a judged section of the show so is ultimately just a bit of filler that is probably designed to bring some comedy relief to what I'm sure the producers believe is a bit of tension. What is funny is Brian dressed as a kermit version of Kylie's Can't You Out Of My Head persona. Titter. His neckline is well plunging though. Lots of people dance badly and Louis trots out the first "people need to own the stage" of 2010. Bless him. I'm a bit speechless at it all really, but the sweat pouring off househusband Stephen is making me nauseous...
• BAD DANCERS ~ Zain has a bit of a hissy fit. Have we even seen Zain before? At all? Ever? Probably not and now he is a supporting player given a guest starring role in the script. He runs off backstage, refuses to dance and basically has a bit of a nervy mare moment. Simon pep talks him and he decides to give it a go. He's not awful and Simon displays some smugness. The girls and groups have no nervy mares among them so don't get nearly as much time spent on them. 2 things though - Diva Fever rock the most, and despite Mary's gippy knees she at least gives her titties a good shake. Glorious.
• THE FINAL CHALLENGE ~ the remaining acts all have 40 songs to chose from. They must absolutely pick the right song. This clearly means that some people will pick the wrong song and this will be THE WORST THING EVER. Etc.

• CHER ~ is putting a twist on her song choice and adding a rap. This could be amazing. Or a sweet Christ moment. She does Viva La Vida though it isn't instantly obvious. It's a bit odd, but I really love her. It's not perfect, but it's daring and interesting and probably the most innovative thing ever seen at this stage of the competition.
• PRINCE & ROGUES: Have they even been on before? Perhaps during a montage? I like them. They do Party In The USA by Miley and sing "and the pussycat dolls are on". Do you see what they did there?!?! It works. Bravo.
• TREYC ~ I had issues with her name spelling last year and it hasn't changed this year. She does a rather good version of Creep, but she's been here before so the producers move on. Blimey, they are whizzing through it tonight.
• STORM ~ remember the vomit that Chloevil could taste in her mouth earlier? I'm tasting it right now. He's corn on the cob and i really can't be doing with that this year. Diva Fever seem to like him though. Bless their naivite.
• CHLOE ~ God her knees are atrocious. They are as horrible as her gob. She's got bits of belt hanging down by her crotch. They are like two tampon strings. Essentially she is like a slightly skankier version of Christina Aguilera circa Dirrty. IMAGINE! She forgets the words and freestyle hums. Travesty.
• TOM ~ who Pixie said no to and then yes to (fail). Sings Live and Let Die. He does some comedy rock god faces and some strutting on the spot. Simon can barely criticise this because it is at least on a par with Joe fisting in Ambitions...
• LIAM ~ who I adore nearly as much as I adore Cher. He's a bit nervous. Oh I hope he's brillopants. Oh god, he's doing Stop Crying Your Heart Out, which isn't a problem per se, but it's been on several times tonight because clearly Simon needs Leona's version to rechart. It's good but not great sadly :(
• THE REASON ~ they do the best acoustic version of Bad Romance I've ever heard. Though i've only ever heard one other. The Wanted beware - the game has been raised.
• MATT ~ Scruffy matt does a flawless, emotional version of First Time Ever I Saw Your Face. Twitter will explode with excitement over a boy doing this, though I'm sure Stereophonics or someone did it first. It's technically lovely but honestly, I was bored rigid. Probably the tooth

SUNDAY'S SHOW...

Apparently the pressure has never been greater. You know, other than the other years at this stage, or the live shows, or perhaps even the live final... tonight's show is much easier to blog as it focuses once again on individual performances, rather than annoying montages...

• KATIE ~ It's Madonna-Katie. She doesn't look as good this time. Her hair, in fact, looks a bit like Hilda Ogden. Oh enough sniping, she's doing a lovely cuddly version of Make You Feel My Love. Darren and I have a romantic little gazing moment that leads to other stuff, but then the tooth starts again. I was right to love her from the start. Amusingly, another contestant in the audience has an "oh poo, she's really good" look on her face...
• DIVA FEVER ~ YAY! It's diva fever! Or Divfev as I will now call them. I predicted on twitter earlier tonight that they would make the judges houses, but then break my heart by not getting through to the live shows. They do a bit of a dodgy version of Bad Romance, but are so full of pep and spunk (oo-er) that they must be put through for the fun factor. (Louis loves them, ergo there is a montage of acts that Louis loves but not Simon including Twat or whatever those twins were called)...
• AIDEN ~ He has Simon Curtis' 8 Bit Heart glasses on. He's doing This Year's Love by David Gray which is a bit disappointing after his first audition. God, these pre-song monologues are painful aren't they? I think Nicole has done a little love-wee and Simon's well into Aiden's amateur dramatics during the song. I've gone off him a bit now to be fair. (More montagey bits follow, including Husstle who in 2 minutes are already more interesting than 2 years of The Saturdays)...
• REBECCA ~ or the anti-Chloe. Her vocal coach, John Modi, is as pretty as her dress :P Just saying. Well, the dress in rehearsal, not the unfortunate choice she wears for the main audition :/ 'm distracted by her lovely but ever so slightly dull performance of Like A Star because SIMON IS DRINKING FROM A STYROFOAM CUP! This is a) dreadfully common and b) hideously environmentally unfriendly. This show has no green factor.
• NICOLO ~ or the real diva fever. He wants a mic stand. How bizarre. He rolls his eyes a lot and states he has come a long way (long pause) from italy. Which is unintentionally hilarious. I thought he would get swallowed up by Life On Mars, but apart from some pitching problems and Deidre Rachid Barlow neck problems,, it's the best LOM since G4. (More unintentionally hilarious quotes include Paige saying "i'm hungry". Guffaw)...
• GAMU ~ Must we have a reminder of each contestant's first audition? And more "Stop Crying Your Heart Out" in the background? Chill, Simon - it will no doubt re-chart for little Leona. Oh. She's doing Make You Feel my Love. Adele will be racking in the cash from the re-chart of this. Gamu is simply wonderful by the way...

That's it! Lots of deliberations are interspliced with lots of contestant platitudes about this being their last chance, how life changing it is, how they don't want to go back to the same old shit job that 95% of the people watching will have, etc. Nicole wants some of the 26/27 year olds in the boy/girl categories so the overs is upped to 25. I am aghast at this but only cos I am a stickler for rules. Oh, and 8 in each category are going to judges houses. Here they are with what i think is the best category listed first and the worst last (the ones I want in live shows are in bold)...

• GIRLS ~ Katie, Raquelle, Keri, Treyc, Annastasia, Rebecca, Cher, Gamu
• BOYS ~ John, Nicolo, Paige, Aiden, Marlon, Karl, Matt, Tom
• GROUPS ~ Twat, The Reason, Diva Fever, FYD, Princes & Rogues, Husstle & 2 new supergroups from solo contestants (X FACTOR CLICHE, but at least it means Liam is through!)
• OVERS ~ Honestly, they just whizzed through this and I couldn't keep up but Storm (boo) and Mary (yay) are through!

And then the judges for each category are revealed. Of course Cherevyl got the strongest category, while Dannii got the boys. Simon I do believe will work wonders with the groups, while Louis gets shafted with the overs. Poor bastard. AND SO IT BEGINS....