The X-Factor 2010 ~ Week 8: Live Shows (Number Ones)

ELIMINATION SHOW WRITE UP IN THE COMMENTS!

It's the live shows! FOR 2 AND A HALF FREAKING HOURS (all notes typed in real time while watching the show)....

• GAMU-GATE ~ Basically Cheryl stands by her decision and her girls. So that's a big Cee-Lo 'fuck you' to the public then isn't it? Pleasingly as the judges walk onto the stage, Dannii looks much better than Cheryl (who looks like she's been dipped in wood varnish and wiped the remainder from her body across her intensely darkened brow!!)
• THE TWIST! ~ I hope you were all sitting down for the twist. Ohmigoditsawildcardround! Each judge chooses one act to join the live shows (which is a little bit different to how I thought it would be). It's Treyc, Paije (ew ew ew), Wagner (Christ Alive) and DIVA FEVER!! Let me be clear now, regardless of how they perform, I am behind Diva Fever. And a bit sad that Cheryl didn't knock on Gamu's door only to have her mom whisper through the letter box like on the ITV news. Oh well, you can't have it all...
• FYD ~ Oh finally, the ACTUAL SINGING has started. The theme this week is number ones. How precise and focused. That won't lead to a show that's all over the shop with impossible to compare vocal performances at all. Anyway, it's FYD! And the one who does most the talking in the vt looks SIGNIFICANTLY older than all the others. They sing Billionaire, which John did last week at judge's houses. They do look a bit like they've been attacked by a Topman "Clothing Technician". It's perfectly fine, it's nice to see some decent dancing on the show, etc. Dannii says they move too much. Cheryl says they don't move enough. This is probably just replicating the botox conversations that go on during the week between the girls (and Louis). Oh go away orange lady. (I'm not pleased about the availability of the contestant's songs on iTunes either. That's the chart fucked til Christmas then :( )
• MATT ~ Oh take off the hat Matt (ooo how Gavin and Stacey e.g. you're eating ham, pam, etc). And didn't Olly do the whole "i live at home with me parents" schtick? And again, Gavin from G&S before him? Cheryl says Matt should take himself off on Saturday night. Oh blimey! That would be a whole different X-Factor!! Surely he has a sock in his room for that! He does a Coldplay-esque version of When Love Takes Over and delivers a bloody outstanding vocal. Dannii is right to look smug. Simon says he could have a monster hit with that song - surely that's the point of the iTunes releases anyway? Won't that give an indication of who is most popular anyway?!
• JOHN ~ I do quite like JOhn. God! Another person who lives at home - the recession has ruined single people's chances to get laid! He's dressed WAY too old and walks on stage like he's pooed his pants. Which he may have as he looks terrified. Louis looks very unhappy but he chose the song (that I love, but just seems so very dated after the previous 2 performances). It was very well sung but just seemed very out of sorts. He looks like he is about to have a nervous breakdown as the judges chat - Simon proclaims that One Sweet Day was only number one in New Zealand. I'm pretty sure it was number one for about a year in the States. I'll check Wikipedia later...(EDIT: yup, number one for 16 weeks. Nice fact checking Simon!)
• REBECCA ~ My new fave of the girls. She's sad at leaving the kids - surely not alone as it seems, unless she has some cameras set up for some hilarious Home Alone style hijinks?! She sings Teardrops and there's no doubting her voice is very good but she looks as uncomfortable as John. She nearly goes arse over tit at one point. I'm vaguely disappointed - I expected more from her. Simon is annoyed that her vt doesn't represent her properly, she's a fun girl not a sobber. Which essentially is a public declaration that the editing crew need to show Rebecca having a laugh next week maybe like the credits of some cheesy sitcom. Cheryl says Rebecca is real. Unlike Cheryl's tan, eyelashes, hair extensions and teeth :P Miaow.

• STORM ~ Hideous. He really does look dreadful with Sharon Osbourne hair. He's going to fall off a plank apparently as part of his routine. It's churlish of me to hope they don't catch him. He has borrowed Jim Carrey's The Riddler as his look and sings We Built This City. The stage fall was a huge anticlimax, like jumping off the bottom step of the stairs instead of the fourth. Also disappointing are the half assed Gaga-esque dancers. Once again Louis has found himself a Jedward but without any of the annoying charm. I'm unimpressed. "It is what it is" says Simon sagely, before stealing my Batman line. BAH. There's some discussion about Storm not making it before after all the trying, and yes I feel there's something in that...
• BELLE AMIE ~ The made up group full of girls who weren't good enough to be put through but were too good to let go. THIS MAKES NO SENSE! Still, they did a brillo Faith last week so I'm glad they're here. Apparently they buggered it up in rehearsals and it's initially not much better on the live shows. They look and sound like The Saturdays and I certainly don't mean that as a compliment. Oh they are singing that Bob song about planes. Simon's theme this year must be "current" rather than producing a recording artist with any longevity. Surely seeking credibility for the x factor now is like seeking for natural skin on Sharon O's face?! Dannii says the girls have great style. They did not.
• CHER ~ Yes, it will be nice if she can get through her first song, yes basing judges houses on that (admittedly very good) first performance from auditions makes a mockery of the whole process, but this is about tonight! Of course she does Just Be Good To Green which wasn't a number one, but Just Be Good To Me (and Dub Be Good To Me) was. There's still something a bit hesitant about her that makes it a bit awkward to watch. Clearly I am seeing something else though because the script states that she is what everything is about this year ie, being current and relevant etc. Simon reels this off as the resolution to GamuGate and Cheryl cheers like it's a good thing someone is getting deported. Though i can't work out whether Cher has her own unique relevant appeal or whether Cheryl is modelling her on herself so she looks like she is cutting edge and now. If this was a soap opera (and it is), Cheryl will be revealed as Cher's mom is the cliffhanging season finale...
• DIVA FEVER ~ "From me to Louis, it's Diva Fever!" may be Simon's only good line of the night. Oh and YAY YAY YAY! I couldn't be more thrilled they are here. They are not the Jedward of this year but the Same Difference of 2010. Their glamour shoot vt is the funniest I have seen on the x-factor ever. They do a bit of Boney M and strip from sparkly suits to cycling shorts. It veers from brilliant camp disco to occasionally dreadful harmony. Craig is far more solid than his buddy. I did quite love it but i also yearn for it to be ever so slightly better. Please god do a PWL week and get them to do London Boys Requiem...

• PAIJE ~ I don't get Paije. I can't really be bothered to write much about him. Why the fuss is he dressed like a tasteless tourist in Disneyland moaning about the queue for space mountain while eating a turkey leg (which are seven freaking dollars y;all!) Does Killing Me Softly. His vocals hurt my ears as much as his outfit hurts my eyes. The judges love him of course, though Simon says he is infectious. I'm getting a rash just looking at the crackling static of his bri-nylon trackie top...
• KATIE ~ I have gone right off Katie, whom I used to adore. She's mintage - vintage, but a mess. I'm not sure why i've gone off her, it's probably all the negative press. I'm so easily swayed. She does We Are The Champions as Lady Gaga (seemingly playing piano but her fingers are nowhere near where they should be. I know, i'm grade 8). Cheryl leads some lacklustre clapping but seems to be on her own. It's ok. The breathy vocals are nowhere near as striking as her tights. Oh and is it me, or is Simon in a pissy mood with the X Factor this year? He's down on sob stories, doesn't like song choice before 2009 and now doesn't want boring outfits, he wants original ones like Katies. Um, it wasn't original when Lady Gaga stole it from Kylie and it isn't original now.
• MARY ~ Yes! We get that she works at Tescos. Surely this is not the most important fact from her life! Oh no! Overshadowing the Tesco story (will she duet with Jane Horrocks in the final?) is Mary's laryngitis. See! Simon warned us Paije was infectious. She comes out as Renee from Renee and Renata and does a belting version of This Is A Man's World. (Vaguely disappointed she didn't do Womaniser!) It's actually very good, she gets right into the performance and manages to distract me from her Vera Bennett bun. Amazaeballs. Adore her. Even the ridiculously extended clapping doesn't irritate me. I'd love Mary to be a new wave of popstar. She wipes the floor with Susan Boyle.
• NICOLO ~ I wonder if he got told off about his tweets over how editing made him look a bit of a knob? He's doing Lord Gaga dressed as the cover of the Hurts album. A sort of aristocratic Just Dance - a song that already sounds dated to me. I quite like the staging and the verses are better at showing off his vocals than the chorus. I honestly can't work out whether he was good or not and he does look a bit haughty and arrogant during judges comments. Still, he can't be bottom two as I need Dannii to be victorious this year. However, when the judges are talking about working with divas, Louis says he is working with three (looking at Dannii, Cheryl and SimOne) and not one person laughs. Tumbleweed

• ONE DIRECTION ~ I keep calling them Wand Erection for some reason, which is inappropriate and sounds like a Harry Potter porn film. They got put through for having woos and a lead singer (the same reason Husstle didn't get put through, but this is the X Factor where nothing needs to make sense). They are doing Darin's version of Viva La Vida dressed as a Burton's shop window. There are varying degrees of quality in the solo vocals (yay Liam, poor Zaine) but when they come together it is very nearly glorious. And they look happy performing which is a rarity tonight. Simon pulls out the "too good to send home, too bad to make it" line again. He is working my last nerve this year already...
• WAGNER ~ Christ on a tricycle Louis! Why?! WHY! "I was born in Brazil and now live in a bungalow in Dudley" is the most tragi-comic thing I have ever heard. Christ on a tricycle. It's She Bangs and he sings it like a drag queen. A drag queen in velvet and hoop earrings. More speechlessness. Now there are bongo drums. It's the most bizarre X Factor ever as he bongos his way into Love Shack and the dancers massage their breasts. The judges look stunned. Tazared. Beaten Down. Defeated. Embrace the madness people or it will consume you whole.
• AIDEN ~ He looks a bit like Bright Light Bright Light. Both have quite good pop star hair. He's doing a rather vampiric version of Mad World and looks really really intense and angry. Perhaps he is thinking about Gamu. If Annie Lennox started off on a show like X Factor I can't help but think her performance would be like Aidens. Vocally he's outstanding but his outfit and intensity are frightening. Simon steals my vampire line in his summation. MY LAST NERVE!!
• TREYC ~ or Trek as I call her. She wasn't good enough twice (boo judges, etc) but she's good enough tonight. Apparently Katie and Cher were quite cold to her upon her return which doesn't surprise me and sours me against them a little bit more (though part of me is rationally explaining that it IS a competition and who wants belting vocalists bought back?!) She does a proper good version of One Love. Dressed as Tina Turner (right before she gets sprayed with chicken shit in the Mad Max film). Stunning...

And that's your lot. Updated tomorrow with Joe (yay)! Usher (yawn)! The double elimination - my faves tonight are Matt, Diva Fever, Mary, One Direction, Aiden and Treyc. Weakest were Belle Amie, Katie, Nicolo and Wagner...