The X Factor 2011 ~ Live Shows: Week 6 (Radio Gaga week)

Hurrah for Pob from Boy Banned for doing such an amazing job of blogging The X factor for me last week, while I lived it up on the Costa Blanca. How glam. But like KellyNotClarkson to his Alexandra "Ok DOT COME" Burke (the berk), I am back and ready to be knocked off my feet by the best talent that Britain has to offer. Only I have travelled back in time and Goldie is doing an audition. All this does is make you realise that someone of Goldie's calibre made it through to boot campt. Madness. Let's face it, like a spooked animal, the X Factor this year is a show careening out of control due to panic at every little misstep. It's like when year 2 of Glee just responded to everything that fans did and didn't like, and the show became a bit (lot) of a mess. With le factor du X there are double eliminations, multiple boot offs in week one, public meltdowns and public sickies. It's like they feel they have to constantly top what has happened before, whether it be of their making or not. It makes for rollercoaster viewing, but it is as compelling as a season finale of Dynasty and just as enjoyable :D

The technical problems are all sorted, and the producers solemnly deal with Frankie's drug shame by offering a helpline for those affected by similar problems. Of drugging, boozing and "shagging fit fitty birds". Oh no they don't. They do big exciting music and make it one of their dramatic plot points. Dermot comes out doing a Paparazzi dance. This is slightly more embarassing than trying to line dance on holiday to One Direction. Let's speak no more of and move onto the judges. Tulullah's arm thing is back and KellyNotClarkson is dressed like my butler, Jeeves. Perhaps the X Factor producers thought "hmmm, Downton Abbey is popular, let's bring that appeal into the show"...

The theme is Gaga vs Queen week. This is a theme? What next? One Direction vs The Eagles week? Oh dear god...

• KITTY ~ Ms Litter was in the bottom two last week. Hurrah. The former (current) Lady Gaga impersonator isn't doing the Gaga song she wanted (Born This Way) so acts her way into a meltdown and does a Queen song. BECAUSE THERE ARE NO OTHER GAGA SONGS IN THE WORLD. Her hair is enormous and once again she appears to have forgotten her trousers. I do quite like the Bodicea thing going on, but her rendition of my favourite Queen song ever, Don't Stop Me Now, starts off all tremulous and seems to really overwhelm her all the way through. Let's face it, it was no McFly version. The judges all uniformly love it and now there is no Jonny to have a gay-off with each week, Mr Borelow decides to get a room with Louis instead. The relentless flirt.
• CRAIG ~ Mr Borelow (seriously, he's hot and all as a DILF, but you'd have to gag him or shove something in his mouth during pokey cuddles or you'd drop off) introduces Craig with a "fasten your seatbelts". I do love Craig actually but this is completely unnecessary. Craig is a solid reliable milk float overtaken by pensioners on their way to coupon day at the local Co-op. He does Paparazzi, my least favourite Gaga single. It's hyped as his "own spin" on the song, when it's actually that Greyson Chance kid's version. It's very pleasant. It's very (titter) blah blah. His voice does suit the song beautifully though. He's milkfloat. The audience go wild, like they are all wearing those electric shock suits that passes for entertainment on Big Brother year after year. The judges harp on about the arrangement and making the song his own. Or at least borrowing it from Greyson Chance...

• LICKIN' PRICKS ~ The act with the worst name ever are still in the competition. It is slightly amazing until I remind myself that I actually currently like them thanks to that Katy Perry song they did a couple of weeks ago. I am reliably informed that I would not like them if I saw last week's dire effort. I do feel sorry for one of them when she has a little cry because the pressure has got to her. This is what the Saturdays feel like everytime they release a single and tweet incessantly about wanting a number one, then it leaping in at number 4. So these are real pressures on a girl band. It's Radio Gaga with them dressed in retina explodingly bright colours. Oh it's not Radio Gaga anymore, it's Telephone. SANS MONSTER CLAWS. One of them has What You Lookin' At written across her snatch area. Not only is this grammatically incorrect, if you don't want people looking at your hooha, then don't draw attention to it with the written equivalent of a camel toe. The song was decent enough. Gary asks them if they would like to do something different next week. Giving their personalities a chance to shine forth, they all um and ah, look at each other and do brilliant impressions of deers caught in the headlights. Caught doing what, I'm not sure...
• JANET ~ Is now Ireland's sweetheart. This is what happens when you forget the words. UNFORGIVABLE. Well not completely unforgivable, but it's a bit of a botch isn't it? Kelly wants Janet to go back to what she does best - pretending to be shy and doing warbly warbly vocals. This comes minutes after preFIX are told they are getting predictable for doing the same thing week after week. No doubt if Marcus does something a bit rockabilly, he will be told it should've been a one off. MAKE UP YOUR MINDS YOU INCONSISTENT X FACTOR JUDGES!! (when has an x factor winner's album ever been a diverse mix of tunes??) Janet does a very gentle performance of my 2nd fave Queen song ever, Somebody To Love. Some dramatic songs really suit a stripped back version. This doesn't. Let's face it, it's no G4 version. Louis calls her captivating and Janet looks like Puss in Boots doing the kitty eyes from the Shrek films. Gary is absolutely right in saying it was boring, but she does look utterly destroyed by this comment. Didn't Gary tell Louis off for saying he would never be as rude to acts as Louis was to Frankie?

• MARCUS ~ I'm excited for Marcus and Misha this week, Love love love the Marcus. He wants to be Bruno Mars - vintage and contemporary and he looks well dapper, a right bobby dazzler if you will this week. He does a rollicking swing version of my 9th fave Queen song ever, Another One Bites The Dust. It's a finger clicking good time. I know it's a finger clicking good time, and I am oh so ready for Marcus the Pop Star, but i'm inexplicably ever so slightly disappointed. Kelly and Tulullah say it all feels a bit forced and he should look more natural. I don't think that's the problem but he says he will work on looking natural. Which sort of defeats the object of it doesn't it?
• MISHA ~ I can't believe I missed Proud Mary! Love love love The Misha. Apparently if you live in Manchester, you must also love and vote for Misha each week. Otherwise you may get glassed. She is doing Born This Way and in the world's most hideous blue dress that even my nan would put back on the rack for being too dowdy. It's a weirdly not quite getting started sparse percussive version of the song that finally perks up a bit in the 2nd chorus, before an amuse bouche of a dance off in the middle 8. Louis calls her Chaka Khan. Better than Lenny Henry I suppose...
• THE RETURNING ACT ~ Oh the drama. There is 1000% more drama each week on the x factor than the week prior to the week that just happened in the previously! One of the acts that wasn't good enough to go through to the public vote shows is being given a second chance! This is the year for people who aren't good enough! All those solo singers that weren't good enough made up NoVibe, NuRisk and preFIX! Is it a foregone conclusion that AmeliaLilyPond is coming back? Surely it should be a boy as Gary lost one from his category (not through lack of votes amazingly either!) so should have one replaced. And also cos I can't stand to see Kelly looking smug if it is Amelia. Oh. It is Amelia. God she looks butch and has the voice of a builder smoking fifty a day when she talks. Her version of The Show Must Go One (my 8th fave Queen song ever, fave Queen song ever fans!) seems ever so slightly too big for her, but of course we must praise her return. I do despise KellyNotClarkson more than ever though...

SUNDAY RESULTS SHOW:

Last night happened! ReturningAct returned! This left KellyNotClarkson all smug even though she ditched AmeliaLilyPond the first chance she could. Anyway, it's apparently a performance from one of the biggest pop stars in the world tonight! Yes! Bruno Mars is back! oh right, it's Lady Gaga, which makes Dermot go all high pitched with excitement. The judges come on. Not literally, like 4 girls on holiday come on together at the same time. Synchronised. That would be gross. KellyNotClarkson is dressed all in black with far too much tafetta going on. She looks like a badly wrapped funeral gift.

GROUP NO ~ It's Walking On Sunshine. And not the Gamu version. Janet is forced to look happy and flirt with Craig. This is not a good look for her. Marcus outsunshines Kitty easily and his hair looks really good. What is it with Lickin' Pricks and standing on boxes? And I'm annoyed they have stolen my easy but looks good bend at the knees and shimmy dance move. Boo you whores! Meanwhile, I still can't get over how good Marcus looks. But I must. As soon as the song is over, there is a shot of Janet. Looking utterly utterly miserable. Like my mom when she lost her £5 off when you spend £40 at Asda coupon...

WAND ERECTION ~ the sole reason there are so so many made up groups this year in the contest. But they are a jolly good time and both singles to date (including this one) have outcharmed The Wanted and JLS (but not quite Spanish boyband Auryn). Harry sounds a little bit strained, but other than that it is a jolly rousing performance that gives me a little frisson of excitement - the same I felt when Take That did the Beatles Medley at the Brit Awards a million years ago. Mash Ups didn't exist then so it couldn't be incorrectly labelled!! There is a lot of hair product going on, but Zayn wins the hair off...

LAGAGA ~ It's an exclusive performance of her new single. So exclusive that she performed it on the MTV Awards t'other week dressed as uranus. Or something. I don't really need to go on about this as it will be the most talked about and analysed performance of any on this year's show. I will make myself unpopular by saying this - a) it's my least fave single of hers since Paparazzi and b) it made me want to watch Like A Prayer. Give me controversial Jesus over headless siamese twin anyday...

RESULTS ~ as long as it's a Misha & Marcus final (with one other who can win, so they will get the more creative record deals), I'll be happy. I really want an M&M finale. Craig is first (milkfloat) followed by the Dev (WHAT?!) (Louis is right to look stunned), Marcus (YAY), ReturningAct and preFIX (WHAT PART TWO!) The setting up of Misha B as thief of Born This Way has obviously worked wonders. Bah humbugger. Ludicrous. It should so be preFIX and Janet. Heavy hearted sigh. Kitty mishears Dermot and spouts the wrong cliche when he talks to her, but then sings Somewhere Over The Rainbow. Rather well. It's actually quite nice, though a choice between Miss Misha and LaLitter means it's time to put this Kitty out. Misha does an impassioned Jessie J. She should have come out with a broken leg a la Jessie J. That would have been amazing. Kitty has done the nigh on impossible and made me temporarily like her, but she has to go. It's oddly sad considering I slated her week in week out. But then she does Born This Way acapella and I've gone off her all over again...