The X Factor 2011 ~ Live Shows: Week 7 (Movie Night)

The M&S Pre-Live Show Preview :)

It's not just Christmas. It's M&S Christmas. And it's not just X Factor at Christmas. It's M&S X Factor at Christmas. This year the contestants are all gussied up in their finest Marks and Spencers clobber, promoting the best place to buy your Christmas party nibbles (their Bucks Fizz is to die for). Not only that but you also get a little listen to the charity single When You Wish Upon A Star, not Wishing On A Star which I accidentally/mistakenly thought it was. This is much better (though frankly I still think the Hotel Rivals Second Best To None track would be a corker). Anyway, there are many things that I quite like about this commercial break. First off, the ruthlessness of it all - even though it's Christmas, they update it and cut out the ditched contestants! Amazing! No Kitty! No Frankie! ReplacementAct is in there though. It's all brutally Dickensian, isn't it?! Secondly, Little Mix actually come across as a viable Girl Group option in this advert. They look quite good and sound quite good. Thirdly, while there is a bit too much Craig and ReplacementAct for my liking, Marcus and Misha really do shine. I love that Marcus gets about 1 second to rock out to the guitar instrumental, and Misha looks stunning bringing the proceedings to a close. Plus everyone in the ad who is not in the X Factor seems to be having a great time (probably because they are paid to be but hey, who cares? I'm a sucker for things like this!) Hurrah it's Christmas and Marks & Spencers have done the Love, Actually of festive adverts. Mazel Tov! Now on with tonights show...

MOVIE WEEK!

Gah! I am never in for the x-factor this season so I am not twitter compatible and this makes my opinions irrelevant 12 hours later! Yet still I persist possibly out of a sense of commitment or a sense of narcissism, I haven't worked out which yet :D Tonight, I was at something called Eden Bar in Birmingham (very good) and Kendro of comedy X Factor Audition Fame were actually there! I brushed past one when they were waiting to go onstage. This is better than when Jon Pertwee told me to shut up (I was 9 at the time). They sang about Doing The Kendro and a verse & chorus of Born This Way. It was uniformly dreadful. Absolutely awful. Non-Blonde-Kendro got in a right strop when the few people in the crowd didn't scream and cheer. He shoved the mic back at the DJ (ooo, phallic, etc) and went "Thanks Birmingham, I drove all this way for you" before stomping off. It was better than Kitty singing Born This Way, Dermot's look of horror when she did so and Harry Hill saying on TV Burp "yes, and that's why you were voted off the show" put together. Amazing.

Anyway, it's Movie Night. Probably because they went to the Twig-Lit premiere. What this really means is "Pick Any Song & Then Wikipedia It To See If It Was In A Movie" Night. I do like the "starring the judges/acts" bit at the beginning though, even though poor Louis is left out. Like Kitty and Frankie in the M&S adverts!

Dermot enters. (me). (STOP!) With a dancey strut and some bond girls. His moves say "moves like jagger" but his eyes say "how has my career come to this"?! Luckily KellyNotClarkson is wearing something far more ridiculous than his dancing so attention is duly shifted. Phew, Dermot. PHEW!

• CRAIG ~ He is singing a Bond classic. It better be Sheena Easton's For Your Eyes Only or I will be in a right mood. Apparently his life is quite showbizzy now and is going to get even more showbizzy as Tulullah announces that all remaining acts will play to more people than she ever has on the X Factor Live Tour. GASP! I have actually never been. Usually because I'm plum worn out from blogging it for 4 months, so I need 8 months to recover. God knows how I'll cope with blogging the Voice early next year! Anyway, Craig is doing Licence To Kill. I always thought a cymbal sound was badly placed in the actual version of this so it sounded like Licence To Kilt. But that is neither here nor there is it? It's a perfectly competent version which isn't exactly a ringing endorsement. Why is he trying to do the growly noises? He comes across as less sexy, more Rowlf from the Muppets. He does seem alarmingly happy about his licence to kill, like Joe McElderry gurning his way through Somebody To Love 2 years ago. I'd sleep with one eye open if I were Marcus... Gary gets in a mood about people critiquing his song choice, because he has never done that in the past. Good gravy.
• JANET ~ I have now decided that Janet is in fact an evil genius like the kitty (not Kitty) in Cats & Dogs. She is already hinting that she will be the next Matt "Christmas" Cardle by suggesting the music on the x-factor isn't really her thing. Though I ponder her being an actual genius when she tries to be all humble and says "I can't believe people at the premiere were calling my name. How did they know my name?!" Come off it Janet, no one is that thick/naive. Words. Fail. Me. Oh no they don't because I'm carrying on. She is doing Kiss Me which is more famous from Dawson's Creek and then used in a movie. A) Her dress is hideous. B) Her dress is still hideous. C) The song should be about the joy of anticipation, the tingle and frisson of excitement of new love. Janet sings it as if she is asking her roommate/ordering a minion to go and get a pint of milk. Gary compliments the song choice. AMAZING!

• RETURNING-ACT: God, she sounds like Bea Arthur when she talks. I can't watch the VT as her & KellyNotClarkson annoy me far too much. So let's get on with the song. She does a song called Think, when if she wants to be Christina Aguilera (she does) she should have done Express from Burlesque. She's very shouty in parts, which always gets mistaken as powerful singing on this show. However, i 'think' (see what I did there, etc) that Think was quite good. She certainly Aguilera'd the stage. KellyNotClarkson looks like she could stab Louis for asking why she sent Returning-Act home. Baby Mama. Her arm pit bristles were shivering with indignant rage. (Note - Returning-Act has not perfected her phone number face... She's gone all Eoighan Quigg!)
• MISHA ~ love the Meesh. They played her Sweet Dreams after Kendro were on in Eden last night and people went crazy for it. The VT is all very sad and I do feel a bit sorry for her. KellyNotClarkson does some major empathising/manages to make it all about her. With the VT in mind, her choice of I Have Nothing seems a bit manipulative on the part of the producers/Kelly. Still it's a powerful, distinct performance that a) makes me wish she'd done Car Wash instead and b) makes me think her album should be ballad lite with a ballad bonus track at the end. Oh and c) I'm doing too many of these alphabetised lists, but I do agree with Gary that I want sassy Misha back...

• preFIX ~ I have never heard of Set It Off, but then I'm getting old. I google it (not "fondle" like my phone changes it to when i text my friend about it) and am not impressed with the result. However, The "Desperate for a Number One" Saturdays & Taylor "guns/Abs/glutes" Lautner endorse them so it's bound to be good. Oh it's actually an En Vogue song that was purloined later for the movie. I give in - it actually IS quite good. I really can't believe I'm coming around to preFIX. The dance moves at the end were embarrassingly shoddy though...
• MARCUS ~ Is he really singing Ghostbusters? Surely no one can out Jedward Jedward's version??! Marcus meets a famous Scouse singer. Sadly it's not SOnia but last year's runner up, Rebecca Ferguson. Oh. (Oh hush me, I do actually like her new single). Resplendent in Pink (no capital there, otherwise it looks like he is resplendent in the popstar Pink and that's a whole different show) he does a rousing, gleeful version of Higher and a jolly good time is had by me. And the audience I hope. VIVA MARCUS COLLINS AND HIS CHRIST LIKE POSE FINALE! Religious! (One note - Gary needs to stop doing his "wave the fart away" arms to encourage audience chanting.). IMMENSE.

THE RESULTS SHOW:

Last night, 6 acts sang their hearts out. According to bastion of accurate nonsensationalist journalism The Star, if Returning-Act sings one more song, she will go blind! So the group sing off should be interesting then :S

The judges come on. Apparently tie pins are making a come back. I am so not de-rigour.

• GROUP NO ~ Craig and Misha are dressed horribly and look like a really awkward first date. Like a young Michael Jackson and Lisa Marie. You can see Craig looking at Misha thinking, I wish you were Danyl/a biscuit. Marcus excels of course and hurrah! Returning-Act can still see. Thank the Lord. Panic over The Star! See, I can be nice. Janet Devil-in looks completely miserable to be there as always. GOOD GOD! Rhydian has really let himself go hasn't he? Oh wait, no it's master guitar licker and creator of Robin Hood:Prince of Thieves movie ballad (which wasn't performed) extraordinaire, Bryan Adams. Where the fuck is Mel C?! Anyway, the song is all very shouty. Bryan's advice of learn your craft and write your own songs is a bit of a juxtaposition as to what this show is all about isn't it??
• REBECCA ~ I think (from memory) I found Rebecca vocally competent last year but mind numbingly dull. Like Sophie Habibis. I do like the dance mix of her single, but we won't be lucky enough to get that tonight. The judges stand up for her performance when they clap, proving that an x-factor ovulation is compulsory for guest acts, not based on performance merit. Because despite her impressive pipes and ability to out-Adele Adele, Rebecca was entirely perfunctory.
• RIHANNA ~ I'm going to confess something shocking. I don't get/really like Rihanna. *GASP* So i go and empty the dishwasher while she is on. My phone goes wild, but it is mainly texts about that goon that almost mooned the camera while Dermot was doing that "natural" chat with the contestants schtick that is always death.
• RESULTS ~ YAY! Misha B is through, continuing the pattern of "bottom 2 acts from previous week going through first". preFIX are through. I have decided that last night they really weren't that great, they only got an En Vogue song because KellyNotClarkson had said the week before that they should be more like En Vogue and when I watched it back, the whole performance was based around such obviously pre-recorded vocals that it was taking the piss a bit. Still such audacity got One Direction to the final last year, so hey who knows! Marcus is through next (and he looks more and more like a hot, prequel version of Cat from Red Dwarf each week) and so is... WHA?!?! JANET DEVIL-IN. She is harder to get rid of than crabs. But I don't mind Returning-Act being in the bottom 2 though feel sad for Craig.
• THE SING OFF ~ Returning Act looks proper miserable while Gary looks like someone has punched him with a sign reading "BAD SONG CHOICE". Craig is first up with a nuanced, quite nice performance of Will You Love Me Tomorrow. His top is distractingly blousey though and he looks sadder than a lost puppy who has also lost a smaller, cuter puppy. His key change is nowhere near as good as Shayne Ward's Over The Rainbow key change. Dermot is uninterested in Craig's tears as these are only useful when there is air-time to fill. But Returning-Act must sing so he is unceremoniously ushered off stage. R-A sings Gaga's You & I. Which sounds like Gaga doing You & I. Except she tackles it with all the emotion and facial expression of a dime store mannequin, shouting into the breeze. This is what passes for talent these days on the x-factor I suppose :S Cue twitter hating Gary for calling Returning-Act shouty! Louis totally shafts Craig who he has supported for weeks until now and deadlock means Craig is on the 10.45 back to Liverpool...

WHAT WILL NEXT WEEK BRING?!?!?!