The X Factor ~ Live Shows: Week 9 (Motown/Songs To Get You To The Final)

Prior to the semi final (I love a good semi I do), in light of the horrifying news that Damien Rice's Cannonball is being fingered as the winner's single (& produced by Dappy? SHUDDER), I thought I would look at some alternatives that won't be the winner's single but show a darn sight more thought and consideration than has clearly been given to the process so far. That sentence was far far too long wasn't it?! Anyway, here are some thoughts that you may or may not agree with...

• MISHA B ~ although according to paddy power, she is the least likely of the 4 to be on the stage next week (bah, etc), she should still have a debut single that is completely sassy, catchy and not at all generic. So she should definitely get something akin to Little Jackie's saucy single 31 Flavours. It's funky, down n dirty and could probably have a kick ass rap in the middle of it. Brillo.
• MARCUS ~ he wants to be the new Bruno Mars forward slash Olly Murs (if it is Olly getting all rock n roll with the Muppets, not dubstep Olly), so why not give him something a bit blistering, a bit retro and a bit contemporary like the very good indeed, criminally ignored song by Jerry Reid called Out Without Your Boyfriend. It's a rollicking good time and Marcus would put on quite the performance...
• preFIX ~ If they are to win this competition despite their often mediocre performances, then they need a blistering song to launch their career. How about a relevant, up to date mix of the little known (in UK anyway) Play song, I Must Not Chase The Boys. It's cheeky, flirty, a bit of a wink at the audience and a massive chorus that could sound even more brilliant with the right production giving it a 2012 sheen...
• RETURNING-ACT ~ lets face it, it honestly doesn't really matter that much what song she gets, because she'll only bellow it forth with all the finesse of a steam roller. However, if she shows a bit of restraint, the current Swedish single from Molly Sanden has a nice x-factor winner vibe about it...

THE SEMI FINALS:

Hurrah! It's the x factor semi finals. I love a good semi I do, so lets hope it lives up to my expectations :) Lots of "previously" happens while Carmin Burina plays dramatically (is there any other way for it to play?)Dermot comes in shuffling away with his dancing girls and nearly takes someones eye out with his hip thrusting. He is, of course, followed by the judges. Tulullah (which comes up as revolting on autocorrect on my phone. Coincidence?) is far far too skinny, promotes her cat piss perfume with her arm and looks a bit drunk. Drowning her sorrows at the flop N-Dubz hits album maybe??

• MISHA ~ poor Misha B. I still blame her inexplicable lack of popularity on Tulullah. I am actually a bit devastated that I sit here preparing myself for a final that will actually feature shouting instead of her. Her "Dancing In The Street" has hot boys dancing, her hair looking amazing and some very weird, yet very hilarious "wiki wiki waka" ad lib at the end of the first line. She really can sing anything and make it sound entirely brilliant (though she should have sung Love Child).
• RETURNING-ACT: KellyNotMarieOrClarkson has clearly had some sort of mini "episode" and was totally unprepared for the camera. So unprofesh. I've popped my earplugs in in anticipation of RA shouting her way through Ain't No Mountain High Enough. As always, she remembers to tone it down at the start, but she's soon pumping up the volume like M/A/R/S/S. The gospel choir and dancers do make it quite exuberant though in spite of this. KellyNotMarieOrClarkson bellows her critique at RA ("uhhh,may,zzing") because no one knows how to talk in normal volumes around her any more. And is Louis going to mention the geography of every contestant's home town and suggest they deserve to be in the final? I think he is...

• preFIX ~ The wavering of likingness continues. I really think preFIX are more of a Reynolds Girl style act with better production values than a Girls Aloud style sensation. They do "You Keep Me Hanging On". They do look quite good this week so thank God the styling is being sorted. The vocals, however, are not brilliant. The dancing is very "count 1-2-3-4 in head, what's the next step, deer in headlights" panic style dancing. RedhairMix seems to mess up at one point and BlondehairMix overcompensates by over-emoting & shouting through the middle 8. The judges thought it was mediocre. They were right.
• MARCUS ~ Apparently Marcus hates his name. Look, luv, it's a better popstar name than David Sneddon (this doesn't detract from the fact that Best of Order was excellent). Apparently part two - Marcus always wanted to make a music video and this is something he didn't get to do when he replaced the skinny tall one from Eton Road. And apparently part three, Robbie Williams wears onesies these days. Good gravy. Marcus does My Girl dressed as if he is off for a barley malt with the still closeted football captain. It totally works for him though as does his almost but not quite flawless vocal and performance. When it's over Gary does his "wave my fart away" gesticulating at the already too rowdy audience to get them to cheer louder.

• MISHA ~ Misha is sitting down for a nice ballad version of Fucking Perfect by Pink, who was quite good last night when I went to see Happy Feet 2. This song was also on Glee this week and as Blaine (darren criss) sang it (with Kurt), it was very good on that because anything Darren Criss sings is gold. But I digress. Misha's version was lovely. It really focuses on her vocals and she gets to semi-rap in the semi-finals. The final few moments were absolutely gorgeous. The whole thing was mesmerising. I could hug Gary for his honest critique (well I could sometimes just hug Gary anyway :D) even though the truth of it is incredibly sad :(
• RETURNING-ACT ~ There is some weird eye thing behind Returning-Act that isn't quite as filthy as the flaming gash in Lord of the Rings but gets close. She has successfully Stars In Their Eyes'd KellyActualClarkson and Christina Aguilera so I exhibit no surprise when she adds Avril Lavigne to the list of people she impersonates on a weekly basis. Tulullah's cheeks are a bit flushed - possibly from the booze as she still looks pie eyed, possibly from gary making her feel 2 inches tall in his last critique. The DILF-y fella is on a roll this week as he once again calls RA shouty. Brilliant...
• MARCUS ~ What we need now from Marcus is a scintillating big production dance number. It's what we get but it is just ever so slightly off all the way through. Marcus descends from the heavens, is a bit wobbly vocally but soon picks it up (though low baritone notes aren't his friend) and has a good old boogie across the stage. It was a good performance, it wasn't an amazing performance and ergo boyband V can still claim they have done the best cover version of this song. Personally I would have changed the order of Marcus' songs (though what singing this first would have changed I don't know, so ignore my waffle).
• preFIX ~ Tulullah introduces her little baps by doing a really good impression of Returning Act, ie, shouty shout shouting. Their VT is really annoying - stop blubbing already and get on with the song. They do If I Were A Boy and Jessie looks like she's been drugged. Actually she looks really angry all the way through the song like she's gonna knife a mother. It's not amazing at all and indeed it's only ok at the best of times. Louis basically says it's shit. Gary says they are shit. Tulullah then has a massive nervy b and looks a right clown. GOOD LORD.

THE RESULTS SHOW:

Voice over man explains that it is the semi final and therefore we will find out who makes the final! That is BRAND NEW INFORMATION!! God, ITV really have low expectations of their audience don't they??! Tulullah looks 3 sheets to the wind again. I do quite like Gary's flowery brooch however. It reminds me of one my gam gam used to wear...

• GROUP NO ~ Oh sweet Christ, it's my beloved Wilson Phillips with my third fave song of theirs, Hold On. I half expect "bridesmaids - out now on blu-ray" to pop up on the screen. It's totally geared for Little Mix, but the trio of Marcus, Misha and yes, even shouty Returning Act show the groups wafer thin vocals up something rotten with their lovely harmonising. In your face Little Mix. Which is probably what Dappy shouted right before the pleasure moment when producing their winner's single. When the song is being sung quite well by Marcus, it occurs to me that Craig never sang a song that was by a male vocalist. Did he? He was like the reverse of the new Leann Rimes covers by men only album! It also occurs to me that if Returning Act had stayed in after week one that a) KellyNotMarieOrClarkson wouldn't have had to reinvent her support of her and retro-fit it into the show's history and b) she probably wouldn't have made it quite this far. Possibly. Or am I just having sweet dreams?
• THE BIEBS ~ I can't say I'm a Biebs fan (though that Baby song is infernally catchy, the most catchy Baby song since Amy Grant's Baby Baby and Halo James' Baby) but I'm very forgiving of Christmas music, especially when it sounds like I'm Yours by Jason Mraz. Surely it's the first Christmas song to feature "shawty"? JLS will be well jealous, though their bastardisation of Do You Hear What I Hear is annoyingly catchy. Bring back Christmas theme week I say - remember the ace Pop Idol 2 festive single and album?? "kiss me under the mistletoe" sings the Biebs. "YES" screams Louis...
• KELLYNOTCLARKSONORMARIE ~ I really like that Shake Them Haters Off single she did. Was it even released as a single or did I just imagine it? Not sure about this "medley" of hits, though she does have that vaguely amusing "trying far too hard" look in her eyes that used to befall Cherevyl Cole. NEXT...
• RESULTS ~ Get on with it already. Oh ffs, Little Mix and their paper thin vocals are through. At least Marcus is next. Misha looks like she totally knows, just like she has ever since she got shafted royally by Tulullah all those weeks ago. Yup, she knows. Well done Britain on putting through shouty and a piss weak group. I would give up, but i've come this far so i'll see it through to the bitter end... It's all about Marcus then. Now, when can I pre-order Misha B's album?