The Voice UK Recap: Blind Auditions ~ Episode 1

Ah The Voice finally makes the UK! And I'm not talking about the G4 cover version of the John Farnham 'classic' that they shoved on one of their "released on Mothers Day to maximum effect albums :) No, it's the much ballyhooed debut of the English version of the talent show competition that's been taking the world by storm. In the US of A, it's become massive in it's second season (followed by ace broadway musical drama Smash, which had me hoping the Beeb would re-launch Britannia High after this but it wasn't to be) and on that version I'm firmly team Pip and team Chris, but we'll have to see what happens there. For now, I'm all about the UK version and hoping that it's as fun & exciting as The X Factor to blog. I worry that it might be a bit too serious, and lack the camp ludicrous that makes all the X Factor's foibles so easy to take. I'll give it a go anyway...

And so it begins. There are four chairs. Some pensioner tells us that it's all about The Voice. Ooo, it's not just any old pensioner - it's Tom Jones. He probably got here on his free bus pass. Titter. Holly Willobooby and Reggie Yates voiceovers tell us that the judges are four of the most influential people in pop. Hmmm. Here is who they really are...

• William ~ I refuse to give him the dots. Part of the Black Eyed Peas obviously. I might prefer the William from the Black Eyed Peas tribute act in Benidorm.
• Jessie J ~ Wrote Party In The USA for Miley Cyrus, which still remains her best pop musical moment, although Price Tag is quite pretty. Owns wickedly straight fringe and prone to breaking her leg. Will probably remind us that she's been number one this year with Domino...
• Tom Jones ~ is the only reason my mom is watching. What's new pussycat?
• Danny from The Script ~ *allegedly* the judging position offered to Will Young before the Beeb changed their minds and opted for Danny Script. I love Will Young, so am sad about that. Danny is a bit sexy though...

So now you know who everyone is let's get on with the show, shall we...?

GROUP NUMBER ~ To completely differentiate from The X Factor, the judges start by performing together in a group number. It's I Gotta Feeling, a song I absolutely loathe and despise. How annoying. And how egotistical of William No Dots to force one of his own tunes onto everyone. This is actually worse than when Hold On by Wilson of the Phillips was foisted onto the X Factor finalists in an effort to capitalise on Bridesmaids mania and to make Little Mix sound good. It failed. Ah, it's over and now the camera dude can stop focusing on the 8 people in the audience who were instructed to jump up and down...

THE RULES ~ "select individuals" were invited to apply. This puts a whole new spin on things. This means in theory everyone should be good, so I'll have to rely on Britain's Got Talent to get my crap audition fix. Basically, people come on and sing. The judges have their backs to them and only spin round if they want them in their category. If more than one does a Wonder Woman style spin, then the power goes to the auditionee to pick the mentor they want. It's like a cross between The Susan Boyle Story and Take Me Out. Works for me. Let's get on with the auditions...

• JESSICA ~ The platitudes begin already. "She wants to switch her teenage dreams for popstar reality". Um ok then. She has a bigger tv in her bedroom than I have in my living room. Please don't judge me for this - judge her! That's what she is here for :D People scream and clap as she takes the stage before she even sings, which is a bit over enthusiastic. It needs to be more like Stars In Their Eyes, when people would only clap once they worked out what the song was. She does a nice acoustic version of Price Tag and does sound quite good. William No Dots spins around first and is not pleased when Jessie and Danny follow suit. Tom joins in last, but judging by my parents it is natural for pensioners to be a bit behind. I hope Jessica has a better attitude than Cher "I will knife you if you are not my fan" Lloyd. Jessie J is very insightful in her critique - for example she points out that Jessica is a female. This is very helpful for all the blind people at home. I'm not sure what else happens because I am too busy dribbling over Danny. Have some decorum me. She goes with Jessie. It's Cheryl/Cher all over again...
• SEAN FROM 5IVE ~ It's Sean from 5ive! He was the one who was a cardboard cutout at the launch of their third album which effectively killed their career. He wanted to find himself so he left. If he wants to find himself during The Voice does that mean someone will be mentoring a cardboard cutout?? Jessie is fingering her button (OOER MISSUS) but resists. OK, this is more tense than a blackout on Take Me Out as nobody spins around. It's a tiny bit sad - he seems like a nice chap and he was better than some X Factor finalists. At least he has a hot girlfriend...
• SAMUEL ~ from my home town of Brum. I like him because he is quite witty and self deprecating and has an amazing quiff. He also has some nice eye wear, which I'm currently looking out for as papa needs a new pair of specs himself. No instrument for Sam (presumably because it's ALL ABOUT THE VOICE). Oh how presumptuous of me to call him Sam. He's doing Adele's Fire To The Rain. Tom spins but then has this "oh shit" look on his face. Or is having a stroke. He's stuck with Samuel now and I sense The Voice will be a better place because of it. He. Is. Fabulous.

• TONI ~ That's a very busy headscarf and I just know that there is going to be a story to accompany it which will be designed to make me feel guilty for pointing it out. *HRNK* Sob story alert. I don't feel the need to go into the whys and ways of her story because it should be about THE VOICE. The cheers do come in a bit later for her as she sings Leaves Right Now. Bit of a kick in the knickers for almost judge William Young. Everyone except William No Dots turns around at the very last minute. OH THE TENSION. Toni tells her story (again) and Jessie J dabs her eyes. Which are completely dry. The fake tear wins and Jessie gets act number two for her category. Meh. Next. I said I wouldn't cry, says Jessie. AND SHE DIDN'T...
• AUNDRA ~ She looks like a fierce contestant from RuPaul's Drag Race. Or at the very least Drag U. Her hair reminds me of a raspberry pavlova that has sat in the fridge for too long. She sings and Jessie J wants to "push it". Push it real good no doubt. But enough Salt n Pepa, back to Andra Chansen doing a bit of Crazy. She's a bit shouty for my liking and doesn't get me spinning around in my chair. Good job really because I've got a cup of coffee in my hands. Tom spins around, but no one else can be bothered. Andra Chansen says she is fabulous. She is not as fabulous as Samuel and that is a fact. She is just a bit overstimulated. I feel like rolling up a newspaper and gently biffing her on the nose...
• ADAM ~ Gosh he's very tall isn't he? He's also got very boy band hair for an indie guitarist. He's doing Maybe Tomorrow. I think Tom has misjudged the competition rules and just spins around for everyone. "That was a great performance" says non-spinner Danny. Yes, just not good enough to turn around for. Like his performance, Adam is just a little bit dull. Nice voice though...

• MAX (& TWINNIELEE) ~ They are together but mercifully not performing together. Max is scruffily cute in his own adorable way and Twin is portrayed as ditching him in a second if she gets through, though he is seen as loyal to the end. Hey you have to give them the soundbites to make them happen. His song is Lose Yourself *mashed* (more medley-ed than mashed but i'll let it go) together with Come Together. Right Now. Over me. (ETC!) William No Dots and Danny both turn round. He should totally go Team Danny. Not only will Danny have a better idea of how to mold him, but it will be a visual horn fest waiting to happen. A cat fight ensues, but it's Team Danny all the way and I'm genuinely excited about this pairing. Hurrah. Next up is Twins who is doing The Climb, which was a bad choice of song for Joe McElderry and even worse here. No one turns around, but she still gets to go home and do bad things with Max, so it's not all doom and gloom is it?
• BEN ~ BOW TIE ALERT!! These will soon be as old as shirt and waistcoat look (see next contestant). Ben is apparently a youtube sensation. He chooses to do Rocket Man which gets William No Dots and Danny spinning around (get out of their way, i know you feel it if you like it like this) almost instantly. As soon as he has an audience, Ben starts doing weird hand movements which are quite distracting. Perhaps though that is what got him a million youtube hits. He's not really connecting with me, though he does get Jessie J to give her button head. How marvelous. The judges get into another bitch fest with name dropping and boasting ahoy. Their egos are bigger than Ben's quiff. He picks team JJ and William No Dots has now been turned down more times than Gracie on Take Me Out...He. Is. Fuming. Inside. HIFI.
• PHIL ~ Ah bless Phil. He's bought his nan along. He's a delivery driver. He looks like he needs a good wash, though on the other hand he does have silky shiny locks worthy of a L'Oreal advert. Because he's worth it too. He does Train Drops Of Jupiter (their new song is actually quite good). Danny won't turn round because he toured with Train and he will say it's not as good. Mark my words. William No Dots is very annoying and egging Danny on to turn around. No one turns round and Nan is quite upset. Danny says he didn't turn around because it wasn't as good as Train who he toured with. SEE!!?!?! The judges are all very polite in their critique and you can see Phil's heart break...
• J-MARIE ~ YAY! Already love her. I think she's stunning visually and vocally. She does Jessie J's Mama Knows Best (ooo I bet she'd do a lovely Spice Girls Mama too) and she motherfucking knocks it out of the motherfucking studio. Or in polite circles, she was very very good indeed. Full of passion, energy, vocal control and dynamic with it to boot. Quite rightly all four judges spin around. Amaze. She calls Jessie J insane! Amaze part two the sequel! LOVE IT. And it's off the starting blocks for team William No Dots!!

So see you next week? Currently, I'm team Samuel, team Max and team J-Marie... what about you??