- HESHIMA ~ He's done loads of TV so basically he's the Willam (RuPaul's Drag Race) of The Voice - ie, he can name drop, he has a strong man jaw and is struggling to keep his massive ego in check. Word. He's got a nice soulful voice going for him though frankly he loses me on some of the more uptempo moments of Dynamite. All the judges spin around. "Danny and Tom have turned round" says Reggie for the visually impaired at home in the most obvious statement since Joanie and Chachee fill the tiny tv screen for about 10 seconds in the diner on Grease and then the mega permed waitress says "oh look, it's Joanie. And chachee" Get your prescription lenses checked darling!! Grife. Writing that made me miss most of the judges comments though I'm pretty sure WilliamNoDots is really annoying. Heshi (can i call him Heshi) chooses him anyway. Grife part 2 the sequel.
- BARBARA ~ I do feel like I'm in RuPaul's Drage Race as Barbara is the spitting image of a drag queen called Sheila Manchu. She's channelling Stars In Your Eyes realness with a Shirley Bassey inspired version of the Susan Boyle take on Wild Horses. Which is appropriate for the 47 year old gran. Tom spins round while the others titter about not wanting her. I think. Team Tom indeed. TV makes her look like the broad in Bette Midler's Otto Titsling. All of these visual references are indeed compliments, Barbara...
- KERRY ~ Oh my giddy auntie. It's only freaking Kerry Ellis who is way too big for this show. She's done Wicked for crying out God's sake. She nailed Defying Gravity on a nightly basis - I adore her. Kerry hopes that someone turns around. AND SO DO I. She does a sassy Son Of A Preacher Man and NO ONE TURNS AROUND. I am sad for her. All the judges loved her prompting an almost Glinda-esque "so why didn't you turn around" from Kerry. 'I wished I'd pressed my button' is now the new 'it's not you, it's me'. It was them. Fools...
- DAVID ~ David is a shelf stacker who has actually quit his job for his. Surely he could've just taken annual leave to see if it worked out first? Silly billy. And in this economy! Anyway, he's doing a Script song and just like Heshima, Danny turns around milliseconds after WilliamNoDots. The whole performance was all a bit just 'there' for me, but what do I know?! Tom says he didn't push the button because he thought David was a girl! The RuPaul's Drag Race themed edition of The Voice continues... David picks Danny and toddles off to impersonate Matt Cardle for a few weeks before live shows begin. (Is there any money in actually being Matt Cardle, let alone impersonating him??)
- VINCE KIDD ~ Apparently he has a unique style but it's the type of style the clothing people in movies use to create a unique style on screen if you know what i mean... I do sort of quite like his alternative Prince-esque take on Madge's Like A Virgin. His deep notes make Jessie's split whisker quiver so she's soon spinning around just after Danny. WilliamNoDots follows with Tom, Sir Tom being last. Vince gets a bit emotional which I like. He's the British Sharon Needles. Danny pleads for him to pick him, choose him, love him (sorry, went all Meredith Grey season 1 Grey's Anatomy there) and Vince Kidd is all "i respeck that Danny and I'm going with Jessie J". BRILLIANT.
- SHANSEL ~ She's seven'een and she don't need no T's in her grammer. They are just unnecessary. She ain't no posh and wot comes out her gob ain't what people eggspeck from er. Oh she's opera. Not Oprah as I mistakenly wrote on my note pad. It's lovely, but what do you do with opera every week when you have the sing off stages. She'd honestly have been better on Britain's Got Talent. No one turns around and she explains that she learnt opera by taking the piss out of Katherine Jenkins. This obviously makes me now quite like her a lot. I'm not sure Katherine Jenkins will feel the same. WilliamNoDots is gutted he didn't button it. (A little montage follows of more no spins - it's not you, it's me, etc)...
- NOT-VINCE KIDD ~ He's the other Vince; a grizzled club-pub type singer and does one of my least favourite songs ever (Sex On Fire). I mean it's up there with other least faves like BEP's I Gotta Feeling, Cher's Believe (people always look at me like I've kicked a puppy when I tell them this) and Rihanna's We Found Love. Tom hovvers over his button (not a euphemism) but it's Danny who presses. I'm not sure how thrilled he is really, especially when he sees he's performing barefoot and has manky toes...
- ALEKS ~ I like that his name is spelt more like Daleks than Perspex. I'm worried that he's this year's Frankie Cocozza cleaned up for the lince fee paying audience. He does a quite lovely version of I'm Yours (with very clean vocals) which gets WilliamNoDots spinning around (move out of his way) instantly. Danny follows and Aleks' nan is practically apoplectic. Alex is apparently dazed (he is only 17, a kicked out of school bad boy and now a life guard so this probably ranks quite high in terms of positive life experiences) so flirts (badly) with Jessie, tells WilliamNoDots he is too rap (the c is silent), has the audience screaming oh get on with it and eventually and wisely chooses Danny.
- FRANCIS ~ I know I've spelt her name wrong, but I prefer my spelling. She's this years Janet Devlin but northerned up with a bobble hat for the licence fee paying audience. She does Where Is The Love and is more Cher "Evil" Lloyd than Janet which is probably why NoDots spins around at the very last minutes and blathers on about her adding her own flavour. But not swagger. Team No Dots it is then! Moving on... (by Bananarama)
- MATT & SUE-LEEN ~ Dear god, a duo, a twosome, so many lyrics they're fighting to use em. Thank god it's not based on the look eh? However, they may win me over with their off kilter cover of Beautiful South's A Little Time. Good song choice, weird harmonies at times but it gets Tom turning round and the budget Magic Numbers entice Jessie also at the very last second. They base their decision on a coin toss - A COIN TOSS - and no one looks impressed. Jessie looks relieved that they are firmly Team Tom. A COIN TOSS. Oh my stars and garters...
- HOLLY ~ but not the Ivy. She's come as a deceased crow, which reminds me of Raven's box in the mini challenge from season 2 of yes, you've guessed it RuPaul's Drag Race. She has worked her way through the showbiz industry. IN DEVON. She does "You Need Me, I Don't Need You" so it's ironic that none of the judges turn around. If this was the X Factor they would be all over her like Gary Barlow on a pie in the late 90s. The judges discuss how limited her range is while she is singing and they are not turning rounding and she scurries off to the x factor auditions tout de suite!
- DENISE FROM FIVE STAR!!! ~ SCREAM! It's Denise from Five Star. Love Five Star. I still know all the dance moves to The Slightest Touch. Though for years I weirdly did think it was called The Midas Touch, much the same way I thought System Addict was called Sister Mattic and was about a nun. What am i like, eh? Anyhoos she does a feisty and confident Fighter and if no one turns around I'll shit a brick. Not literally because that would be repugnant. Thankfully Tom, Sir Tom pounds his big red knob for her and sh'es through! Only a couple of years til a Five Star reunion album and tour then. The Steps of the 80s will rise again. PREACH!
- DAVID ~ Look at him ram those nails in in the VT, etc (worst innuendo ever)... He's doing Olly Murs version of Superstitious and ain't nothing wrong with that as it's a jolly good time. It gets Danny's attention followed by all three of the others. Is David's this week's J_Marie save the best for last magic? He is quite bonza in his own way though looks utterly bored with the judges vying for him - perhaps he's just a little overwhelmed. He goes with Jessie J much the same way a parent would buy their 17 year old daughter a One Direction cd if that makes any sense (it does to me)!
Top 21 songs of the week:
21 ~ Eric Saade, Love is Calling
20 ~ fun, Some Nights
19 ~ William Young, Losing Myself
18 ~ JLS, Proud
17 ~ Little Jackie, 31 Flavours
16 ~ fun, We Are Young
15 ~ Olly Murs, Oh My Goodness
14 ~ Chantal Claret, Pop Pop Bang Bang (VIDEO)
13 ~ Simon Curtis, Starlight
12 ~ Alphabeat, Vacation
11 ~ Marina & The Diamonds, Primadonna
10 ~ Gravitonas, Call Your Name
09 ~ Madonna, Give Me All Your Luvin'
08 ~ Marie Serneholt, Salt & Pepper
07 ~ Darin, Nobody Knows
06 ~ Smash, Let Me Be Your Star
05 ~ Madonna, Girl Gone Wild
04 ~ Nicki Minaj, Starships
03 ~ Stooshe, Love Me
02 ~ Carly Rae Jepsen, Call Me Maybe
01 ~ Danny, Amazing (3 weeks)
Yay, Voice UK write up is up.
ReplyDeleteYou’re going to hate me, but I am being won over by Will*i^am. His cheeky grin, and “rivalry” with Danny are just too cute. Danny is great, though I kinda want to wax his chest. But that’s probably just me.
Vince Kidd was great, though his emotional bit just came across as a bit weird. I think that Tom was SUPER relieved not to get him.
Shansel was ok, but I do want to give a big hug/slap to the producer that decided to put Sarah Brightman’s “Time To Say Goodbye” as her going away song after the judges didn’t turn around. Like Abba, I didn’t know if I should laugh or cry.
I am enjoying the editing on the show, as the judges sometimes turn around and you know when Danny is like “OH SHITE! What the F have I done?” As he suddenly gets SUPER into the performance hoping to goad someone else into turning around as well.
For a second I thought X-Factor Sami Brooks was back when Siobhan Stott performed.
Francis was dressed like a Fraggle. That is all.