The X Factor ~ Live Shows (Week 2 - Songs of Love & Heartbreak)

Well, only a week has passed since Louis Walsh proved himself to be the most dithering old woman in pop - he was worse than my mom trying to decide whether to have a jaffa cake or a macaroon. Carolynne went home, Gary was incensed, Louis' Hair hadn't moved and the producers sat rubbing their hands as the controversy (scripted) took up inches and inches of newspaper column space. Win! So start dialling before the acts have even sung mes amies because it's time for another go round with the loosey goosey theme of songs of love and heartbreak (plea: NO ADELE. NO EMELI) As you were then...

• INTRO ~ Ooo they are milking this controversy of Carolynne going home for all it is worth. "Get that camera out of my face" whines Gary, delivering his pre-rehearsed lines with stunning accuracy! You storm out, Gary!! Oh such drama. Can we just get on with the show please? Oh it has - Dermot informs that our saturday night starts right here, though mine started a couple of hours ago with a slice of lovely white chocolate & malteser cheesecake. The judges come on - wouldn't it be ace if Louis and Gary were holding hands?? They are not. Dermot decides that we absolutely have to have a chat about the malarky from last week. We get to see video shots of NotRhydian having a little sniffle going "i've got to walk". Well don't just talk, do!! Louis & Gary shake hands. I shed a little tear. It's all so emotional isn't it (what you can't hear is my voice dripping with sarcasm. I mean, it's literally sodden with the stuff)...
• JAHMENE ~ Closed the show last week, opens it this week. They are really gunning for him to win. Yoko Ono has tweeted Jar (as I call him) to tell him that his version of Imagine was tres bien indeed. Nicole probes Jar about whether he has had a bird or not because she worries he won't be able to relate to love. How utterly patronising she can be. Brian Freidman tries to get Jar to dry hump the microphone, like a dog mounting your granny's leg. And this is all before he has sung a note. He decides to sing a bit of Amy Winehouse mixed (not mashed) with Ain't No Mountain High Enough. Nicole decides it is a wedding and gets up to dance like a ninny. To be fair, Jar is dressed like a 70s wedding singer, channelling some Johnny T with a white suit that doesn't quite match. It was all very nice indeed, he has a good voice. Louis goes a bit over the top with the hyperbole saying he is one of his favourite ever contestants. I mean, please. Has he forgotten Same Difference?? The Lizziah breaks all the golden rules of X Factor and says it is all about The Voice. Surely that's on the other channel??!
• CHRISTOPHER MALONEY ~ Is anyone else just a little nauseous over NotDannii's cougaring of Jar?? SHUDDER! Anyway, onto NervyB-Chris. He's a mother's day album artist isn't he? Will sell ok numbers of a covers album when it's Mother's Day but not much else. And that is if he is lucky. Tonight he is at a bar with a foxy barman behind him shaking up a martini (the bartender that is, Christopher is karaoking the hell out of Heart's Alone). Surely there is a cruise ship with his name on? He's not really an X Factor serious contender... Now let's get back to that barman :) Anyway, perhaps I'm being a bit harsh as his voice is certainly quite powerful - he just needs to stop all this disbelief nonsense, shaking with amazement at his own achievements. You're here, get over it. NotDannii wants to gobble on his cheeseburger (surely a euphemism) or something. She is one horny bitch tonight! Hurrah for Louis for pointing out that it is all a bit cabaret. LouisHair is giving him all sorts of bold. "There's no need to make it current" says Gary. Words that will surely haunt him for the rest of the show...
• UNION J ~ They had a nice chat with One Direction, probably asking how they get to shag one of Little Mix. In a genius moment, just seconds after Gary has said "there 's no need to make it current", they show a flashback of Gary accusing Union J of being dated. Oh Gary. I really want Union J to be good this week. Don't let me down fellas. They are doing a bit of Bleeding Love and Singer2 has been made up to look like Justin Beiber. The stage setting is all very Christmas Boy Band Single so I totally approve. Oh now they've gone into Broken Strings. It's a not mash up medley! It's a lot better than last week, but just lacked that moment of euphoria that's needed on the show. However, I really do like them so I'm thinking that they will get better each week. GarySmugNod has to get in there that his act Kye helped them choose the song. He really is full to the brim with his own self satisfaction...
• ELLA ~ we love Ella. And by "we", I mean me. And probably lots of other people, but I don't want to be presumptuous and speak on their behalf. That's what twitter is for. Apparently Ella is tonsil tennising with George. Oh young love. Ella gets some love advice for The Lizziah which probably was "don't do a fellatio technique video". Sound words. Ella sings Loving You. Ooo if she gets that note right, she may be guaranteed a place in the final. Oh she did it. It wasn't as brilliant as I hoped it would be (or rather it didn't have the impact on me that I hoped it would). It just made me want to listen to All In Your Mind by Mariah. Weirdly and somehow, her "la-la-la-la-las" sound oddly contemporary against such a classic, vintage song. But then again, there's no need to make it current. (I'm slightly aroused when GarySmugNod talks about F Sharp Descending. RAR!!)

• JAMESARTHUR (ALL ONE WORD) ~ Terrifying JamesArthur takes us to his pub, where there is a fox with a bird in it's mouth. How lovely. That is what Saturday night light entertainment is all about. I can barely hear a word he is mumbling to whoever he is having a drink with. ENNUNCIATE. He has a little chat with Mary J Blige (as you do) who gives him some words of wisdom, which basically break down to ENNUNCIATE. And don't just use a monotone. He sings with such intensity that it manifests it as a tick in his right hand which seems to be acting independently from the rest of his body. He continues his rip-my-clothes-off-like-they-are-burning-me style dancing. Bloody hell - lighten up, do a bit of Too Many Broken Hearts by JaseDon (all one word). The judges clearly get something in JamesArthur that I don't. Oh well. Onto the next then...
• LUCY ~ Well I can't write anything slightly negative about Lucy this week because her nan died. But Lucy does say she wants to be judged on her performance, so I'm going to be a professional about this and do just that. Perhaps Lucy will express her feelings through her own words rather than through covers like other people (still annoyed)! Nope, this week she's doing Gold Digga by Kanye. Oh damn it. I quite like it. I hate having my mind changed :D And she actually looks like she's having a brilliant time singing it. I mean, it's joyous to watch. This is what I wanted from Lucy, not this smugness about how she writes her own songs. She can do that after the show. Tone that Lucy down, amp up this side of Lucy please. (Loving that there is no attempt to tone down Lucy enjoying the booty popping girls. Aces)
• DISTRICT 3 ~ Worst boyband name ever (well not ever, but worst boyband name on this week's show). LouisHair wants them to do a big ballad but GMD3 want to do a bit of Justin Beiber with One Direction. They are not happy with doing LouisHair's song. Which means they will probably be in the bottom two tomorrow night and can blame it on the song choice. Ooo, I love how they set these things up so brilliantly. They are doing I Swear (because frankly there is no need to make it current). It shows how good their vocals are - though why they are dressed like the broadway cast of Newsies is beyond me. GMD3's problem is that they don't fit with the current boyband model - they are more of a nostalgia kick and this doesn't help them at all and that VT has just added to the fact that they have been set up to fail. Oh dear :( Gary is as disappointed as I am. "Are you deaf" screams LouisHair. He clearly is because he doesn't answer...Nicole goes all sexy and cougar again talking about rubbing baby oil all over her. I feel queasy all over again.
• JADE ELLIS (TWO WORDS) ~ Jade Ellis is a mom. She does a school run. If only they had pointed this out earlier in the series. You think an important fact like this would be a focal point for the X Factor. I mean, she's a mom! A MOM!! Anyway, Jade Ellis Two Words is singing amidst the dry ice (don't put it in your cocktails, it will burn your stomach) and being very serious and intense but not in a murderous JamesArthurOneWord way. She is the lady JamesArthur. Anyway, she instructs us very slowly that Love Is A Losing Game. It's technically very good and I suppose, meant to be mesmerising. I just found it all a bit boring. I confess that I forwarded to the judges comments. They of course all liked her. Nicole is clearly bonkers. I mean, more than one sandwich short of a picnic - there are no sandwiches at all in her hamper...

• MK1 ~ oh. I actually genuinely forgot that MK1 were in the competition. Apparently they bring energy. So does red bull but they don't get to take the stage. This week they are doing a "unique" version of Jackson 5's I Want You Back. It's about as street as Big Fun's Blame It On The Boogie. Plus it looks like they are on the set of Mel & Kim's Respectable. But of course, there's no need to make it current!! Oh I am loving that quote this week. LIVING FOR IT. Weirdly, I could see this in the charts though. Which may be more of a statement on the state of the charts than the quality of the single. "it's gone a little bit too glee for me this week" says GarySmugNod. Nicole just spouts something totally looney. Like a loon on loon tablets at a loon convention. Looney!!
• KYE ~ He's got very piercing eyes hasn't he? GarySmugNod says it's his job as a mentor to support his decisions. That's not strictly true - it's also to steer him away from horrific decisions. I personally would have steered Kye away from the falsetto - it's not his strongest feature. He does a medley of Rihanna and Dido which most certainly not a mash up despite what the X Factor You Tube channel would have you believe. Nicole calls it a mash up but it's forgiveable because she is so highly medicated, she still thinks she's on the US show. Gary did not does his mentoring job properly this week - perhaps because he made it too current rather than sticking to the there is no need to be current mantra...
• RYLAN ~ sheesh. Lots about last week. More Rylan crying. He snots all over Nicole's back. It's probably not the first time she's had a sticky residue dripping down there. Brian Freidman has to point out that half the dancers will be dressed as Anna Wintour and the other half as Karl HalfALager because no one will know otherwise. He's doing a bit of a Take That intro (as a joke. Hilarious. I can't stop laughing. More dripping sarcasm. I'm covered in it tonight) and actually does Groove Is In The Heart with a bit of Gangnam Style and Technotronic. None of which have anything to do with love and heartbreak. It's all actually totally horrific. Beyond horrific. Is it so bad that it's good? This may be the most appalling thing X Factor has ever shown - or at least since that Wagner fella. I mean JESUS CHRIST. I'm genuinely mortified (yet annoying rather thrilled to at least have a bit of Technotronic on the X Factor. Oh I'm awash with conflicting emotions). Nicole is more off her rocker than ever if she thinks will cut it moving forward...
• MELANIE ~ They show one of the notes from last week and it reminds me of that "whooooooooa body form. Body form for you" commercials. They were ace weren't they. Now it's all just "Because we're worth it" which just doesn't have the same ring to it. Anyway, back to Mels. She does Never Tear It Apart. Firstly, what the fuss have they done to her look? She looks like Beverley Callard with a nasty yeast infection. Secondly, she's very shouty at points which I absolutely hate. Thirdly, this is not as good as it should be. Gary should have spent more of this week concentrating on giving his acts outstanding songs that they excel at rather than stomping around in a huff. So essentially this is all rylan's fault. He needs to leave. See you tomorrow :)