The X Factor ~ Live Shows (Week Two - The Results)

Hurrah and huzzah to you my X Factor watching chums. It's the second of numerous results show this very Autumn and no doubt Dermot will come out doing some sultry mamba or something. Oh. He doesn't. Instead he pretends to play golf with an imaginary umbrella, ella, ella. Maybe this is a subliminal way to get the voters to vote for Ella. I like her because she manages to be vocally powerful without shouting. Jus' saying. Anyway Dermot is very excitable this evening, mostly because he knows nothing will match the staged drama of last week. He's like a puppy with a new chew toy. Bless, etc. He brings on the judges - I must say that The Lizziah looks like a frumpy old curtain next to the elegant but clinically insane Nicole... Anyway - here are the high/low lights of what went down in the show...

• GROUP NUMBER ~ Kye starts it all off with some rather dodgy notes & a look in his eyes that says, I know my notes are dodgy and I don't know how to get out of this now. It is a look that is a cross between a deer caught in the headlights and a deer caught doing something else - I'm not sure what. Use your imagination. Must I do all the work around here??! GMD3 look happy just to be singing something contemporary but lets not forget - there's no need to be current! Lucy looks confused and Jar looks like he just shat his suit pants. Neither is a good look. Ella emerges as the star of the ensemble piece...
• REBECCA FERGUSON ~ Loving the cat suit. Loving the new song. Loving the foxy male backing dancers. Rebecca has genuinely turned into a world class, timeless, classic pop act. Contestants take note. This is how building an enduring career should be done. Dermot asks about single/album/tour (well he tells her more than asks). He's so deep. God I hope he's deep :D
• TAYLOR SWIFT ~ Thank God she's singing We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together. I was worried she'd sing one of the other rush released album tracks that are hanging around the lower regions of the charts. These are from her forthcoming album & if you need more info, I'm sure Dermot will be asking in a minute. Loving the high school, colourful dance off. She's like a really perky Alanis circa Jagged Little Pill...
• THE VOTE ~ OOnce again, if Rylan is through he'll be first and Gary will have an actual coniption fit. The former failed Big Brother 2012 auditionee ("I don't wanna be a joke act, innit") is wearing a t-shirt saying "Leave The Boy Alone". Yes yes it IS time that we laid off Louis and his dithering. Although not announced first (damn you X Factor), the annoying twonk is actually through. He breaks down and cries, as you do. Imagine interviewing him. "Hi Rylan - so tell us about your goddawful debut single "I Suck But I Don't Care"?" "Well Lozza" (cos it's Lorraine Kelly) "Boo hoo hoo hoo, sniffle, boo hoo hoo hoo", etc. You get my drift. Jesus no! It's GMD3 and Melanie Shouty in the bottom 2. Gary looks constipated...
• SING OFF ~ I had high hopes (high hopes, high apple pie in the sky hopes. Oh come on. Sing it with me) for both these acts. Why GMD3 now continue to court the nostalgia market (oh yeah, because there's no need to be current!!) with (an admittedly beautiful harmonised verion of) Everything I Do ( I Do It For You) is beyond me. They have such great voices. They should have sang that Vanquish boy band medley I wrote about a few weeks ago. Melanie belts out Stay With Me Baby. It's so loud and shouty in parts that I have to have an ibuprofen mixed with co-codamol.
• JUDGES CHOICE ~ Derm wisely goes to Louis first to allow maximum dithering time but of course the doddering old fool choses to save his own act and emphatically (and somewhat proudly - as if to make up for last week) announces that he is sending Melanie home. Extra points just for getting her name right! The Lizziah follows suit, Gary sends GMD3 home and Nicole's Tablets force her to waffle on incessantly for ages before sending it to deadlock. It's Melanie going home. Gary will be in a right mood next week. More contemporary next week GMD3 please. THERE IS SOME NEED TO BE A LITTLE BIT CURRENT...