Video Analysis: Lady Gaga ~ Applause

I do enjoy doing a video analysis. Partly because I get to type the word analysis and it makes me titter because it starts off with anal. Also it really forces me to pay attention to the video in ways I never did before and there's always something amusing to point out, even in the most dour, serious of music clips. However, I've never done a Lady Gaga video clip before. This is because they are usually really long and these things do take quite a bit of time to put together you know ;) Seeing as Applause is likely to dominate the pop world for the next 24 hours or so, I thought I would spend some time with La Video and give you my thoughts. Aren't you lucky?! So grab yourself a nice kit kat, or maybe some ferrero rocher if you are feeling posh and settle down for some obvservations on Britain's number 5 single (random thought: Burn by Ellie Goulding really is very good isn't it?!):

• It starts off with some very nice joined up handwriting announcing that this clip is Lady Gaga and her song is Applause. This is obviously for people who have stumbled across the video by mistake and aren't sure who is about to sing. In the background are some nice theatrical stage curtains. People do tend to clap when these open and close don't they, so they are a good visual representation of Applause.
• Oh my gosh, so much happens in the first 10 seconds that I almost had a seizure. Don't worry everyone, I'm OK. I had some Kalms and feel a bit better now. Lots of images of Lady Gaga in various poses appear. She is an angel on a podium. A high heel wearing kick boxer having a few minutes breather on a crash mat. She's actually touching herself up quite a bit on the crash mat, which is a bit disturbing. Especially if it's in the school gym...
• (Though, little tip sex fans. A crash mat can be a handy addition to the bedroom if you like your nookie a bit active and raucous).
• At 13 seconds she spins around with a rather scary look on her face. Perhaps she just saw Perez Hilton. For some reason she totally reminded me of Bellatrix Lestrange. Mothers around Britain will be screaming "Not my daughter you bitch" :D
• 14s (blimey this is going to take some time isn't it?!) Lady Gaga is in a top hat. Repeat. Lady Gaga is in a top hat. From a distance she looks a bit like Judith Light after she got thrown down the stairs in the updated Dallas. This must be a very tiny, shrunk Lady Gaga because the top hat has her name in it and it is clearly for much bigger head. And bigger head is always better head :D
• Shortly after this occurence, Lady Gaga is wearing an airbag. Perhaps she is at high risk of having a crash and wants to be protected. Prevention is often less expense than reaction so this is just good lifestyle management really. She is an inspiration to us all :) *Rushes out to buy own personal airbag*
• Crazy Face Judith Light Gaga is still whirling and twirling around like she was in that facility they sent Mona to in Pretty Little Liars. I think she is pretending to be the Tasmanian Devil or something. Meanwhile, Cat Burglar Gaga is licking her own personal airbag. Perhaps you can get them flavoured. I hope so. I will get a nice Kinder Bueno flavour :)
• Sex Mat Gaga is still totally touching herself. This is not appropriate behaviour in polite society outside a gay sauna or a dark room. Perhaps all the Applause is making her horny. Or she is just really really in love with her own look. I know my dog wanted to lick her up and down for days when she wore that dress of beef jerky...
• Top Hat Gaga has a tail. Or at least a switch down there. Like in Kath and Kim at Kath's wedding when Kim bought a nice switch, it fell down to her bottomly area and a horse tried to get off with her. Perhaps Top Hat Gaga has got a crush on the local college unicorn. And please, that is so not going to happen. He's totally into the tree imp from 3 doors down...
• We are now a whole minute into the new video by Lady Gaga for her comeback single Applause. Cat Burglar Gaga is clapping with her air bag in tow. The benefit of this is that it might protect your hands, particularly if you are applauding rather vigorously like everyone does at the end of Book of Mormon The Musical and absolutely no one in the world did at the end of Pacific Rim.
• There is notable lack of a dance routine at this stage. As fate and fortune would have it, the chorus dance routine from Steps, Deeper Shade of Blue sort of works if you are willing to throw in a few improvisations here and there. See also Stomp and Chain Reaction.
• 1m14s - lots of Gagas fill the screen. They have their make up setting on "whore"Which is a valid setting. Hey it absolutely got Julia Roberts Richard Gere in Pretty Woman. They are all doing that pose that Roxxy Andrews did at the end of Season Five RuPaul's Drag Race when the final three had to give face to the camera. That's someone else who also knows the value of that particular setting of make up...
• 1m24 - Nudey Rudey Lady Gaga appears. She is on some sort of snow globe but with no dome on it. So that's where the dome of Chester's Mill has appeared from. She is sans clothing, but it's probably quite hot. She has some modesty pouches covering her nunga nungas and in a puff of pink & yellow smoke, she disappears. Luckily Erotica Gaga appears in her place...
• ("Her name is Dita. She'll be your mistress tonight./She'll hit you like a truck/She'll teach you how to... oooo")
• Erotica Gaga has some gloved hands covering her nunga nungas. This will not only ensure that some mere mortal gets to touch her *whispers* bazooma area but is also obviously a loving tribute to Janet Jackson circa 1993 and the "janet" era. Now, do people say ear-ra or era (rhymes with terror)?
• Lady Gaga is now a swan. Or possibly a goose. Because her goose is definitely cooked based on week one sales, etc. (Though I'd be quite happy to sell 38,000 copies of anything to be honest with you)
• 1m50s - I'm just pretending the swan thing ain't happening. I don't care if it's a visual manifestation of her emerging from that ridick egg thing she did a few years ago. Anyway, there is some semblance of quite a good dance routine happening. It works to Applause and Miss You Much by the aforementioned Janet Jackson...
• (Just for reference, it is a fact that Miss You Much is a better song than Applause but not as good as Bad Romance).
• At 2m, Erotica Gaga is very angry. Like, she might totally attack someone or something. I was a bit scared and had to turn the computer screen away for a few minutes but I feel brave enough to carry on now. I'm not sure why she was so angry. Perhaps she had a Nicki Minaj moment and caught sight of herself in a mirror...
• Sex Mat Gaga is totally writhing. I love the word writhing. It's brilliant. You can use it in almost any situtation. "What did you have for breakfast" someone might ask and you would be able to reply "Rice Krispies. They were totally writhing around in my milk like little lost nipples looking for a breast". Aces.
• Oh my. You think you've seen all the Gagas you will ever need and then some sort of Jesus Gaga emerges through some sort of optical illusion. A prism if you will. Katy Perry will be furious. She hates people ripping her off (though now she will know how Sara Bareilles feels, etc)...
• Second Coming Jesus Gaga is bringing peace and love and prosperity to the masses. As long as you are a little monster. Now kneel at her feet and kiss her ring (oo-er)...
• Frankly, the last 30 seconds is really just all the Gagas going a bit loopy, convulsing around and clapping a lot. This is all thanks to Second COming Jesus Gaga unleashing her mystical powers onto the world. Most the Gagas are very scantily clad. It's like "ooo you haven't seen LAdy Gaga for 2 years so we're going to show you as much of her as we can". It's all a bit exhausting really...