And we're in to week 2 of the X Factor auditions. I've decided to keep it to just one post for both the Saturday (in the room) and Sunday (arena audition) segments of the show because a) I can, b) I want to and c) I will if you will. Having glanced back at the you tube clips of last week's contestants, I've decided that the big final audition on Sunday night with it's flubbed lines, popping off stage to "collect herself" and wobbly vocals was actually pretty shoddy and Louis Walsh should hang his head in shame for saying she has more potential than Alexandra and Leona put together. Of course the intro to tonight's show features quite a lot of flashbacks - and clips of people watching themselves on tv with family and friends, cheering at their own amazingness. Let's see what happens in the show, eh?
SATURDAY NIGHT (AT THE MOVIES)...
- EXCESSIVELY LONG INTROS ~ The X Factor is the master of filler material. Dermot reminds us that the auditions take us back to the original format & we see all the judges walking to "the room". If someone doesn't cover Room In Your Heart by Living In A Box this series, then there is something seriously wrong with the world. Finally, Dermot ushers someone into the room. He (Dermot, not the contestant Chloe - more on her in a minute) looks quite nice in chinos and a sweater. And less than 3 minutes have passed since the show started airing - so getting to the first audition in record time. A big hurrah for that :)
- CHLOE ~ She scampers into the room like an excited little puppy dog. Or a pony hopped up on pixie sticks. She certainly is a perky little thing isn't she? Apparently she has been waiting since she was 6 to come on the show - and sings The Climb by Miley Cyrus (or indeed Joe of the McElderry). Thank god she didn't run over and twerk up and down Louis a la Miley-Robin at the VMAs. Though they won't have happened yet even though this is shown after those - timey wimey confusion! Anyway, Nicole says she is very believable. Sharon basically says she's crap but in a nice way - "you've got potential and enthusiasm". She's through to the live auditions and she runs down the hall into her family's arms. She doesn't even pant or anything. I only have to walk to the front door and I get a bit out of breath...
- BARCLAY ~ He's yodelling! YODELLING. For some reason I sort of love this. He even plays the guitar at the same time. He's just like Bette Midler in Big Business (the hick version of bette, not the corporate bitch version). I can't believe he's 17 as he looks a lot older. What's not to love about a guy who can yodel in a pink shirt? While playing the guitar?! As Barclay exits the room, he gives himself the *victorious fist pump* - where you (obviously) make a fist then pull it in towards you while biting your bottom lip. If you are really pleased with yourself, you can sort of say "yeeeeesssss" at the same time while nodding your head. But that would make you a bit of a dick...
- TOM ~ All this build up of enthusiasm and excitement has a purpose. The X Factor script writers have cunningly shown us two perky people to further highlight how potentially dull the next contestant is. He's VT is pretty yawn worthy but no less interesting than about 90% of both series of The Voice. He says hello to each judge individually. How polite. He has bought his own feedback forms, which will handily save the judges time. He cues up Isn't She Lovely on his laptop. It takes a while but we finally get there. It really wasn't worth the wait. Yes, it's a "comedy" audition slot. Cue lots of shots of the judges looking horrified like they've never seen a bad audition before or they've seen Nicole's real age... (God they really drag this out. MOVE ALONG NOW - MOVE ALONG!)
- RELLY C ~ She's come along with two colours of hair and her dad, who is very supportive. Her hair shows that she is "kooky" and "mad me". She'll be happy with one yes which really defeats the whole purpose of auditioning. Sharon calls her Mrs, she calls her Shaz - squeel! It's like they are BFF for ever and a day. I've no idea what she's singing but it's quite pleasant. I've heard a lot worse. She's like a modern day Beverley Craven. The judges all smile as if they have created her very essence out of the remnants of their own sense of personal satisfaction with themselves. They shower her with praise & she bursts into tears. Her dad bursts into tears. No one else in the entire country sheds a tear but I suspect most of us are quite pleased she has got through so we can see what she will do next...
- SHELLEY/RYAN ~ She thinks she's got the X Factor. So does her daughter. I'm actually prepared for her to be awful. She's not. She did lose me a bit with her pronounciation of "woman" in 'You Make Me Feel Like A Natural Woman' but she gets through. Ryan's job involves swimming through people's bin juice. Whatever that is. I hope he washed his hands before he played that guitar. He does a nice little sing song and outside Dermot gives a thumbs up to those waiting. Is there any higher accolade? (So we spent all those wasted minutes on the blooming boring bloke and these potentially decent auditionees get a few seconds each. X Factor Pacing Problems rears it's ugly head for the first time this year. Probably not the last though...
- STUART ~ He's a tree surgeon. His big mistake is a) turning up to audition and b) singing a song that starts "I know you're out of my league". It just leaves you wide open for criticism. Because of the sheer dreadfulness of the audition, we get more shots of the judges looking horrified then pissing themselves laughing. I can't work out whether it's rude of them to laugh at his crapness or whether these people bring it on themselves by bothering to audition in the first place.
- ABI ~ She's a checkout chick with flowers in her hair. This means she will be the quirky one this year and probably be forced to perform barefoot in a flowing dress. The judges ask a lot about her dad as it is part of the script for her storyline. She also has a guitar which is becoming a bit of a worrying trend this year. I feel it discriminates against piano players because you can't just haul one of those in can you? Unless you are Bruno Mars. She does a rather nice Taylor Swift (with a bit of pitchiness) esque performance & everyone looks mesmerised. Gary thinks she is just what the show needs so Louis decides she isn't right for the show. OH THE DRAMA :) She's through so we'll see how she translates in front of 4000 people. Not one more and not one less.
- COLIN - he has bought a picture of his cat with him. HIS ACTUAL CAT. And people assume crazy cat ladies are always ladies. He has the audacity to compare himself to Olly, Joe and Matt (who says the X Factor erases Matt Cuddle from their history?! :P) and misses an absolute opportunity by not referring to his cat as the inspiration for the Pussycat Dolls. Oh god, it's the first Adele audition of the year and it's FUCKING AWFUL. Of course. There are lots of shots of the cat watching while at home the poor moggy is probaby scratching at the cat flap begging for escape. He doesn't get through and really it's all because he didn't sing FELINE GOOD :P Haha, etc. I do love a good gag me. No, I really do...
- JADE/AMY ~ After spending ages on Colin, there is a montage of people chatting who have auditioned before. And it's only bloody Jade! Remember her (see blog here if you don't - I called her goth Alison Moyet :S!) She has decided to give it another go and gets a "sing your heart out" from Nicole. When Jade starts singing she sounds what I assume is meant to be husky at first but actually just sounds out of breath. She then gets very shouty which you know I'm not a fan of. She gets to sing about a 1/3rd of what Colin did but perhaps it's about quality not quantity. She's through so she better be bloody good now after all these blooming chances... Amy didn't get through last year (see here) but sings better than Jade (no more Emile Sande though FFS). When she sings she looks like she is trying to get away from the words but her feet are glued to the spot. She also gets through so part of the next auditions will feel a bit like a repeat only with (hopefully) more contemporary music...
- THE DOLLY ROCKERS ~ Facking 'ell! It's only the Dolly Rockers of Je Suis Une Dolly fame (which, fact fans, is one of the best girl group songs not to make to the charts of recent times. It will probably be displaced down a position when MKS chart abysmally on Sunday due to being released on a Friday night). They are back (again) with a new member (again) & do some nice harmonies. I should think so - they've had about 7 years to get this right so if it's not clicking now it really is never going to is it? They are also through...
- MELANIE ~ She's now auditioned 4 times. This will definitely silence the critics of the show who say that the talent pool is drying up won't it? Melanie really sells how she has changed "I think I feel more confident... maybe"... Well I'm convinced. She does have quite a nice voice but my natural aversion to all things Rihanna has my hackles up already. However, she does get better as she goes on and makes me forget the original artist. Ooo, I quite like her again - so thanks for bearing with my through that thought process. I'm not sure it's the best audition of the day, but this are so jumbled on that if it has been a day of Colins and Toms then yes, she probably was pretty darn tooting good. She's obviously through. Let's see if she finally claws her way onto live shows! FINGERS CROSSED :)
- SHELLEY ~ Remember Shelley? Of course you do! She was only blooming on yesterday and we've already been reminded of that. She has kept her Lego hair cut for the audition process and because she is a woman & feisty, etc., Katy Perry's Roar is playing in the background. Shelley decides to sing Brave by Sara Bareilles. No, not really but wouldn't that be amazing if she had?! She does some "banter" (where on earth did this word come from and when did it become acceptable to use it to describe goddawful conversation?!) with the audience who lap it up. Gary asks her to introduce herself to the audience which she does by a 60 second clip from last night's show playing. She's singing Feeling Good. I'm pretty sure some songs should be banned from the audition process at this stage. I mean we're ten years in - there's got to be some decent new music out there?! Everyone once again cheers instantly (which was the problem with last week's overstimulated audience). She does, what I am sure someone told her is sexy dancing and pretty much flings herself around the stage. It's sort of mesmerising, sort of horrifying but it certainly isn't sexy. I'm going to be kind and settle for "SASSY" because that's how I describe my drunk, non-sexy dancing. Shelley's daughter looks delighted so at least she'll know how to perform in her school nativity play this year if she gets the part of Mary. Nicole calls her a pussycat doll and Shelley does a "miaow" cat move purr type thing. WILL THIS INSANITY EVER END??! (She's through)...
- JADE ~ Next up is Jade WHO HAS BEEN IN THE SHOW BEFORE just in case you forgot. She's barely breathed in and the audience are cheering! (I do think the show should be a bit nicer and put "seeking employment" rather than unemployed as their working status. I'm sure that's not all that defines people anyway). She's doing Back To Black and it takes a while to get going. Gary stops it because frankly it's the dullest version of the song ever and it creates a bit of drama. Jade's excuse is there is a lot of pressure for her. Fair point, but you chose to audition luv. Even though everyone hated her, she got through anyway so that makes sense. In the words of Joey from Friends - Let's play BAMBOOZLED!
- MELANIE ~ (even though they were way better than Jade the Dolly Rockers don't get through for - in the judge's opinion - the exact same reasons that Jade did. RIDICK). Melanie is next and she HAS BEEN IN THE SHOW BEFORE just in case you forgot. She sings Titanium by whatsisname & it's a pleasant enough ballad version. For all the accolades the judges heap on her, I'm pretty sure (at this stage - being quite easily swayed, I reserve the right to change my mind later :P) that I won't be going out and buying a Melanie McCabe album or purchasing her concert tickets. It's just a bit - *shrugs shoulders*. Oh god the judges are all teary. I don't get it?! Have I got a heart of stone?! Ooo, she should have sung Cher's Heart of Stone. Christina's Voice Within plays as she gets through - I suppose she might one day outsell Lotus if the stars align for Melanie :)
- BARCLAY ~ the yodeller returns! I do sort of really like Barclay although ,once again, he does look a lot older than 17. It reminds me of the Inbetweeners clip where Will is working in a garage and finds out Wolfy is 17. "There's looking older and then there's ... YOU". There are lots of clips of Barclay yodelling. He looked a lot better in his pink shirt than he does today. He looks like he borrowed his older brother's too big blazer for the first day of school. He does What Makes You Beautiful which is quite clever because all the tween girls are already fawning all over him - they'll love him even more now. Hmmm. The yodelling gimmick works about once (though I get why he does it again for the arena audience as it's new to him) so I'm a bit bored of it now. In fact, he doesn't really sing What Makes You Beautiful, he just yodels. Maybe the Dolly Rockers should have yodelled :( Sanity prevails and Gary says he's not very good when not yodelling. He's through anyway with Sharon telling him to work on his vocals (cut back to Dolly Rockers saying "we'll do anything" - and Gary retorting "well you should have done it 30 seconds ago").
- LUKE FRIEND ~ Ooo, we're flashing back 2 weeks now because they couldn't obviously fit all the first Saturday auditions in the respective arena show. Luke still hasn't washed his hair but hopefully he at least spritzes it so that it doesn't riff. He gets through with a rather shouty version of Too Much Love Will Kill You. At least he chose something a bit different from the Feeling Good/Falling genre of audition songs...
- TOM ~ Bloody hell, we're whizzing through the auditions now. It's like they edited everything together so far then thought "shit, we've got to get 4 more auditions in yet - there's no way they can have as much time" so just shuftied them in at the end. Good gravy! Anyway, I like Tom. I like his Hollister shirt and messy but not messy hair. I thought he was doing Curiosity Killed The Cat which would have been AMAZING. He sort of was, but the X Factor youtube page informs me that it's Little Mix. Either way, I really like the 10 seconds we get to see and I really like either song choice. Hopefully we'll get to see more in the future episodes!
- EUPHORIA ~ I loved these girls and worry when they say they have changed everything about them to meet the judge's concerns head on. They are trying to be edgy by showing their bellies and at least Gary waits til they start singing before rolling his eyes & giving a massive look of distaste. OH WAIT NO HE DOESN'T. Grumpy GARY! Everything that was sparkling about them at the first audition has sort of faded away and I'm left feeling jolly sad. Boo stupid judges - they are still a little ray of sunshine & at least Louis gets them. Someone give them their own Nickleodeon show stat! See them on next year's show then...
- RELLY C ~ She's still got two tone hair which may well enable her to do a Britain's Got Talent duet with herself should she get to the live shows. I recommend Tell Him by Celine and Babs. She sings something far too contemporary for the judges and they are very puzzled indeed. Oh that and it didn't sound brilliant. Sharon puts her through based on the first audition, so I'm not really sure why we are actually having the arena shows at all. Other than, you know, for the marketing £££s.
- ABI ~ So the final audition is little Abi who is singing a song of her own. Oh for the love of God read the contract Abi!! I'm not sure it's the best original song heard on The X Factor (if we are being really pernickity, that honour belongs to Shayne Ward and That's My Goal :P) I wouldn't rush out and buy this like I would that Lucy Spraggan song last year for example. I think I'll have to rewatch the song a few times because she does have a certain appeal but I didn't really get that from the arena audition... Well, it's a nice way to end the show though. See you next week!
No comments:
Post a Comment