I had some X Factor related thoughts this week. First was that a lot of the current batch of successful (at this stage) auditionees are certainly making the most of their fifteen minutes of fame. I have no issue with that but surely these can't be acts that have made the live shows? They are booking promo events, touting appearances and generally maximising their instant fanbase for as long as they possibly can. While I think those with talent should take their shot while they can, it does take the element of surprise out of the show - although if Tom Mann or Giles made the live shows I now would be quite surprised so there is that :) My second thought was about all the upcoming, on-the-cusp acts I follow on twitter that forge their own path to musical success and acclaim without the help of (potentially fleeting) TV fame & fortune. I've fallen extremely hard for some of those type of acts this year and one of my top picks continues to be Mike Hough. The guy has the X factor without needed the X Factor. Why? Well he's certainly pleasing on the eye - cheekbones to die for, beautiful eyes. You wouldn't kick him out of bed for getting toast crumbs in the duvet :P And he's also a proper stylish geezer. Whatever he wears whether it be the classic look (remember those white shirt, black tie shots a year or so ago? Stunning!) or his current on-trend denim look (when, you know, he's just hanging out with Brandy. AS YOU DO), he makes it look effortlessly cool. But these are superficial (though necessary in the fickle world of pop) reasons - ultimately, it comes down to his evocative voice, his ability to infuse a song with powerful emotion and his passion for performance. This is what wins you over, leaves you a little bit speechless and always has you a little bit hungry for more. Take his recent piano & vocal only cover of Wrecking Ball - now if he walked into the X Factor audition room and sang this, the judges would be slayed. (Also, there should totally be a piano in the corner of the audition room. People stroll in with guitars all the time and my favourite instrument - and not just because I am grade 8 on it! - gets a bit of a bum rush) His vocal control is crazy good and he handles the sensitive, tremulous moments of the verses beautifully before unleashing passionate feelings free on the cathartic chorus. Mike's always had the ability to put something of his own life experience into other people's songs; it's not just about singing them for him, it's about channeling his own personal inner diary to make the experience more vivid yet incredibly intimate for the listener. Leaves me wowed every single time - and that's what you want from a show like the X Factor. Contestants take note - Mike Hough is your barometer of excellence. Now let's catch up with last night's show...
- INTRO ~ Blimey! The auditions seem to have flown by this year, even with the double up of "get to know them on Saturday" and "then get to know them some more on Sunday". This is the final week before Boot Camp where inevitably some people will go crazy at being out of their provincial lives and get hammered on Bacardi Breezers (wild berry IS delicious, though drink in moderation kids :D) The judges arrive in separate cars once again, with not a jot of consideration for the environment. I'm sure Nissan would sponsor the show if they all piled into their new electric car called The Leaf.It would probably be cheaper too.
- DUPLEX ~ "Hi my name's Cassie and Oi'm 20" "Hi my name's like totally Katrina and Oi'm 20 and we are"... their saving grace at this point is that they didn't say "Cassie and Katrina". Instead they've named themselves after either a dwelling that isn't quite a house, but more than a flat OR that really big lego stuff (that i'm now thinking is actually called Duplo?) Oh my god, they are like so alike and like so annoying. They literally speak at a million miles an hour so really should do some amazing rap-pop song. Unfortunately they do a not very amazing song at all (Cheryl's Call My Name) and Gary already has a headache from their incessant yammering so this isn't going to help in. They actually make Rylan look extremely talented. Mercifully Gary stops it before it goes too far and I've never wanted to smooch him more. PS his hair continues to look amazing this week :)
- SHOZOD ~ I didn't even know being a butler was a real thing anymore. His audition is excreable and I can't even be bothered to write about it. There is no movement, his vocals are pretty dire and his only saving grace is fairly decent hair. This is followed by a lot more horrible auditions as the producers think, ey up - we've got all these bloody joke auditions left and we haven't aired them yet. Better put together a montage including some geezer who has a sparkling belt buckle which naturally (and unfortunately) draws attention to his crotch. How delightful. Meanwhile Michael Jackson's Bad plays in the background - which wasn't a song about being awful was it? The music choices are becoming more literal than Homes Under The Hammer!
- JUSTIN PENG ~ "I'm Justin Peng, but not Justin Beiber" young Justin hastily informs us - yes, that was a mistake everyone was going to make because a) he looks just(in) like him and b) his last name sounds just like Beiber. So I can see why people might get confused. He gives Nicole a flower (BARF) and sings I Look To You by Whitney. Gasp out loud everyone because his voice is quite nice indeed, he's not a joke despite the producers building it up that way. Gary does smug nod and the rest of the judges all nod patronisingly. He gets 3 yes votes with the hold out being Sharon (who has said yes to much worse acts but what can you do?!) Nicole kisses him (no tongue).
- SAM CALLAHAN ~ ooo I'm already aware of lovely Sam who has built up quite the fanbase through social media, his ace own pop tunes, ace cover versions, being generally quite tasty looking AND being one of my top picks for 2013! His far too abbreviated audition shows a rousing version of You're Beautiful by James Blunt (which totally transforms the tune) that gets yes from everyone but a quite harsh Gary Barlow. Poor Sam looks a bit devastated by this critique but I'm hopeful that he'll blow Mr Barlow away (who had Christopher Maloney as his top act last year for crying out god's sake!) with the arena audition. FINGERS CROSSED :)
- JOSEPH ~ after a quick audition from a bloke called Paul (you can view his audition here), we're on to Joseph, the Wolverhampton fella from last year. He's back to give it another shot after deciding he should have given more last year (don't tell Gary that - if he's consistent he should tell Joseph that last year was the time to bring it!) He's still looking mighty fine isn't he?! I'm not feeling the initial part of his audition - he really should have done a more instantaneous song and by the chorus his rocky voice seems to be a bit croaky and strained. It does improve though still quite croaky. Perhaps that is how it's meant to sound because Gary is beaming from ear to ear. Louis says Joseph is what the show is all about - people who weren't considered good enough last year then presumably. I want to root for a local lad though so I'll keep fingers crossed for him as well :)
- GREEN BOOTS ~ Oh god, a cutesy but not at all cutesy couple. They rub noses and everything. Thank god they found each other, etc :D They want people to know that love doesn't just exist in fairytales - does anyone actually ever think that this is the case?!?! Anyway, they're off with a song in their heart and that song is A Whole New World. They are living proof that love is not only blind but deaf as well. Even Dermot who usually keeps his feelings under check has a bit of a titter at the appallingness of it all. Clearly sanity prevails and no one puts them through to the live auditions. They are of course followed by more crap groups including sisters who trip up entering the audition room and then shout-sing a lot. Hideous.
- DAISY CHAINS ~ They got mad chemistry because they have been singing together for so long. Dear Lord I hope they're good. Especially as they are doing The Supremes Stop In The Name Of Love. Honestly, I think I've lost the ability to tell what's good or not anymore. Clearly though this isn't because there are lots of shots of the judges looking a bit concerned and upset. Oh no, it's a "let's break everyone's hearts and make someone a soloist, breaking up the friendship for good" moment. Gary emotionally blackmails the rubbish two, telling them that if they were good friends they would totes babes understand. They are not particularly supportive to be honest and they basically say "do it but you can fuck off afterwards" so she's probably right to ditch them anyway. Ladies and gentlemen, the power of the X Factor! If she wins, she can buy new friends anyway :D
- JAYSON ~ he has come straight from work and is really tired. He reminds me visually of Caron Wheeler from Soul II Soul back in the early 90s :D He sings Never Too Much by Luther, which admittedly is a great song (though Power of Love-Love Power is also amazing). His first note causes the judges all to look far too surprised. I mean, c'mon these are auditions - you are bound to get good people who can sing. It shouldn't be that much of a shock. I'm going to go out on a limb and say that I didn't particularly like it but I'll probably change my mind in a few weeks (if he gets any further)...
- ANDREA ~ oh sheesh, it's an original song. Actually, it's one of the more instantly catchy original songs but it's not what I want to hear at this stage. This isn't Fame Academy. I want to hear karaoke versions of songs that make me go, oh yeah remember that song? That was a good song wasn't it?! Anyway her original song and her singing it gets so little screen time that it fails to make very much of an impact and it seems like we are whizzing through the auditions this week because the show had so many left over & they don't want to waste them!
- LORNA ~ Next on the whistle stop tour of remaining auditions is Lorna and another Whitney song. She gets about 20 seconds singing time so she doesn't exactly have nothing but she is rather good (a bit shouty though!) Remember when the press release told us that the point of these Saturday auditions were so that we could fall in love with people prior to the arena? Fall in love? I feel like I've barely got a handshake out of them!
- THE NOSTALGICS ~ they meet on a Wednesday and have biscuits. They are of pensionable age but there is not a zimmerframe between them :) How spry! It is actually quite nice to hear Bring me Sunshine on the show. Imagine them in the group numbers on the live results shows?! That would be amazing. Well this is all very sweet and old people home christmas party knees up but they aren't going to top the charts or set the world alight are they? It feels all very set up for Louis to just go and join the band & everyone to have a good old laugh. What a nice pleasant end to the auditions.
- INTRO ~ It has just occurred to me (because I'm not very bright) that one of the acts we have seen is probably the winner of the X Factor 2013. I'm not sure how I feel about that. Oh well, the break neck audition format is coming to an end which means a week of boot camp, a week of judges houses and then (of course) live shows should start around the 12th October? Perfectly timed for mad promo for new singles from Little Mix and James Arthur! See?! These shows aren't just thrown together, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary ;) Anyway, it IS the last arena judges which means it is the last chance to impress the judges (other than you know, at boot camp and judges houses).
- RYAN ~ Do I even remember Ryan or is this the first time we've seen him? No apparently he's been on before. Oh the bin man! Joy. He's a worker for the council (has been 20 years. And he takes no lip from nobody, etc). He's bought his guitar and everyone cheers at his first note even though it's not really that good. Perhaps the audience are primed like Stars In Your Eyes when everyone cheers as soon as the person starts being Kylie or whatever. He does that Daft Punk song and I think it's more the popularity of the song that carries the audience's enthusiasm rather than him being stunningly brilliant. Everyone is on their feet and his family get very excited. Of course with that reaction he's through to boot camp. I'm underwhelmed.
- TENORS OF ROCK ~ I don't remember these guys either. I seriously think I may be getting a specific X Factor themed dementia. Either that or they were on Xtra Factor which I just couldn't bring myself to watch. From the flashbacks, Sharon wasn't impressed so obviously they are here to win her over. They do a nice harmonised acapella intro to Living On A Prayer before they go all Grrr-ROCK and we get the Louis Walsh version of headbanging (which really is just nodding his head politely). Nicole practically juices her pants with excitement. Again, they're not brilliant but it's the vibrant song choice and crowd reaction that gets them through. They're more Rock of Ages than Rock n Roll...
- SOLO DAISY CHAIN ~ I don't even remember her being that good but it's 5.45am and as you can tell I've woken up too early and am a bit grumpy. Oh her name's Hannah! There's an awkward silence when she says she hasn't spoken to her friends since. After the tumbleweed passes she does Demi's Skyscraper. I wish she'd done Heart Attack instead. That would have been much more fun. She's very tremulous at the start but the chorus is sweet enough. I sort of want her to get through as a kick in the knickers to her moody, unsupportive friends who are probably on facebook right now going "it wasn't Daisy Chains good was it"...She's lovely and polite though, utterly cute and that makes me like her more than her talent warrants. I really hope she goes away and does well :)
- GROUPS MONTAGE ~ Because there are far too many arena auditions to fit into 1 hour we are going to have a whistle stop tour. First up is Code 4 who do a bit of JT with a dance routine. I think I would like them had I gotten to see more of them because I'm a sucker for boy bands, harmonies and dance routines. They are through. Hurrah. Next up is Xyra (who again I have no memory of). The 8 seconds of singing time they get seems reasonable enough and they are through. Hurrah part two! Brick City (who I really liked in the room) do a bit of Mary J Blige (whose Christmas album I'm really excited about - well, you know, apart from the Jessie J duet) & it's quite good. Ergo they are through. Hurrah part three! Finally we have Dynamix. Again, where are these acts coming from or do I really have such poor memory retention right now?! Louis asks why they are here - I really wanted them to say "because you told us to come back" but sadly they don't. They do a bit Black Eyed Peas and there's no denying the power of her voice, but due to the confused looks of Louis Walsh you know it hasn't gone down well (PS, I'm sure I saw this band in Benidorm as a BEP tribute act). They want CeCe on her own but she sticks with her guys and they get through anyway (ironically Nicole sends them home and she seems like the only one who was enjoying the performance) (Also love how they "respect" her for staying with the group which is a bit of a slap in the face for Solo Daisy Chain, n'est pas?)
- JOSEPH ~ after a far too brief few seconds of lovely Sam Callahan (who is through to boot camp)and a criminally brief spotlight on Zoe Devlin (who is also through to boot camp), it's Joseph the dad from Wolverhampton. He gets 13 seconds of Sweet Child of Mine. In a tank top and tattoos. I'm so aroused right now. Who cares what he sounded like (fairly good)! He's through! Mazel tov to the Black Country lads :)
- CHRISSIE ~ She's a wedding singer, like a more attractive Adam Sandler. She's all nervous but what did she think was going to happen? It's fairly well known by now that this is what you have to do. It's been her dream to win this forever. EVEN BEFORE THE SHOW WAS A SPARK IN SIMON COWELL'S EYES. She's doing a ballad version of Young Hearts Run Free and it's quite nice indeed as it happens. Is everyone going to get through tonight?! Is there anyone who is being sent home??! She gets loads of screen time compared to the groups montage and Zoe-Sam-Joseph medley. Of course she's through because it's an everyone gets through night. They could have saved so much time by just saying - these people are through - and then playing Steps videos for 55 minutes :)
- GILES ~ I forgot how much I liked l'il Giles until he walked back onto the stage. He does Reet Petite, which is kind of an unusual choice for a 16 year old - he has good vocals but he messes up and carries on anyway. Poor Giles :( He's very apologetic about the mess up and gets through anyway. Bloody nora - there ain't half some magic in the air propelling acts through tonight! He's one of the acts who is currently doing promo stuff up and down the country so I suspect he won't be in the live shows (or even at judges houses) but we'll see...
- PAUL ~ Some silly girl asks Paul if this is the biggest crowd he's ever been in front of and there's then a montage of nervous people which indicates that Paul will be this year's nervous story. I do enjoy the subtlety of The X Factor script writers. Paul wants to impress Sharon the most which makes me like him a little bit less, but what are you gonna do. I'll confess, I got a bit bored of his VT so I fast forwarded to when he walked on the stage. Do let me know if I missed something utterly amazing. I'm glad I fast forwarded because he tells the audience all about himself which is that he is Paul from Lancaster. He's thrilling, isn't he? Oh wait, no, this is the nerves story. He's doing A Song For You which the X Factor You Tube account attributes to Christina Aguilera. The bloody nerve of it all. Gary does smug nod and I do eye roll as Paul walks down to the judges table where none of the audience can see him. How selfish of him. He's still down there for goodness sake. get back on the stage! This must be the final "triumphant" audition. He's got a bonny wee voice for sure and he's through. And now it's off to Boot Camp. This is facking exhausting :D
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