I've checked - this time last year, I was blogging the judges houses stage of X Factor 2012, so we seem to be a week behind. No wonder everything last week felt so bloody rushed. Anyway, we are where we are as my Nan would say, which was always infuriatingly vague and no less so in this situation. Except that it's not vague, because we are at Bootcamp (night one) and I'm hoping no-one sings Emile Bloody Sande. Let's see shall we...
THE GIRLS:
- INTRO ~ It's brand new Boot Camp! There are six seats - and if they are filled while the auditions are going on, then a stronger singer has to boot someone out. It's horribly cruel but this is the name of the game with the twists and turns expected in a ten year old show. So I'm assuming that the six seats will be 24 seats in total for the categories (which are Louis = boys, which gets Louis all happy & squealy; Sharon = overs who says it's amazing when everyone knows it's essentially a dud category cursed by the ghost of Steve Brookstein; Gary = groups, which Gary didn't expect - though God knows why, he was going to get one of the four categories wasn't he. This leaves Nicole with the girls). PS - 4 cars, 4 judges. When will they start paying attention to the environment??!
- REVEAL ~ All the acts of course act thrilled when they find out who their potential mentor is. No-one's going to say "oh this is shit, I hate you" are they because that might scupper their chances of getting through. So all the cheering would have happened whoever they ended up with.
- SING OFF ~ there's a sing off to get 100 acts down to 50. There are lots of very short clips of people getting through because they are the judges favourites. This means that some will be going home because they are not the judges favourites. HOW ON EARTH IS THIS HAPPENING? Oh yes, it happens every year. Honestly, I don't really remember the names of the acts they show going home but they all seem very sad and boo-hoo-ey. They do spend a bit of time on Melanie, Amy and Stephanie who sing Fighter together. Melanie is clearly the best of the three yet Nicole dithers over the decision for what seems like 20 minutes. Melanie & Amy are through, Stephanie is a goner (thank god she wore waterproof mascara) and gets a hug off Sharon. Joy.
- KAREN ~ Finally we are through to individual performances so I guess we have whizzed through the first 50 rejects and are focusing on the six seats for the girls now. I feel Karen takes way too long to get going and it takes me ages to work out that she is actually singing We Are Young by fun. The judges seem to like her but it's entirely down to Nicole as mentor of the girls category. Nicole looks way too like Cheryl Cole this week which is very off putting (of course, I'm assuming she doesn't have your grandma's duvet cover tattoed on her back)... - Karen is through, but will she stay there??!
- LYDIA ~ Half these acts don't even have youtube clips on the X Factor youtube page so I'm not sure how that bodes for them. Lydia says she can't go home - it's unclear as to whether this is because she's not allowed home. I wouldn't let her home either if she wrecked For Once In My Life like she did. I'm all for reinterpretations but that was just self indulgent clap trap and I'm not happy. The crowd went mental though so perhaps I'm not seeing something - though Gazzabear did say she oversung "a little bit" which is the biggest understatement since "oh what a nice demure tattoo Cheryl". Lydia is also through.
- SOLO DAISY CHAIN ~ apparently, according to Dermot, the stakes are high. Thank God he points out this very subtle nuances of the competition for us, especially as Solo Daisy Chain is next and she's already ditched her friends/family/neighbour's dog to be here so hopefully it will pay off for her. She's a bit whiney on River Deep Mountain High, a bit like if Janice Litman Goralnik (née Hosenstein) from Friends auditioned. Ni-Cheryl-cole feels the same and boots her out...
- TAMERA ~ a few of the girls, including Chrissie Wedding Singer and Jade ("I don't know why I should be in the top six") "Where's the fight" says Sharon but it's really more of a rhetorical question. This causes Nicole to go backstage and inject some spunk into the lasses. Oo-er. Tamera buggered it up at auditions and had a little stroll off stage. Then came back and wasn't as amazing as she should have been with behaviour like that. She's doing a bit of Rihanna - true fact: I do not own one mp3 of Rihanna music. I think Umbrella's quite nice and every so often I sing one like of Diamonds, but other than that I've never been that bothered with her. I'm sure Tamera does a decent job of it all. Ni-Cheryl-cole obviously agrees and she's through to the top six. Um, woo?
- RELLY C ~ I like to think Relly could be this generation's Jazzie P and do something rap brilliant like on Kylie's Shocked. Nicole didn't think it was that good but puts her through anyway, because she possibly realises that she's not going to fill the seats at this rate...
- JADE ~ She sings about make up on her face, though she could've done a better job. She gets about 10 seconds of singing time but is put through to the seats anyway. The pacing of this show gets worse not only by the week, but by the minute as each individual show progresses! I mean, surely they can be edited together a bit better, a bit more cohesively and a bit more consistently than this? On the other hand, there's some corking girls left and only one seat so in a way, someone has done their job correctly. OH THE TENSION!
- SHEENA ~ Not Easton, she would probably be in the overs category. She sings The One That Got Away and it's quite good apart from one big shouty note. But this isn't about Sheena Not Easton anymore. It's about Nicole being all agonised and a bit Natalie Imbruglia Torn over the decisions that she has to make. Oh it's so hard for me says Nicole as poor SheenaNotEaston stands on stage with "you think it's f***ing hard for you???!" written all over her face. She's through. Bravo X Factor, now Nicole will have to kick out Karen and possibly Relly...
- HANNAH ~ Not by chance are three of the best girls left until the end. Hannah is instantly the best of all the girl auditions so far and you can see Relly have an "oh shit" moment as she sings the crap out of Etta James. Everyone is quite rightly on their feet but now someone who was filled with ecstasy & joy a few minutes ago will have the heart ripped out of their still beating chest. Does television need to be this cruel?! Apparently it does and Nicole boots out SheenaNotEaston... *hug the loser, take your seat*
- ABI ~ Abi waits til seconds before her audition to go and get some fresh air. There's air all around you, luv, just keep breathing for crying out god sakes. I'm instantly liking her though because she is playing a piano. IN YOUR FACE GUITAR PEOPLE! It's the sort of lovely ballad version of Whitney's I Wanna Dance that would easily soundtrack the Christmas John Lewis advert and tug on our heartstrings at the top of it's chart because of the sentimental ad campaign that goes along with it. I do really like her and would absolutely buy this tomorrow. Or now. Why wait til tomorrow?! After Nicole does the "i've got a headache" agonising on tv pose, Abi is through and Relly once again looks furious. The other judges just look at Nicole when she asks for help as if to say, you get paid bitch same as us! Make your own choices. Which she eventually does and boots out Lydia. Ah well, what are you going to do?!
- MELANIE ~ We've only 20 mins or so of the show left so I'm not sure we can fit an entire other category into tonight. Does that mean we'll see part of a category? Or this will be dragged out for 20 minutes? Or we will see a rushed through category? Or will boot camp last more than one weekend? PACING!! Oh jeez, Melanie bursts into tears rather than singing. It's The One That Got Away. Again. It's very pleasant in a Katy Perry sort of way. I'd probably put her through over some of the six seaters though and that's entirely the point of this massively drawn out exercise. If they cut to Relly C one more time, she's going to have to start getting residuals from repeats (I have no idea what that really means)... She's through so who's going home now? It's Karen. First to arrive, last to leave...
THE OVERS:
- SAM ~ with so little time in the show left, it's important that we remind ourselves of the previous audition, that Sam has kids, is a prisoner office and has a deaf dog. Oh no. She's singing Emile Sande - did she not read the start of my write up that was written after she'd chosen her song? She clearly sings very well as everyone loves her and she gets about 4 hours of singing time. Louis wheels out his "recording studio" nonsense while Sharon calls her Missus. She has a good voice, but does she have the X Factor? This is becoming The Voice at this rate... Anyway, she's through.
- JASON ~ Inexplicably there is an advert prior to this and also Souli Roots entertaining everyone but being pretty darn awful. Still, where else do you get to see an act do the splits and a backwards gambol?! Anyway, as well as Jason sings, Sharon isn't impressed and sends him home which shocks everyone. Oh the drama! (Jason is followed by Sabrina Rumike who gets 12 seconds of singing which is interrupted by Joseph having a natter. She's through because the show clearly needs half the seats filled before the second show on Sunday)...
- JOSEPH ~ Yummy Joe is up next. He has a son don't you know?! He sings Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls. People love his croaky old voice which I think works very well for that type of song. God knows what will happen during Abba or Stock Aitken Waterman week. Sharon says she needs a strong person in her category. Have you seen Joe's guns? He'd be perfect. Sharon does the old "I'm sorry Joseph" fake out - he joins the ladeez and half the chairs are full. In the girls category this took 35 minutes of the show. We've got here with the overs in just 12. And that's it. Perhaps the most oddly timed ending to the X Factor ever. It's back tomorrow to finish off the overs, spend ages on the boys and then presumably whizz through the groups. I'm sort of stunned at the pacing but will join you back here first thing Monday morning!
- SHELLEY ~ now, 24 hours on, doesn't that seem the most natural place to put a break in the show? Wasn't it full of tension willing you back tomorrow knowing that there were still 3 empty seats left for the overs category?! After a nailbiting wait, it's Shelley who is up next. She's trying to be sexy. If this was RuPaul's Drag Race she'd be saying "imma representing for the chunky girls out there" and toss her weave dramatically. Her version of Respeck is alright, has Louis singing along but what is with the incessant need to change the songs beyond all recognition this year. She's on the seats which is pretty much a given seeing as they only have an hour of airtime to fit in the rest of the overs, all the boys and the groups/made up groups. Actually I would love a made up mixed group this year :)
- LORNA ~ After another rendition of *yawn* Emile's Clown (by Katy) gets about 13 seconds of airtime & gets her a seat, there is only one place left which is given to massive tambourine playing Andrea. Lorna is up next and there will be absolutely no drama in the show if she doesn't get through and Sharon doesn't have to kick one out. Oh, it's another ballad version of I Wanna Dance With Someone. Actually this would work really well if she nicked a hint from Donna Summer & did a ballad start but then launched into a massive dance track. She doesn't. It's still very nice indeed though and I decide that I like Lorna quite a lot and would like to play Chess on her top. Lorna and Joseph are probably the best representations of the overs with X Factor and the two that I would root for. She gets a seat and Shazbot kicks out Sabrina (who got minimal airtime yesterday anyway). Sharon gives her standing ovulation as she walks off which is a bit of a kick in the knickers really isn't it? I'll stand up for you luv, but you're not good enough to come to me house.
- ZOE ~ Zoe is the last one of the overs. Which sounds like some sort of Vampire Diaries spin off show. Or Golden Girls comeback. Once again the best people have been saved for last and Zoe does a rather mellifluous version of You Are So Beautiful. Or Yam Is Gorge as we would say here in the Black Country. There's a format developing here where the seats are all filled and ohmigod, there are more people than seats and Shazza asks the other judges for advice. Gary opts to send Joseph home and he has a bit of a mental breakdown. I suspect he's safe though as he's the only dude & Katy gets the knife. Sucks to be you.
THE GROUPS:
- BRICK CITY ~ Oh what a shock. Gary decided to put a girl group together after the auditions. This show becomes more and more like popstars every year. But what is wrong with boy-girl pop groups?! Far too much airtime is being spent on this new girl group but they aren't up first. That would be bezzie mates Brick City. They do Like A Prayer which partly sparkles because it's not the sort of song the X Factor gets much of and partly because they are quite good. However, they don't even get their own X Factor You Tube page link despite getting the first group chair. I am disappointed that the chairs are not novelty oversized ones like in the Big Brother diary room. It's just a bit of a squeeze instead...
- ROUGH COPY ~ oh dear. Rough Copy aren't going to get a visa. What a pisser. Didn't this happen to them last year? They audition without No Visa Dude which is a bit sad really. They're Leona version of Stop Crying Your Heart Out is very generic boy band & not really winning me over. It gets better as it goes on and everyone has a little weep that No Visa isn't going to be in the band anymore. They also get a seat. Poor No Visa who at least gets a man shoulder bump from Dermot...
- KINGSLAND ~ NVS get a bit of airtime and a no to show that not everyone gets through in the groups but don't worry it's onto Kingsland who will obviously get through because it seems like there are only about 8 bands auditioning anyway. "The stakes are high" says Dermot comfortingly. Sometimes, Dermot, it's best not to say anything at all. They're not the best vocal boy band but I can't help but really like them because one of them wears a bow tie and they dance & look like they are having a rip rollicking time rather than looking like they are shitting themselves. And this is quite important really isn't it? They take a seat. I've lost count of how many that is... (it's 6 after Xyra do quite a bonza Billie Jean, Tenors of Rock do Who Wants To Live Forever and Code 4 backflip their way to acceptance). This leaves made up girl group who are scripted to go through & next of Kin, the people's fave...
- MADE UP GIRL GROUP ~ It's made up Girl Group time. They are just like a modern day Little Mix. One of them cries with gratitude at being given a second chance - I'm surprised they don't have a prayer right there on stage. "Holy Beyonce, mother of pop, give us the strength to sing in harmony", etc. They do a bit of Rihanna (who was really boring the other day on Alan Carr Chatty Man). They are ok individually and ok together. A bit waily a one point but Gary gives them smug nod anyway. They get through which means someone has to be ditched. I'd go with Code 4 because I think Tenors of Rock would be quite interesting on the live show. There is an advert because suddenly the producers have remembered how to edit in excrutiating waiting. Oh no. Gary ditches Tenors of Rock. The goober.
- NEXT OF KIN ~ Still chance to get rid of Code 4 now that NOK are up. They don't have a clip on You Tube and are rather bravely doing Take That's Rule The World which is still corking song. It's not the best version of the song although it does have some pleasant harmonies and makes me want to get out my Stardust Blu-ray. "Better than the original" snipes Louis proving he is still the best passive-aggressive bitch on the panel. The script demands a bit of a shock and sending NOK home would be that shock. It's hometime for the chaps and the rest of the groups pretend to look sad for them but are secretly gleeful that they don't have to give up their chairs...
THE FELLAS:
- SAM ~ Young Mr Callahan is up first who was one of my top pop picks for 2013 back in January. There is pretty much half the show left for the boys so Sam gets a decent amount of airtime to sing Iris & I prefer his version slightly more than Joseph (though Joseph looks like he'd be a better romp in the sack and that is also important in a pop star)... Louis must be over the moon at getting this category ;) He puts Sam through because, well - why wouldn't he? Sam is very excited and everyone else pretends to look pleased but are secretly thinking, I will kick your arse out of that seat if I have to...
- PAUL ~ I don't know why it has taken me so long to realise that there is obviously a set playlist for the contestants to choose from (I like that after the success of Aus X Factor group The Collective singing it, Like A Prayer made the list). Paul has a very good voice and sings I'd Rather Go Blind very well but he's just not my sort of popstar. He's a better fit for Britain's Got Talent but he takes a seat anyway.
- ALEJANDRO ~ Oh God, I totally forgot about the yodeller Barclay. If he goes through it will be on tween scream power alone. Although if Louis puts him through, he's an easy one to kick out once the six seats are full. He yodels through Respect which is a bit of a mistake really and it gets him sent home. I like his boots though. Maybe he can take comfort in that. It's just a bit of a breather for Alejandro really isn't it and there are lots of moist seats (including Louis') as he walks onto the stage. Oh god, it's another part sung in Spanish ballad. This is as much a schtick as the yodelling. It's very cheesy but as he gets a chair I've decided that I will forgive him if he does Living La Vida Loca in leather trousers in the first live shows. I want a bit of energy, a bit of spunk (hey up!) a bit of liveliness...
- GILES ~ Three seats down and only 13 minutes of airtime left. There are 5 boys left. My knee is giving me jip and I need to stretch it so I sort of miss Ryan singing. From all accounts it didn't seem the best clip but it got him that seat anyway. Luke with his unwashed hair is up next and Louis is worried about his performance. Ergo it makes perfect sense that he gives him a seat. The absolute goon. Ah well. I think I do really like Giles although it could go either way with his youthful exuberance being on the cusp of cocky arrogance. He sings I Won't Give Up by the Mraz. I do love the Mraz but this is one of the most sinfully dull songs in the history of entire mankind. He should've done Geek In The Pink. His vocal performance is a bit tremulous at the higher notes but his earnest & pleasant vocal tone carries him through. Right through to the final seat!
- TOM ~ I really do like Tom Mann. He's one of my favourites of the year so I'm already convinced I will have jinxed him and he won't go through. He's very pretty too isn't he? "Come on Tom" weeps Giles who, like the rest of the nation, does not have a good attractive crying face. Tom sings does a weird breathy opening to Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. It gets better in the chorus but really the best remake of this song is Cyndi's own 1994 version Hey Now for the greatest hits. It does worry me that Tom and Giles have been booking performances across the country which doesn't bode well for them getting on the live shows. And of course poor Tom gets sent home. I totally blame myself. What was I thinking having a favourite at these early stages? Sorry Tom :S
- NICHOLAS ~ Oh god, we have to have I Won't Give Up twice in a row (almost)? What have we ever done to you ITV??! For a second I thought his t-shirt said "fuck" but of course it's JOCK. Phew, eh censors. Bloody hell they're gonna play the whole song aren't they? The best scripted twist now would be to kick Giles out for having the inferior version. Nicholas is through and after some orchestral sad music the scriptwriters won't get their emmy for best twist but Alejandro's cheesy balladry gets sent on a one way ticket back to Benidorm. And there we have it. Bring on a better edited Judges Houses.
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