Well last week was eventful, wasn't it? We had Lady Gaga informing us all she was an artist, then running around the stage like a loon on loon tablets at loon camp and flashing more gash than a gynacologist sees in a month. And of course it was the sad demise of NotLittleMix, who all hated each other and who now 2/3rds of the group blame the other one for being pregnant. There's a discrimination lawsuit in here just waiting to happen. But things aren't all bad for the NotVeryGood NotLittleMix group. They've been telling anyone who will listen (their therapist at £200 per hour. TWO HUNDRED POUNDS - and even he was skeptical) that Simon Cowell loves them and expects big things from them. Sadly for the girls he was most likely talking about SeSe's bump in the next few months, but whatever gets them through the night... Anyway, this week is DISCO WEEK (or a reasonable facsimile thereof depending on judges interpretations). Gawd knows how this will turn out but I should imagine it will be very much like the office Christmas party where Sam C will be photocopying his backside, Abi will be weeping in the corner because she's had a white wine spritzer and she loves the one with the bow tie from Kingsland Road (but he doesn't even know she's alive & anyway he's too busy snogging the delivery guy in the broom cupboard), and of course Hannah will be moaning that the sausage rolls aren't a patch on Greggs (but she'll eat them anyway). Marvelous...
- INTRO ~ Now I know the X Factor is usually a bit of a mess, what with odd timings and general production zaniness, but this week they've really gone all out to be as disorganised as possible. There is no flash vote this week. Repeat! There is no flash vote. Possibly because the flash vote is the worst thing to happen to the show since Tulullah was a judge, a female boss, a sex educator and an alleged pharmacist. But no time to dwell on these shenanigans - Dermot is here looking as spaffable as ever to introduce the judges. They enter like some sort of crazed royal family, minutes before they know the infidels will be at their door. It's basically a mixture of hair & boobs (Nicole & Louis, obv), hair done at Audrey's Salon - opposite the Rovers on Coronation St (Sharon) & Gary wondering where his massive weapon is that he so expertly grasped last week. And instead of getting straight on with the acts, Chic are here with Nile Rodgers to do a medley. I can't cope with this lollygagging delays so I'm off to get so lime jaffa cakes. I'll be back for the first act...
- LUKE FRIEND ~ 15 minutes of the show have already passed and all that's happened is Chic have done a medley of their hits & an advert for Chic's album has aired. Didn't they wash Luke's hair last week? It looks bloody awful still and popping a hat on it in the VT is like popping a diamond tiara on a turd. It's still a turd at the end of the day isn't it? Luke doesn't know about disco which is freaking ridiculous, I don't care how young he is. Luke's actually researching disco like it's a history project which makes me dislike him even more than I already do. He does Play The Funky Music - I hesitate to say he sings it because it's more of a bellow while he tries to gyrate around the stage. He's not a natural mover, our Luke. It is in fact a bit uncomfortable to watch, like when your dog humps a visitor's leg and you're all too polite to mention what is happening. The song ends with the word DIE so Luke obviously decides to lie down on the stage, pretending to be dead at the end of the song. Good grief. The judges are now pretending that Luke can actually win the competition, which is absolutely preposterous. PREPOSTEROUS. Nicole is channelling that witch that cursed Kathy Bates in the new series of American Horror Story & Louis, off his meds, calls him a little Jonny Depp. I think this means Louis thinks Jonny doesn't wash his hair either...
- KINGSLAND ROAD ~ Because it is disco week, the boys have to learn how to dance & poor Matt is struggling. He shouldn't worry too much because Zayn had a right strop when he had to dance as part of becoming One Direction all those years ago. And look at him now! They're doing Blame It On The Boogie and there is a lot of ankle on show. And a lot of hair product in use. Their guitar hand moves look a bit like they are trying to wank each other off but perhaps that is the point. Get the Triga vote. Overall, because I love the concept of Kingsland Road, I really like this. What's not to love about 5 boys doing giddy music, looking good and pulling off some questionable dance moves/hip thrusts. But because the script of the X Factor dictates that Rough Copy are THE group of the X Factor this year, the judges are not allowed to like them :( Nicole telling them they give 100% but are essentially shit is a right kick in the chinos isn't it?! At least Louis is on the same page as me.
- TAMERA ~ According to the X Factor youtube site, Tamera is doing Wishing On A Start which IS a well known disco classic. Actually can Dermot stop referring to EVERYTHING as a disco classic - it is disco week, ergo it is most likely to be a disco classic that people are singing. No need to ram it down our throats (though if Dermot has anything else he wants to ram down my throat, that would be fine, etc). Tamera is basically too busy studying how Leona Lewis & Alexandra Burke won to create her own path to the top. She goes to a roller disco to learn about disco. This is like going to MacDonalds to learn how to be a top class chef. Utterly ridiculous. Clearly Tamera has learned nothing because she does a ballad. A BALLAD! As if it's not bad enough that Abi is going to force a round funky disco hit into a ballady square hole. It's all very dull - the most interesting thing is watching Tamera's overly emphatic hand gestures that seem to be magically directing the massive overuse of dry ice. There's a bit of a break in the music and it gets slightly awkward because people think it has finished. It hasn't. There's a good 30 seconds of this left. I suppose it was quite nice but it was sinfully boring. Tamera plumps her hair in a very "I'm ace me" sort of way & directs all the dry ice over to Sharon. It's like she's done a talcum powder fart.
- SAM C ~ To remind us that Sam is indeed straight, he goes back to his football club (though obviously La Gays can love the football too, but this is X Factor and they only deal in stereotypes). Everyone at the club acts very surprised that Sam has turned up so God knows why they thought all the cameras were there (this was probably the 3rd take of them doing the "Yes! It's Sam! What an amazing surprise!" type cheer). There are lots of manly hugs and of course the ladeez get to see Sam in shorts which is what will keep him in the competition. Doing Relight My Fire might undo all this good work though (unless he rips his top off, which I'm open to). He seems t have merged the video concept of Take That's It Only Takes A Minute Girl with Take That's version of Relight My Fire. Gary looks like he's either horrified or touching himself under the table (which, I'm open to :P) There is quite a lot going on and it's just going to be hugely disappointing when Lulu doesn't come out for the middle 8 :S It's not the worst thing ever to hit The X Factor stage (thanks to years of Wagbo, Rylan & Jedward) but it's far far far from the best. It's not even in the same library as the book that has the page with the best on. And the judges basically say "well, at least you turned up" to "that was fucking awful, let's hope you get a role on Hollyoaks". Because, as this is X Factor, the timing is all off Dermot has to fill some time & gets the judges to tear away the last vestiges of hope that Sam has. The fact that he stands there & takes it without blubbing like Abi Alton will hopefully win him votes (how Nicole can critique him so harshly after championing Rylan all last year is absolutely beyond me). I feel sorry for Sam - he probably ran off stage & had a cry into a bucketload of Ben & Jerrys...
- ROUGH COPY ~ I don't get Rough Copy. Partially because I've only room for one boy band per season of X Factor & I've thrown down with the Roadies. But also their inexplicable choice of songs pared with their inexplicable weird fashion choices week on week are putting me right off them. The people in the VTs are very different to the Rough Copy you see on stage. Still, the producers want them in the top 3 so they continue to be praised like they are the best thing since Downton Abbey. They do September. In November. One of them has stolen Kingsland Road's bowtie. If only one of you is going to wear a bow tie you should be in the middle. Do they know nothing about boy band symmetry? They've got those weird skirts on again - are they seriously trying to make them happen? It's more futile than Gretchen Weiner still harping on about "Fetch". Gary says they are showing their creativity this week - this means they do the same tired old disco moves we've seen on this stage 50 times before (only with added running about for some reason, like they're trying to catch a five pound note they've dropped on a breezy day). There is a lot of whooping in the audience which is allowed to go on for ages to let the producers show this is the band to beat. Nicole says they did disco their own way - by which she means they did a carbon copy of the actual Earth Wind Fire hit. At least the bow tie one is now standing in the middle. Sharon says they are infectious & points to her breasts. Their banter with Dermot is painfully enthusiastic. One of them grabs Dermot's mic and hollers something into it which has now put me off them forever. God knows what he is blabbering on about. God, it says something when I want them to get on with bringing Abi Alton on...
- ABI ~ I hope she's feeling a bit less fragile than last week. Surely the judges have unleashed all their bile on Kingsland Road & Sam C by now?! Abi needs Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve & Talent so Nicole goes back to the first audition (which is basically what she has replicated every bloody week anyway). She's doing I Will Survive and it now fills me with terror that she says she is doing her own arrangement. She is really channelling those "at first I was afraid, I was petrified" lyrics. Channelling them into a slowed down piano arrangement that she hopes will get her a lifelong contract to soundtrack the John Lewis Christmas ads. No scorned women will ever be able to unleash all their frustrations will shimmying hard to this song. Abi does sound nice & it probably is quite a lovely arrangement of the song, but this whole Abi schtick is now just a bit repetitive. She does go a bit Tori Amos at one point and everyone cheers (possibly because the piano spins around) even though the melody is almost unrecognisable. Because she had a shit week last week, it's in the script that judges have to be nice to her this week. They are. Abi is overstimulated by these comments & is so overcome with giddy emotion that she runs off stage and flings her flower headpiece in the air with joy (and by fling, I mean she takes it off very carefully & pops it in her top drawer. Because that's how wild and free she is)...
- NICHOLAS ~ Nicholas likes the ballads doesn't he, but because Abi has already done the ballad version of a disco hit (that we all secretly hoped would turn into a pulsating dance routine) and because Gary told him to act his age, we get to see Nicholas being "fun" & do a groovy uptempo number. I applaud Nicholas' honesty. He said he doesn't really do dancing and he proves he wasn't lying with this performance. It's Rock With Me. The curse of terrified stage performance has transferred from Abi last week to Nicholas this week. Sharon's not going to like those dancers near Nicholas and no-one is going to like this not very good at all performance. In fact, he's just Ray Quinn but enough years after that we've all sort of forgotten how annoying Ray Quinn was. There's a key change & Nicholas' face looks like someone has just stun gunned him. I, personally, have never wanted to be stun gunned more at this stage. God, I'm critical and harsh this week. It's only because I care so much :D And I liked Kingsland Road, didn't I?! And Sam's muscles. Gary thinks it was amazing. "SOME YOOF AT LAST" he bellows. He really is only doing this series to promote his album - you can almost see him counting down the days until he can be released from his contract...
- HANNAH ~ Prior to Hannah, we get to see Sam C backstage. Again. It's almost every bloody week now that there is some VT of him with his parents. Anyway back to Hannah who was inexplicably in the bottom two last week. There is Hannah's sad story to make people feel sorry for her - I sound snarky saying this. It's only because she doesn't need this manipulation, she's an amazing singer without any additions of backstory. She gets to meet James Arthur who gives her some advice (because his album is out on Monday). He hugs her and she hugs back, though less enthusiastically than he - possibly because he still looks like he smells of old biscuits, and possibly because her nostrils are still recovering from hugging Luke Friend that time. She's doing a disco version of Circle of Life! (As every single person on twitter and his/her mum has already noted). No not really, it just sounds like that. It's Somebody Else's Guy - and it's very loud vocally. But also very amazing. After doing a massive note at the end of the intro, I love that, as the beat drops, Hannah's face is very "put me in the bottom two after that then bitches". I love a bit of sass. She's truly terrifying with that wink at the end but it doesn't detract from the stunning performance. The judges love her obviously because they would have to be insane not to. Hannah reveals she can't go for a piss in that dress which is utterly astonishing. Possibly the best quote of the series to date...
- SAM B ~ You know whatever she does it is going to be good because she is the only bloody one to be around when disco was. She does need to go a bit uptempo this week so she compromises and does Enough is Enough. Big ballad opening then funky get down with your bad self main body of song. Of course she's rather brilliant at the whole thing & she pretty much is the saviour of disco week. Phew eh?! It would have been better as a duet of course- perhaps she could have traded with Sam C. She could have done Lulu's bit on Relight My Fire & he could have been Babs on this! And then they could have teamed up Sam & Mark style for their debut album: The two Sams. I think I may be a genius with this line of thinking.
RESULTS SHOW!
I actually know the outcome before I sit down, this chilly Monday morning, to write this up so I'm now in an even more pissy mood than yesterday ;) When oh when will I learn not to throw my all behind the pretty boy band. Bah. Let's just cut straight to the group number...
- GROUP NUMBER ~ It's a very perky lively number. Kingsland Road are extremely busy trying not to looks like they are taking this seriously after Sharon's (ridiculous) criticism yesterday. Abi is struck with paralysing fear as she is not glued to her piano. Tamera photobombs herself in front of anyone she possibly can. Hannah inappropriately gets jiggy with one of that boy band they want to be the new JLS. It becomes a rather uneven singoff between boys and girls (with only 4 girls left in the competition. How did I not realise this before now?!) Like a really shit West Side Story. All in all, it's ok though it makes me wish Liberty X were reforming. Why hasn't the X Factor launched a decent mixed sex group?!
- LITTLE MIX ~ I've fast forwarded all the catch up from last night to get to the winners from 2 years ago (James Arthur STILL not on even though he's had a debut single out and his debut album is out today. Bit of a kick in the knickers for him isn't it?) Anyway, the stats for Little Mix are VERY flattering and complimentary. They've been preened & styled to within an inch of their life which makes them look like any girl group ever. I'm not sure about this song. I'm sure there's a tune in there somewhere, I'm just having difficulty finding it. As it goes on the tune gets more apparent & it seems they've decided to do a girl group version of Get Lucky & Blurred Lines. It's very sassy (2nd time I've used sassy). Meh - I'm sure they'll do very well. OOO RAP. I'm totally won over :) They're a bit too fake with how amazing the whole performance is and I've gone off them again. God I'm fickle.
- TAYLOR SWIFT & SOME OTHER BLOKE SHE'S MOST LIKELY SLEPT WITH ~ "is there anyone Taylor Smith hasn't slept with" asks my mum (sic). I actually can't think of anyone off the top of my head except me. She's like an actual Samantha from Sex & The City (with passive aggressive bitter pop songs at the end of it). What the frig is this song though?! Where's Sweeter Than Fiction? That would have been much more jolly. The Snow Patrol bloke is really drowning out Taylor. On the side of the stage, Abi is furiously scribbling down notes on how to wave your arm up and down meaningfully if you are not glued to a piano. Look forward to seeing that next week. Anyway, applause applause applause (ooo that's the most anyone has mentioned Lady Gaga's "hit" in ages :D), standing ovulation and inane questions. It's onto getting rid of Kingsland Road...
- SING OFF ~ It's down to TAMERA! And Kingsland Road. No wonder poor KR went :( The judges have been informed that Tamera must make it to the final. Kingsland Road are up first and Gary pretends to show emotion as he ticks off another day on his countdown calendar to his contract ending. As this is the last Kingsland Road performance I'll see, I'm going to make the most of it. It seems like they know :S Sadness. They do very well with ballad material that's not too down tempo so perhaps they should have showcased this once on the shows. It's all very emotional - they hug each other lots and look like they are about to burst into tears :( Tamera also sings but she could have just gone on the stage and farted & the judges would put her through over poor KR (I'm bitter and biased at this point so can't really judge how good Tamera is). (She did Whitney by the way). It's down to Sharon and Louis & they both send Kingsland Road home (i'm amazed Louis didn't send it to deadlock just this once when he had the chance). Kingsland Road look devastated. Tamera flicks through her "How Leona Lewis won" book and adopts the appropriate sad face.
another great blog - saying what I was thinking! :)
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