Video breakdown week ~ day 3: X Factor Alumni Special

No time for chat! 3 new X Factor finalists videos for your consumption! (Good word isn't it? Consumption!)

Marcus Collins ~ Seven Nation Army:

• There is a nice advert for Turkey playing while the video loads. This is Turkey the place, not turkey the thanksgiving dinner. Bodrum looks quite nice...
• There is a large font of the words Marcus Collins in blood red and in case you were in any doubt, Marcus stands inbetween those words in some nice chinos and a jacket. His hair, as one would expect from a former hairdresser, is immaculate.
• Some bejewelled hands do some fingerclicking while Marcus looks Very. Serious. Indeed.
• Ooo the singing has started and Marcus gets right into it - though at times it does look like he is making orgasm faces. I think this is just his intensity gaze...
• A Salmon Pink Jacket makes an appearance alongside a fairly graphic shot (29s) of Marcus in budgie smuggler mode. That's quite the bulge!
• Ladeez hands with perfect nails start to molest Salmon Pink Marcus, while Nice Chinos & Jacket Marcus gets his frug on. What is going on??
• More molestation as Marcus sings leave it alone, while horny horns blow in the background.
• The octopus arms look at 1m07 is quite nice but where are all the hunky fellas, right Marcus??!
• As the second verse begins, Marcus has changed into a trademark bowtie. His quiff hasn't moved an inch despite hands grabbing at his manly bits and covering his mouth. Guy is trying to sing a song for heaven's sake - this is worse than when the floaty confetti chokes the winners on X Factor Finale Night!!
• The mouth covering bit continues while the other lady hand does talky movements a if to show that this is where the vocal is now coming from. His eyes say, f**k off bitch, I've got a song to sing!! :D
• And sing he does. Phew. Nothing is distracting Marcus from his Seven Nation Army, not even a little touch up of make up. Though his tightly fitted shirt is distracting me a little bit...
• A jacket and bowler are added to Bow Tie Marcus. He looks proper dapper but throws the bowler away. Mistake! He looked good in it. I bet I would look good in a bowler, though i would be constantly tempted to burst into Cabaret or One from Chorus Line...
• More Frugging. More Molesting. More Horny Horns.
• Yay! Molesting Hands are given bodies for a dance routine right near the end. I love a good dance routine I do...

JLS ~ Proud:

• It's ever so ever so slightly disappointing that this isn't a cover of Heather Small's Proud, complete with Miranda and Stevie popping up with Heather Small masks. Oh well. Can't have it all and I do love a good JLS ballad.
• PS, will JLS ever have a fourth single from an album?
• Marvin is singing in an empty football stadium and it's quite cold cos he's not showing off his six pack (well and you can see his breath).
• Interspersed with Marvin are shots of children climbing on things to make them seem higher off the ground. A table. A wall. I sense this will be a theme about reaching for the stars, achieving your goals etc. I love a bit of inspirational sporting music (*plays One Moment in Time*)
• I take it all back. The stadium isn't deserted. The rest of the JLS boys are there having a singalong too. And generally looking pensive...
• The little boy on the table starts jumping across all the tables in the classroom. Cue outraged Daily Mail readers saying that JLS are encouraging poor health and safety practices in schools. Sheesh.
• Ooo Westlife Moment Alert!! As the (very nice indeed) chorus comes into play, the boys walk through the stadium, are lit by halo producing lights and do lots of Christ Like Poses. All top notch boyband stuff...
• Back in school, a boy brings a beatbox in. How old school. I'd have expected him to plug his iPod into a bose, but perhaps JLS are going for a more timeless feel...
• We're in verse 2 and there are lots of emphatic hand gestures to hammer home the point that you must do something today to make you feel proud :)
• A girl is spinning a hula hoop round her arm in the playground and it starts to rain (not presumably because JLS are singing)! While all the kids run sensibly inside, the lass stays embracing the rain and feeling it in her fingers, feeling it in her toes. She'll catch a right chill she will.
• (I love the falsetto bits in the chorus)
• (I also love that there is a little girl in swimming hat and googles researching in the library. I used to dress like a jockey, but more because I had a my little pony!)
• Meanwhile down at the local Lidl, table climbing boy can't reach the peanut butter, so pops on a headband, does a run up and leaps for it. Miraculously he doesn't take down the whole shelf. Mad Skillz!
• As some adults walk through the stadium, i think these are the adult representations of the athletic children who have now achieved their dreams through sporting prowess. It's enough to bring a tear to your eye...:P
• You know, the more I hear the song, the more I fall in love with it. Classic boyband, inspirational video, what more could one ask for (marvin abs, but i'll let that slide...)

Alexandra Burke ~ Elephant:

• That's a bit intimidating isn't it? Instead of having her hair like massive Elephant ears, Alexandra has chosen to be all fierce and have it shaped like the queen from Aliens...
• There is also a massive switch situation going on!
• She jumps between lounging around at the tail end of what looks like an all night rager and hanging around somewhere that looks like it would only play host to bare buckle fighting events. How salubrious...
• Some bloke is also wandering around, but i haven't got a good look at him yet. I'm too concerned that Alexandra's studded shoulder pads will take someone's eye out!
• There seems to be some male v female gang warfare going on, like a raved up version of West Side Story. No elephants yet though...
• Ooo it is an underground rave, with people on scooters and er, shopping trolleys. Nothing says class like riding around in a stolen shopping trolley does it. Hope that little boy jumping for the peanut butter in JLS Proud doesn't get blamed for it's theft!
• Someone else is doing put put golfing while a right maniac sprays the fire extinguisher over everyone. He'll be laughing on the other side of his face if there is a fire, won't he? (Whatever that means)...It's Skins decadance at it's best...
• Verse two - sing off in the boys faces and a dance routine! It's like a less well lit and not outside version of Christina's Can't Hold Us Down...
• Still no elephants and the bloke from earlier still hasn't found Alexandra. Just follow the sound of people in shopping trollies mate...
• More dancing ensues as the middle 8 rave breakdown takes effect. The best bits about Bad Boys and Broken Heels were a good dance vibe. It may be a bit more ibiza than those, but i'm not complaining.
• As we pass the 3m mark, Alexandra thinks a one sleeve gold chainlink effect top is a good idea. Not even Alexis Morrell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan would have worn this and she once wore a purple cat suit in a flashback where we were all meant to believe 50+ Joan Collins was 21...
• Oh! The guy (quite the looker) has found the party, spies Alexandra who looks suitably shamefaced. Probably for all the fashion faux pas... AND STILL NO ELEPHANT. The end.