RuPaul's Drag Race Season 4 - The Finale Blog...

Buckle up racers. You've sat through 12 episodes of sickening eleganza and it's all boiled down to this. Fierce Sharon Needles. Fabulous Chad Michaels. Or fucking Faux Faux O'Hell No. One of these queens is about to crowned America's Next Drag Superstar. And it better be one of the first two or I am going to have an absolute hissy fit, the likes of which haven't been seen since Mimi Imlast lifted India onto her shoulders prompting the manly cries of "get her off me!" (see also Yara Sofia doing a death lunge and having a breakdown; the other Tyra needing an inhaler and all the crew ignoring her medical needs; any episode of Untucked in the interior illusions lounge... you get the drift!) Here are all the fits and fashions as it unfolded...

• Previously on RuPaul's Drag Race ~ It's the top 3. Best of the best. Except for stank face Faux Faux O'Hell No obv. Someone bring back Latrice Royale. Lots of clips of how brilliant Chad Michaels and Sharon Needles are (party city would be glad to have her). Some shots of Phi Phi, mostly with her make up set on whore. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing :D Start your engines...
• The work room ~ Latrice Royale's final message is wiped off the mirror. She had the most graceful and inspiring exit of any queen to date. Not like when Raven wrote that classless message for the other Tyra in season 2. Tsk tsk... God save the queens...
• *OOO GURL. YOU GOT SHE-MAIL*
• Message from RuPaul ~ do you think she films all these messages in one go? Her outfit and hair is the same each time (flawless). Anyhoo, she reveals that the biggest test is yet to come. Ru goes crazy at the end of the video and it's a little scary and a little arousing. Sshhh, don't tell anyone I said that. The final challenge is to star in Ru's new music video (missed opportunity to plug the album on iTunes but surely that will come next week in the reunion?) Glamazon. They will be working with choreographer Candis Cane and they all pretend to know who that is...
• Choreography ~ Poor Shazbats doesn't have dance experience but she does look fucking amazing in a pair of skinny jeans. Her dancing is quite poor in rehearsal, but so was Raja last year and that didn't stop her winning with her man in dress realness (ooo read, etc. *closes library*) Faux Faux can't help but look like all her Christmases have come at once in the best aside smug face this side of the amarzing Shangela...
• Video rehearsal ~ Sharon is drifting into Chad Michael. This is essentially what happened with the iceberg and Titanic and look how that turned out :( Faux Faux pitches into "help" (ie, show that she is better than Sharon) and the director is an absolute c**t. It's very stressful for me and I'm only watching so god knows how poor Sharon feels. Ooo i'm so motherly today...
• Meet me in the ladies room ~ these are the exact same words some old bloke spoke to me my first night at a gay club and lets just say his intentions weren't entirely gentlemanly. *SHUDDER* Anyloobyloohoo, the queens go through and flap me sideways, bugger me gently it's only The Other Tyra (TOT for short) and Ra"stacy and shangela get the fuck out"Ja. I'm not a Raja fan so it may change my whole opinion of Chad that they are bosom buddies (altogether now, sing it with me). TOT looks like she's been dragged (no pun intended though i love a bit of punnilingus) through a hedge backwards - but she does give good slap. Frankly RuPaul should remake Dynasty with herself in the Alexis role, Pandora Boxx as Krystal Carrington and TOT as Sammy Jo...
• Lunch date ~ ah the traditional sharing of the tic tacs with Ru. Ru's hair looks like she just exited a wind tunnel. I can never get mine to be so controlled and it's only a couple of inches long (my hair, obv, i've had no complaints elsewhere). Chad hasn't eaten since 1972. How fucking old is he?! Ru advises Chad that their chat is a breakthrough moment in his life. Oh my. Phi Phi is hungry and ambitious, though honestly it just reeks of desperation and that's worse than the scent of 3 day old unwashed gaff. More self help is dispensed. I'm so getting off my cute little arse and buying the book. Ru saves the best for last (Sharon) and his worry over his relationship with Alaska is very touching. ALASKA FOR SEASON 5!!!
• More work room realness ~ Chad makes up with Phi Phi even though everything he said to him was completely valid. Phi Phi apologises for being annoying. An apology to the entire viewing audience wouldn't go amiss, luv...
• Video shoot ~ the c**t director is back and Phi Phi almost puts a wrench in the works when he throws it far to close to Ru. Ru then faux (faux) beats the shit out of the three queens. EVERYBODY SAY LOVE! (Is Drag U not on this year due to superstar edition fierceness?) Phi Phi is busy chewing the scenery. Not surprisingly, bitch can certainly take a mouthful. Crazy hairspraying from Ru ensues and is exactly how I do my hair in the morning. With a maniacal laughter soundtrack. Perfect way to start your day...
• Last Day ~ Someone gets a crown tonight. Those tucks are gonna have some blood flowing to them later. BULGE! The girls get ready. I'm scared...
• Main Stage Ru ~ She's channelling Sable Colby circa The Colbys Season 2 just before Fallon saw the spaceship and ABC tried to pretend the whole spin off hadn't happened. Gorgeous. Santino is his usual debonair self and Michelle looks amazing. Her tits look massive. I'm getting a glass of milk...
• Main Stage Chad ~ Ver-sassy. Filthy Bondage Queen.
• Main Stage Sharon ~ A vision in post modern Gaga chic. Stuff of sweet dreams and beautiful nightmares.
• Main Stage Phi Phi ~ Massive hair. To store all her bitchy comments in.
• Critiques ~ (I may have paused on Lucian Piane in the Glamazon video. It's fleeting but worth some *alone* time with him if ya get my drift. I mean did you see how hot he was in the Glamazon interviews? Yes please....) Anyway!! Santino liked Chad's fun side and wanted to see more of it. Michelle comments on Sharon's lackluster dancing and how Phi Phi's foot stomping is pitiful. They are all amazing in their own ways, but surely it's a Chad-Sharon decision??! Dear god, please?!
• *JUST BETWEEN US GOYLES*
• SILENCE!! I'VE MADE MY DECISION!! BRING BACK *pensive pause* MY GIRLS*
• THE TIME HAS COME... FOR YOU TO LIPSYNCH... FOR. YOUR. LIFE!!
• AND DON'T FUCK IT UP!
• For the first time in Drag Race herstory all three are lip synching. Chad is a vision of seasoned realness. Sharon is turning it out. Phi Phi is leaping around like an overexcited poodle that needs to be let out for a piddle. And the winner is.... OH YOU ARE FUCKING KIDDING ME!!!
• Well I do love a good twist, and surely the people's favourite Sharon will now triumph when the winner is FINALLY announced in the reunion show next week. I'll be back then. AMAZING.

PS, Pandora Boxx for superstars and Darienne Lake for season 5. That is all.