- JOELLE ~ It's nice that her parents probably named her after their favourite drag queen. I actually thought it was Mariah from RuPaul's Drag Race Season 3, but that bitch couldn't sing. This gal can and is doing *YAWN* Rolling In The Deep by Adele. WilliamNoDots spins around followed closely by - SHOCKER - Danny (whose role in life is to spin around seconds after MrNoDots). All four judges are a yes and Joelle hides her face in her hands. Still not as dramatic as Tyra Sanchez's hyperventilating on RPDR Season 2 finale. Jessie J says she would love to write a song for her and she is very picky about who she writes songs for. She wasn't that picky when she passed Party In The USA as a hand me down to Miley Cyrus... Gazelle drags out her decision for ages before going with NoDots. WHO IS STILL WEARING THAT F**KING JACKET...
- JAY ~ He's a waiter so God knows how he got invited and preselected for this show. Jay thinks this may be his biggest opportunity to be a recording artist, but there's always Britain's Got Talent or X Factor. NoDots is round straight away but for once lap-dog Danny doesn't follow. Instead he chats with Jessie about him being dope and she waffles on about his clean licks. Tom does a last minute spin which is The Voice equivalent of a cock block (BTW he sang an ok I Need A Dollar). Team NoDots it is then...
- ALISON ~ Yes, i've spelt her name wrong but I do prefer my spelling of 1998's Best Unsigned Mobo Winner's name. She has very bouncy hair. She does an incredibly wailing intro to Somebody Else's Guy (a song I really like). I've noticed that Danny spends a lot of his time checking out the other judges, seeking out their opinions or approval before he makes a decision. No one spins around and then they all look sad like seeing her means they would've pressed their buttons. The judges all blame Jessie J who says she really should've pressed her button (IT'S NOT YOU IT'S ME). "you're the girl I should've pressed my button for" whines Jessie. Which totally should be the title of Allyson's debut album...
- LEANNE ~ Ooo she's a red coat, which is socially one step down from cruise ships but better than calling the bingo at your local mecca (which I've done, fact fans). She does that goddawful If I Were A Dude song. I'm not a fan of her voice, her yelling or the song. It gets Tom and Danny going however, and Reggie Yates seems more excited than Leanne's family. She pretends to be overwhelmed and then chooses Tom. How mundane...
- *AWFUL MONTAGE ABOUT THE JUDGES FLIRTING. HIDEOUS*
- CASSIUS ~ Remember his ace number 31 hit, Broke? Perhaps not. There's a LOT of backstory going on which I'm just going to breeze right over, but I do like his plum chinos. Danny hovvers over his big red knob as Cassius sings but then withdraws and looks positively pained by his withdrawal method. As soon as Jessie J pushes the button though, puppy dog Danny eagerly goes for it. NoDots asks about his previous career which seems a perfectly natural unprompted question considering his background. I do love a planted question I do. Jessie J has a really big opinion of herself, blathering on about how she's launched an album worldwide in 4 months. She's really getting on my tits, partick when Cassie picks her. Perhaps Danny should've trusted his instincts...
- *MONTAGE OF CONTESTANTS GETTING A YES, INCLUDING A DANNY ONLY SPIN AROUND WHICH BY DEFAULT BOOSTS HIS TEAM*
- HANNAH ~ Hellcats, she's a cheerleader. Be aggressive, be be aggressive. She's the new Paula Abdul. Already I can feel her vibeology. She is working Marks and Spencers realness as she does Gaga's You and I. I'm not a fan - she's too shouty (so she'd be perfect for NoDots I Gotta Feeling). She gets Tom and Danny though, the former says she didn't overdo it, which I totally disagree with. Perhaps I need to revisit. She's giving Paula Abdul fierceness though as she forgets her own Mother's name. SOMEONE FINALLY CHOOSES DANNY. Fuckabout...
- CHRIS ~ apparently after their sensitivity training seminar, the BBC chose this contestant to have the voice over of "image is nothing, voice is everything". As Chris himself says, he hardly fits the One Direction mold. He is about the right height though :D It's Forget You - a song I've been banned from singing at family karaoke after I slipped into the profane version at my nephew's 8th birthday party. No one spins around and his mom thinks a piss poor wolf whistle will change this. It doesn't. Tom compliments his breathing (I breathe every few seconds and do it excellently). Chris says he got conceived to a Tom Jones song. Dear Lord. Apparently, I was conceived in the backseat of a Ford Cortina while I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing played on the 8 track...
- BILL ~ Bill is 23 and had loads of jobs which either means he's shit at them and can't hold them down, or he is a quitter. He will move his wedding date if he gets picked. I bet his girlfriend is thinking KA-CHING! "Of course I'll move the date!!" He does Plan B's She Said. The judges are all staring ahead while Danny looks around desperately hoping someone will catch his eye. He spins anyway, it's team Danny, the girlfriend pisses herself with excitement and the wedding invites are reprinted.
- KATE ~ I'm actually quite bored of the show by this point but will power through. I don't like to give up on a project. I will see it through to the bitter end (live finals). Anyway, Kate apparently can't finish a sentence but goes for True Colours. It's very breathy and Diana Vickers but even more annoying. For no reason that I can decipher, Tom and NoDots turn around. Her high notes are very wobbly and her range on display seems to mask a whole host of vocal limitations. Tom says her voice has vulnerability which must be Welsh for "not very good". She chooses NoDots. Tom orders a hit on her entire family...
- ALYS ~ does no one spell names in the traditional way anymore? She can conceive twins and sing, so you know she is a multi tasker. OH GOD. OH GIDDY GOD. It's only f**king Someone Like You! I cannot take listening to this song on more time. What's wrong with Rumour Has It? I'm off to get a custard cream. I'm back. Ooo no one has turned around. It's not you, it's me bleat the judges...
- NATHAN ~ Nathan is 23. TWENTY THREE. I mean there's looking older and then there is this!! He looks older than me with his rock look. Without his beard though he would make an amarzing drag queen. At least he doesn't sing Set Fire To The Rain as, like Bananarama before him, he rocks out to Bon Jovi (which is also literally soundtracking some act on Britain's Got Talent on the other side at the exact same time). "PUSH THE BUTTON" screams some shrieking harriden backstage, who looks like she would glass you soon as look at you. The judges don't respond to such bullying behaviour and no one presses the button. He does have the same hair as Holly Willobooby though...
- TYLER JAMES ~ Ooo it's bessie mate of Amy Winehouse Tyler James. Let's focus on the fact that I actually own one of his cds (Foolish), which later got purloined by Gareth Gates. I did genuinely quite like him back in the day and now he's back! With Wolverine's hair. He does Sittin' On The Dock Of The Bay. Danny looks around to see what everyone else is doing. He would not cope well in exam conditions. Jessie J lipsynchs for her life. They both then discuss how they love his voice, but don't turn round. Clearly the concept of the show has completely bypassed them. NoDots gets it though and gets him on his team...
- BO ~ She's posh and has that "this is how I rebel against being posh" look about her. She doesn't like being judged for being posh. It's a tough life. Her wallet is too full, her private jet needs fuelling and her gold shoes are just oh too tight. She does a rather lovely Without You (Guetta) though and gets Danny spinning around. NoDots does a last second cock block and Bo looks delighted which is a bit of a slap in the face for puppy dog Danny. Bickering about meso soup ensues. Danny borrows Gary Barlow's wave the fart away hand gesticulations and this wins Bo over! Hurrah, etc.
Next Sunday - the last of the blind auditions! EEP!
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