Nicki Minaj ~ Pound The Alarm:
- Nicki is in Port of Spain, Trinidad. I know this because I have excellent geography skills. And I can read. A dude is playing the Pound the Alarm melody on his instrument. Oo-er. There then follows a 15 second tourism spot for the Port and it all looks very lovely indeed. But where oh where is Nicki and her bonkers do? Oh. She's at the carnival. She's probably blown all her money and don't give two hoots...
- Nicki is wearing a sequinned bra top. She is either auditioning for RuPaul's Drag Race OR it is just the fact that her body repels clothes. OR! Maybe she's just feeling sexy and hotter...
- YO! What I gotta do to show these girls that I own them? I know, i'll put a spin on 1970s pimp fashion and add some bonkers feathers to my outfit. Yes, that seems like a top drawer idea. Well done me.
- (That was me paraphrasing what was obviously in Roman's head. I call her Roman because some call her Nicki and some call her Roman. I like to mix it up meself).
- She is joined by a plethora of scantily clad ladeez who are also decked out au carnival! It's like the hen party version of gay pride...
- The chorus consists of an incredibly complex dance routine that sees Nicki jiggling her lady tatas like there is no tomorrow. They are actually quite bouyant. I would cling to her if we were on a sinking boat.
- 1m32s - she looks like she'd rip your head off here if you didn't bow at her feet and worship her!
- (Meanwhile everyone else is having a right bobby dazzler of a time jumping around to that mad-as-a-march-hare instrumental bit at the end of each chorus. Love it.
- Verse two. Nicki is part of the parade. Having a nice singalong to the bit that sounds like the start of Poker Face. I'm sad that no one has done a slut drop yet. I'd do one right now, but me knees have given up on me...
- Chorus two is like MTV spring break, woo. It's a decadent good time. Although when will popstars learn that the X Factor finale has taught us falling ticker tape always gets in the way of a performance. Sheesh.
- Loony-as-a-loon-on-loon-tablets instrumental bit 2 ~ everybody is jumping up and down, jiggly jiggly caliente. Pause at 2m52s for a assertive Nicki tit thrust :) Amazeboobs.
- It's now nighttime (around 3m13s) and the pokey out body bit jiggling is now done to fireworks. Actual fireworks, it hasn't actually morphed into a Katy Perry song. Though that might work now I come to think of it...
- I personally quite like it when she does the foot stomping dance routine with the fellas (and a lady I think) dressed in red. Perhaps because I can also turn in a circle while stamping my foot so I feel included.
- Then it's the morning after the night before, and someone better clean this mess up. Mucky pups.
- In these tough economic times, No Doubt are driving themselves across country. That will save major $$$ on employing a driver for their massive vehicle. However, they might want to splurge $5 on a GPS app for their phone as they appear well lost...
- Gwen, in the meantime and inbetween time, is leaping around like an overstimulated frog in the back of the truck. All in all, their driving habits are appalling.
- 45s - SYNCHRONISE. YOUR. WATCHES.
- The lyrics are being sung over the CAB radio, good buddy. It is a literal visual interpretation of "do you copy"! Of course, their mouth piece is bejazzled...
- 1m25s - the red lippy goes on. When my sisters wore make up like that growing up, my mom would say "well it's up to you but a gentleman certainly knows what he's getting with you, doesn't he?" Charmant!
- 1m35s - aw. Touching band reunion. They have all, unfeasibly, arrived at the same time and hug. They are hugging away the memory of Stand and Deliver.
- Their rigs become a make shift concert stage as they all perform their various instruments on them. Gwen seems to prefer it in the back and in the dark though. OH MY.
- Lots of people dance along, much like in the above Nicki Minaj song. At 2m24s, the big lady from Christina's Can't Hold Me Down is booty popping like there is no tomorrow (as it is now tomorrow, i can calm the panic by confirming there is a tomorrow today. PHEW!)
- The gig has moved from the rig roof to a more intimate setting on the floor. Nice to see some ska inspired dancing and a bit of synchronised shoulder shaking to "get get get in line (and settle down)". Aces.
- Lots of crazy video montage to the eastern themed middle 8 bit. Gwen shows that she is rough AND tough. What a combination. It's given me a bit of a headache to be honest :P
- At around 4m, the dancing has become far more synchronised and energetic. If I was as boppy as this I would have a muffin top belly like I do now :( DON'T JUDGE ME!!!
- The video goes on for quite a long time, doesn't it? I mean it took me about 30 minutes to write up the Nicki Minaj one and this is twice as long. Does anyone mind if I skip through the salient points of the final two minutes?
- Not much happens in the final two minutes that hasn't happened before, but it's all generally quite watchable. A fine return, No Doubt :)
- Is anyone else quite sad that there wasn't an elegant masterpiece style video for Masterpiece? Oh well. Even just some clips of the movie interspersed with Madge sitting around looking forlorn would have done...
- Already, 5 seconds in, the video is so unrealistic. Madonna would never carry her own bag. She would have a minion of a minion carry it. I don't care if it IS from TK Maxx...
- With 60s Sex Kitten hair, the old cat gets into an awaiting car to escape the paparazzi. Papa, papa (don't preach) razzi.
- Ooo dearie me luv, she's sick of all the media intrusion (though probably secretly thinking, love me, adore me, NEED ME!) and weakly, devoid of spirit, urges her driver to drive on Jeeves. Flail flail.
- Of course her driver is unfeasibly buff. I'm sure all her male staff are. I think I read once that Joan Collins once said the spunk of a virile young man kept her at her girlish, youthful best. As Madonna is pretty much nearly the same age, I'm sure she extracts their potent seed, bottles it and spritzes it on her chops daily. It's not like she's not used to a good semen facial, is it?
- At around 1m30s, Madge has a good titter at some street theatre. Oh, she's really letting her hair down, int she?
- She essentially abducts one of the street theatre dudes, then picks up some guy having a cigarette AT A PETROL STATION. He could've blown the place sky high. Silly dude.
- Blimey! By 2m, she's collecting young bucks for her bukkake party like some sort of Pied Piper of Cougar Town. See Jane hunt, watch Dick run!
- At around 2m38s, she drives past some prozzies on a street corner. There but for the grace of God, Madonna! You too could have a face like my aging leather sofa that has the comfortable bit sat on a bit too often...
- (This in no way shape or form indicates that I wish to sit on Madonna's face. Far from it.)
- 3m13s - Madonna is sitting in exactly the same position as my mom when she has really bad trapped gas. "Front and back" as she shamelessly will share with anyone who's listening...
- She then drives into the country and picks up some boy band wannabes, who may or may not have been car jacked and left stranded in their Italian suits. Poor chaps.
- The boy band guy in glasses and a grey suit/black tie is doing stirring things to my downstairs trouser department. Meanwhile Madonna is frugging around, giving it some shimmy shimmy boob shakeage...
- Essentially then there is just a lot more driving around in a car, some of which has worse green screen than the boat scene in the first episode of Ringer last year...
- Quite good though innit?
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