The X Factor 2012 ~ Auditions (Week 3)

Ah, so week three of the auditions rolls around and already I'm quite excited because a) Doctor Who was very good indeed. Very timey wimey explodey wodey good and b) the X Factor is a much more manageable 60 minute show this week, which gives me time to mentally prepare for those 2 hour marathons they have in Live Show weeks!! After last week's less than amazing show (I was underwhelmed, this week I am looking to be at least whelmed, if not overwhelmed :D), let's see what this week has on offer...

• THE INTRO BITS ~ Lots of random people seemingly wake up with X Factor camera crew men in their rooms, filming their every move. How amazing that they randomly pick these folks and don't film it afterwards AT ALL!! In the montage of last week's YES people, they all sound really out of tune because they are all singing lots of different notes and the backing music is really overwhelming!!
• THE LUCY FACTOR ~ Last week, Lucy whatsit sang her own single which was already available on iTunes. It was quickly yanked but not before thousands of people paid to download it which means it is likely to feature in this week's top 40. Does this make the X Factor a bit redundant for her now as there are obviously people already willing to shill out the dosh for her music?! It could turn the whole show on it's head (only it won't)...
• NICOLA MARIE~ Oh my. Mel B is back again. She has been on it more than NotDanni (Nicole) at this point. Nicole feels like the guest judge at this point. Nicola's VT shows her with a laugh like a cackling hen and talking about how bananas will make her poo. People can be so crass. I sense she might overcompensate with "witty banter" and talk on and on and on. She does. For once, I have the same look on my face as Tulullah (ie, what the fuss is going on). This is possibly the only time that this will happen. I have a bit of a headache before she's even started singing. She's singing a "dubstep" version of Tell It To My Heart. People are cheering which I am taking to mean that she is quite good. She's not entirely dreadful by any stretch of the imagination. She then breaks out into a bonkers dance routine. Louis gets an eyeful of her cod corner. Poor bloke. That will make his quiff flop. Mel liked it and Louis says she gave it everything, which isn't really a reason to make someone a popstar cos lots of deluded folks think they've got it & therefore give it there all. Oh god, she's through. I completely and utterly blame Tulullah.

• JAKE ~ lots of people have come with their moms, who aren't always the best judge of talents. To be fair I am quite good at the piano but was dreadful at violin growing up & mom would always say "oh darling, that was wonderful". It clearly wasn't. Jake, like Nicola Marie, is also a bit gobby. I kind of want to pop a ball gag in his mouth. Let's see how he sings first, eh? He's doing a bit of Kings of Leon, so I'm quite relieved it's not Sex on Fire but more the Pixie Lott version of Use Somebody. He's quite Matt Cardle & Tulullah does her trademark "phwoar, yeah I'd demonstrate my mad oral skillz on him" face. This is now as prevelant as Gary's smug face. But back to Jake. He's perfectly pleasant and his voice is quite good. He also has lovely teeth. Gary likes his style which will please River Island as he is dressed like one of their shop window mannequins. He's through! His mom practically pisses herself. Lovely :P
• MOM MONTAGE ~ Lots of people audition with their moms screaming. Taylor does Last Request and sounds just like Paolo Nutini. His hair could use with a deep root conditioning. Jess's mom has mad hair. It's about 4 different colours. I do really like Jess' husky take on Bruno Mars. She could be this year's Diana Vickers. Sort of. Matt has a guitar and gets Gary doing SMUG NOD!! All these people are through. You can see their mom's paying the mortgages off already!
• ALISON ~ Alison is 51. She doesn't look a day over 47. No seriously, she does look quite good for her age. She compares herself to Madonna, but she reminds me more of Wendy James from Transvision Vamp if she were to audition today. Her kids look utterly mortified at the propect of what is about to happen. Oh sweet Lord, they are right to be so chagrinned. She is so far from the Edge of Glory, it's ridick. Her voice breaks, she looks like she needs a Jimmy Riddle and still they let her carry on. WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE CHILDREN??! People boo Mel for saying it were reet shite, but it genuinely was quite awful. NEXT!

• JOSEPH - ooo a local boy, just down the road from me. We might even catch the same train. And he seems a totally besotted dad. Too cute. As I'm feeling sentimental today, I will root for him and hope that he is good. The audience are well warm for his form and when he talks about his son, you can see Tulullah's uterus skip a beat. He does Whole Lotta Lovin' by Led Zepplin. This is exactly the type of music the Reynolds Girls rebelled against :D Joseph does a canny job with it however, even if it isn't really my type of thing. He's got his rocks on, etc. Of course, all the judges say yes. And if Dermot's girlfriend isn't broody after seeing those Dermot & the little lad shots, then she needs to spend some time in Mothercare...
• MELANIE (FAIRY FLUTTERBY) ~ We are now in Glasgow where Mel B has been ditched, no sign of NotDannii and instead the world is treated to Stifler's Mom. Oh wait, no. It's Anastacia. They play Little Mix in the background - a song that feels like it has been out for weeks. Anyway, after some shoddy auditions (including a dodgy "Shine" & a Sinitta lookalike dressed as a tomato), on comes Melanie as Fairy Flutterby. Yes this is the next great pop hope of our nation. She does Janis Joplin's Cry Baby & in a SuBo don't-judge-a-book-by-it's-cover moment, she is very good indeed. And gorgeous song that I haven't heard in ages. Oh Fairy Flutterby, please use that pseudonym as the title of your debut album. You can see Stifler's Mom texting her manager under the desk, saying "I've found my next single"!! Oh course everyone is quite chuffed with Melanie and she is through. The X Factor needs a Melanie (oh. It has one apparently. A Melanie won the American version. Ah well, that doesn't count)...