The X Factor 2012 ~ Live Shows (Week One - Sporting Achievements)

OH MY DAYS. After what seems about a billion and three years (but is actually about 6 weeks) it is finally the live shows of year 9 of the factory known as X. This bit of the show is always exciting but also exhausting at the beginning (blogging 2 hours of television is surprisingly draining. This level of wit, charisma and charm doesn’t come naturally, you know!!) So 12 acts and a wild card act (hopefully Adam but likely to be excessive tweeters Times Red) are about to perform live. Let’s see what happens, eh?

• INTRO ~ Dermot comes on, looking debonair as usual – but honestly that dance routine has to go now. HAS TO GO. He introduces the judges with the Carmin Burrina music & NotDannii, Louis’ Hair, The Lizziah and Gary Smug Nod all miraculously appear. No female empowerment arm movement from The Lizziah but NotDannii does some OTT salute. Someone has clearly upped her meds…
• THE WILDCARDS ~ More Carmin Burrina. Probably doesn’t have any licensing costs. Chris Maloney looks like he’s prairie dogging already. After a looooooong pause, Dermot reveals that it is actually Chris Maloney taking the wild card place. He collapses to the floor, the goon. I’m genuinely shocked – this doesn’t bode well for my expectations being met this year. GOOD LORD HAVE MERCY. Chris weirdly starts talking like that posh guy in Miranda who has a really high voice at the Pride and Prejudice party. The finalists join him on stage. Like an over pampered poodle, they have been plucked and primed to within an inch of their lives. AND OH GOOD LORD HAVE MERCY PART TWO – voting is already open. Let’s see how that affects the voting…
• DISTRICT 3 ~ The theme this week is the sporting success of the Olympics and Paralympics. Surely someone must do the Spice Girls medley!! Louis has decided that GMD3 is a rubbish name, although I quite liked it. District 3 is chosen as their new name. A lot of time is spent on the actual chosing of their new name which is probably why the show is a good 2 hours tonight. They decide to sing Simply The Best by Tina Turner – it’s a slightly tone-down-the-crazy version and fits well with their classic (rather than forward thinking) boy band style. Harmonies are quite nice, but I worry that they are too old school to compete against some of the major boy bands in the world out there. It’s not the most rousing start to the show, but is quite a nice version of a well known song. The Lizziah starts with the clichés early about making the song their own, etc. Gary Smug Nod wasn’t overly keen & NotDannii says y’all a lot (I pretty much ignore the rest of what she says). I do like the fact that the boys did the arrangement themselves – so live or die by the sword, etc. In their chat with Dermot, they need a bit more practice with the mics. Dermot was waving it in front of their faces like an solid love weapon waiting to explode…

• JAMESARTHUR ~ for some reason, One Direction turn up on the stage. Basically you can’t hear a word Niall says which is fine because he is the useless one in the band. After the completely pointless diversion, Not Dannii introduces James Arthur. I think it is all one word like when I had a dog called PaulAnka. Apparently James isn’t used to brushing his hair etc so is all faux-shy about his TV Totty Title. I can now officially confirm that JamesArthur is not tv totty at all. He does an angsty version of What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You (Stronger). Oh dear Christ – he decides to do a bit of a rap in it to show how Eminem he can be. Even more disturbing than this is Louis’ Hair doing a down with the kids head bob. I feel ever so slightly traumatised. At one point it looks like he’s going to rip open his shirt, but praise be, he doesn’t. For some reason, Louis’ Hair tells Middlesbrough that they have done well. This makes no sense at all. The Lizziah says she would like a boy in her category (surely a euphemism the dirty bitch). NotDannii decides to sing part of her critique. Well, I say sing. It’s her own attempt anyway…
• MELANIE ~ Couldn’t you just spaffle over Gary Barlow’s face sometimes? Rhetorical question, no need to answer. Melanie’s kids come to visit, who are so cute. It’s a big surprise for Melanie, even though this is take 4 of them running up to her… She goes all earth mother (looking like Maria Von Trapp made her clothes out of some old curtains that a blind woman rejected for being “too busy”) singing that Joe Cocker version of With A Little Help From My Friends. What’s wrong with the Wet Wet Wet version?! She gets a bit dramatic at times and goes all screamy in the middle 8. I don’t like screamy/shouty although I’m informed reliably that it is a legitimate technique. BAH. Gary Smug Nod is on his feet applauding, but probably only because NotDannii put a thumb tack on his chair. NotDannii also tries to impersonate RuPaul (ooo sing for your life honey) & is already working my very last nerve. I’m warning you missy…
• LUCY ~ Furious that Lucy gets to sing her own song. How is this ok? Everyone else gets a song picked for them but because there is no evidence of Lucy being able to do decent cover versions, she does her own tune so that the producers get to keep her past week one. ANNOYED. God knows what the song is called, but it is very much in the Lucy Spraggan mould. It’s quite nice and I would probably buy it, but I don’t think the parameters of the competition should be changed so dramatically just for one act. And actually, it may put her at a disadvantage against more well known songs. I end up fast forwarding it because I’m a bit bored. The judges do as they are told by the producers and call Lucy spunky & brilliant, etc. Only Louis’ Hair says that it could be a gamble while The Lizziah says she the most unique act the competition has seen – I actually think that many other acts would have loved to perform their own music in the past and Lucy’s comments of “other people have done it through covers and I want to do it through words” is patronising and infuriating. Let the 12 week advertisement for her album begin (calls Advertising Standards Agency)…

• MK1 ~ Being named after a discount brand clothing store (before Primark cornered the market) isn’t the most hip name in the world. But lack of a pop star name didn’t do David Sneddon any harm. They aren’t just about the make overs. It’s all about the music man. It all starts with some really off, dodgy notes and a rap. How shocking. How innovative and amazing. That was me and my voice, dripping with sarcasm. The backing dancers are far more entertaining than the cacophony of noise coming from the stage. Or maybe I’m just getting old. Sometimes I just want a nice Westlife song and a new Salted Caramel Mocha from Starbucks. OH GOD. I AM OLD!! The twosome look slightly embarrassed to be mentored by young Louis Walsh. They should just be embarrassed by their slightly dodgy vocals.
• CHRISTOPHER ~ I can’t see any more video of Christopher Maloney sobbing and shaking. A lot of waffle about his nerves goes on before we see him doing a karaoke version of Mariah’s Hero. It’s like one of those singers you see in Benidorm (the place or the show) while everyone is nursing their third pint of lager and a packet of nuts. Ooo I’m hungry now so I miss a bit of it while I go and get some Pringles. I’m back and he’s still warbling away. It’s not exactly triumphant or euphoric. There’s something missing from the whole performance. Bring back Adam Burridge I say as the British public demands their money back… NotDannii calls him cheesy but does a hearty well done type arm movement to show that she’s nice!!
• UNION J ~ I’m hoping Union J are brilliant because I would quite like them to be my favourite act of the competition. “The young girls will love them” says Louis’ Hair. AND THE GAYS LOUIS. Sheesh. Equal opportunities please. They show the boys bantering with each other a lot to show that they are united as a group before they sing Don’t Stop Me Now (great song choice). The vocals are a bit tremulous at times and at times it seems a bit all over the place, never reaching the emphatic heights that the song should. The middle 8 brings it back together somewhat and gives hints of what the group could achieve. The Lizziah doesn’t like the song choice, silly girl. The song choice was actually amazing – and I totally disagree that it is Louis’ fault. You can see the boys hearts break frame by frame if you go to slow-mo. Oh dear… how all my hopes are dashed with one performance!

• JADE ~ Ooo did you know Jade is a mom? You can barely have missed the fact as it has been rammed down our throats everytime Jade gets some screen time. Let’s hope she’s not singing Mama by Spice Girls or Mama by Kim Appleby. She’s doing Enrique’s Hero just to let you know that she can be a hero to her daughter. But linking it in a very tenuous way to the sporting theme of this week. The Lizziah takes the ravey instrumental from her 2 weeks in the top 30 hit Live It Up and pops it on as the backing track. It was all quite good though god knows what she was wearing. NotDannii talks tone and range. Anyone would think she knows something about music :D
• RYLAN ~ This whole Rylan-On-X-Factor experience is going to be out of control. NotDannii calls him infectious – well he does remind me of a sexually transmitted disease. Annoying, gives you hives and hard to get rid of. Rylan and NotDannii are this year’s victims on the show. He appears on stage wearing a gold lame shimmy top & attempts to sing Gold by Spandau Ballet. He has a little boogie and isn’t as horrific as I thought he would be – mainly because I do love a jolly good performance on the X Factor. Other than Union J’s disaster filled effort, this is the first full stage performance (I ignore MK1 of course). Then it’s all ruined with a “C’MON X FACTAH”. Oh Rylan. So close. “You’re not a great singer but you’re a good performer” says Louis’ Hair. So true – it’s what got Lady G’Gah to where she is today. Gary is embarrassed to be there if Rylan is on the show. Ooo I love a bit of controversy on a Saturday night. NotDannii calls him a fart. How dare she – he’s a national treasure.
• KYE ~ There’s a lot of VT but it’s all a bit “oh life is great” which I’m sure it is being an X Factor contestant so let’s not dwell and on with the song, shall we? He does Man In The Mirror (why not Everybody Wants To Run The World??) – it’s all very heartfelt and it better have the key change!! Definitely one of the better vocals of the night and yes! KEY CHANGE! Quite pleased with this overall. The judges are all over him like white chocolate drizzle on a cheesecake. And rightly so.

• ELLA ~ you can stand under her um-bur-ella. Ella. Ella. She’s going to sing a bit of Take That’s Rule The World which just makes me want to watch Stardust (which is an amazing movie. Go. Watch). She’s instantly elegant, classy and gives a powerful, considered and emotive performance. Along with Kye she’s one of the better acts of the night. Mesmerising to watch. Ooo I didn’t see this coming. I’m smitten. Gary Smug Nod calls it stunning and he’s quite right. Oh the Lizziah will be unbearable if she wins again. NotDannii says Ella is from another planet. Yes. Earth because you’re definitely a Men In Black 3 alien, NotDannii…
• CAROLYNNE ~ I have no idea what Starships has to do with a sporting theme but Carolynne decides to sing it anyway. It’s almost a country queen version and for some reason she goes for a stroll behind the judges and shimmies her boobies at the wind machine. I actually wanted Carolynne to be brilliant but I am not loving this at all. AT ALL. Her voice is obviously very good though. Louis’ Hair calls her the UK version of Shania Twain. I do love his bonkers comparisons :)
• JAHMENE ~ It’s no surprise that Jamene has been left until last. He has possibly had the most air time on the show to date. Anyway, he does Imagine which once again has nothing to do with sports at all, unless I’m incapable of interpreting lyrics. But it works well for him. I spend the first half of the song waiting for that big note and then it arrives with a big gospel choir to accompany it. Everyone loves him, etc. Let’s get to the live results show…

Best in show? Ella, Kye & possibly Melanie.