The X Factor 2012 ~ Live Shows (Week One - The Results)

I didn’t actually watch the X Factor Results Show while it was on – contrary to popular opinion, I actually have a life outside X Factor. OK, I was cleaning up dog poo and sick from the garage & then had to rub the poor fella’s belly to make him feel better, but this is classed as “a life” in some cultures. Ergo, I am aware of all the drama prior to watching the show but am diligently typing up my views on the night’s events anyway (everything below this paragraph is typed as I watch). Here’s the 411 (or 118 118 in England. OOO catchy)…

• The show has been on for 2m37s and absolutely nothing has happened yet. Dermot comes on stage (not literally as that would be a whole other type of show and one that I am now playing out in my head) and tells us that 2 acts will be in the bottom two. Thank god for this vital clarification – I would never have worked out “bottom two” otherwise…
• The judges magically appear. Louis’ Hair probably believes he looks like James Bond or the Black Magic man. He actually looks more like Dreamboat Charlie from Miranda. Meanwhile NotDannii looks immensely relieved to not be booed. Gary Smug Nod does a smug nod which looks more like “eee I’ve done a chuffing great trump I have & it felt great. And warm” nod, but I’m sure he’ll get the balance right soon…
• (Can we just talk about what a con it is that the phone lines are open prior to the acts singing. Ridick. So essentially the X Factor is encouraging voting for favourites rather than performance. There has always been an element of that but now it’s completely blatant. And now they are stuck with this farcical joke of a voting system. If they change it now, it’s entirely unfair on whoever goes tonight. However, there may be a brilliant Sliding Doors moment waiting to happen somewhere in a slightly alternate universe,,,)
• GROUP PERFORMANCE!! It’s wise to have Ella and Kye open the number but they do show up some of the acts vocal ability (*cough MK1 cough*) – like Adele duetting with Britney Spears, Lucy “I’m too good to sing other people’s songs” Spraggan looks entirely uncomfortable & sounds even worse, while Jamesarthur just looks terrifying…
• (I’m still enraged by the way by Lucy’s comments of “other people do it through covers, I do it through my own words”. Has she even watched the show?? I’m simmering with annoyance…)
• Leona sings Trouble. It’s a lovely track isn’t it? Totally negates the need for Emeli whatsername. And I’ve actually missed those dramatic X Factor artist intros. Dermot does his in-depth line of questioning - single/album/tour, etc. How probing!!
• Ne-Yo also sings with a dance routine going on. It’s all very perky. I approve. Let’s just get to the results however…
• FINALLY! It’s always very telling who they announce as “through” first. The order of announcement should generate instant chatter. So if it’s not Rylan he’ll be bottom two. Oh. It’s Kye. I’m pleased but if it wasn’t Rylan they should have announced Union J first. Thanks X Factor for totally shitting all over my theory. Everyone is through except Rylan and Carolynne. Oh and Jahmene and Lucy had the same shirts on tonight.
• Gary is (rightly) in a mood. Perhaps he has realised his smug nod was a chuffing great fart nod. There is absolutely no way the producers will let Rylan leave – he will generate far more press and conversely, Carolynne’s exit will also generate more column inches (far more for the show than if she’d stayed). Rylan’s One Night Only is appalling- no wonder Carolynne is smiling encouragingly. She’s thinking “no way I can be worse than this”. She’s right – her There You’ll Be is both devastating and lovely. Tragic that she will be a pawn in scripted X Factor(y) manipulations…
• JUDGES CHOICES! NotDannii choses to send Carolynne home (though she makes it sound like she’d rather keep it). Gary Chuffing Fart choses to send Rylan home with a few choice insults. Rylan tries to respond – “GHAR-REE, GHAR-REE” but Dermot wisely cuts him off. The Lizziah says Rylan is entertaining but still sends him home. BECAUSE CAROLYNNE CAN ACTUALLY SING. And then there’s Louis’ Hair. Oh Louis’ Hair. Most dithering response ever. One minute later the world is still waiting. I’m worried he has actually had a stroke. Are there paramedics standing by? He choses to keep Carolynne who is elated. And then changes his mind and sends it to deadlock! OH MY GOD. Poor Carolynne. She’s off home and Gary Smug Nod spontaneously storms off. And by spontaneously I mean, he’s been standing up on the producers cue for about 90 seconds. TV GOLD…